


I am a Nightmare

by charliepink



Series: Nightmares and Miracles [1]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, The quest for a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-10-31 09:44:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 48,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10896720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliepink/pseuds/charliepink
Summary: Chibs is overcome with guilt for everything that has happened to Juice, and he decides he must save him from prison. Yet, is there even enough left of Juice to save? ChibsxJuice - in which Juice finally has a chance at a happy ending.





	1. I am a Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after season 7 so full of spoilers for the entire season. Everyone who is dead at the end of the series is still dead (except for Juice.) Althea Jarry does not exist.
> 
> Title comes from the song “I am a Nightmare” by Brand New. The chapter titles are the lyric lines and also a hint as to what is to come in each chapter. If you happen to have Spotify, you can listen to the song [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/71xWNCgyWTFoQp0jogBxVn).
> 
> I have always hated the way Juice was treated throughout the later part of the show, and I especially hate his fate at the end of the series. I love the show, but I’ve always wished Juice could have been handled differently. Obviously, I doubt Sutter would have ever done Chibs/Juice the way my story is going to turn, but at least I have a chance to give Juice an alternate (and hopefully happier) ending.
> 
> Finally, the disclaimer: I did not make a profit off of this story. I do not own or know anyone or anything relating to Sons of Anarchy. This is a work of fiction.

**Chapter One:**

“I am a Nightmare”

Scotch has become his best friend. The amber liquid has powerful properties; most specifically, it can dull the senses. Johnnie greets him when he returns home for the day, hits his head when the sun rises him from his bed. Red label is cheap, black tastes better, and blue best of all, but Chibs rarely touches ol' blue anymore. He needs quantity, not quality and $200 a bottle becomes expensive when the liquid flows like water.

Chibs leans back against the couch, barely feeling the embrace of the cushions. His mind is a haze, eyes hardly able to focus. Johnnie's in his glass and gone from the bottle. It's the second bottle in two days. Faintly, he considers that he'll have to get more, and for that he's going to have to dip into his personal safe. His wallet is empty. The safe isn't but it will be if he keeps this up.

He brings the glass to his lips and feels the room temperature liquid roll across his tongue. His brain is so fuzzy it doesn't burn anymore, and the sour aftertaste almost tastes sweet. He eagerly sucks it down, letting out a small sigh as he smacks his lips and sets the glass on the end table next to him.

He's still wearing his day clothes, dark jeans and flannel button-down underneath his leather Sons of Anarchy cut. He hadn't thought to change when he'd gotten home. Instead, he'd gone straight to the cabinet and pulled ol' Johnnie Walker down, eagerly raising the bottle to his lips. Anything to quickly dull the ache, the roaring pain.

Guilt is a powerful thing.

The television plays silently in front of him. The volume is turned down low, almost silent, and its light acts more for background substance than actual viewing. Chibs gazes blankly at the screen and contemplates breaking in another bottle but remains seated on the couch. His house feels empty, and he wishes for someone to talk to. Silence brings back bad memories and all he wants is to wash them away. The liquor works temporarily, but self-medicating in amber is a continuous thing. One day he will have to face his demons.

Today will not be that day.

xxx

Scoops and Sweets is the perfect clubhouse, but sometimes out-of-towners try to use its services. Chucky is sitting at a booth watching the door while the Sons are upstairs at Church when a mother and her young daughter walk inside. Chucky's eyes widen in surprise as he realizes he'd forgotten to lock the door behind the guys, and he wonders what they'll say if they come down to an inquisitive family asking for ice cream.

"We're closed!" he jumps up from the booth.

The mother looks at him closely, eyes squinting suspiciously when she notices his hands and lack of fingers. "It doesn't say closed."

Chucky's eyes flick towards the shop windows. There's no open or closed sign.

"Mommy, I want ice cream!" the little girl tugs at her mother's shirt sleeve.

"I'm sorry little girl, we're closed," Chucky says before the mother can speak.

"But I want ice cream!"

The girl's mother glares at him. "You need a closed sign."

"I'll accept that," Chucky answers.

"Aye, is there a problem here?"

Both Chucky and the mother turn towards the door in the back as Chibs and the rest of the Sons of Anarchy descend the stairs. Chucky twitches nervously. "They want ice cream." He points awkwardly towards the mother and her daughter.

"Well get them some ice cream then!" Tig says as he comes up from behind and smacks Chucky in the back of the head.

Chucky's wooden hand flies to his head and he rubs it uncomfortably, "Huh?"

T.O. appears out of nowhere. "Here you go, darling." He hands the little girl a vanilla ice cream cone. "On the house."

The little girl squeals happily as her mother thanks him, though she still eyes the men suspiciously. She ushers her daughter from the store, and as soon as they've left, Chibs slams the lock in its place. He whirls on Chucky, serious but also slightly playful tone to his voice, "Next time ya forget to lock the door, I'm taking the rest of yer fingers, aye lad?"

"I'll accept that," Chucky says again.

The guys laugh and T.O. motions towards the back of the store. "Chucky, man, we keep the freezer stocked in the back for a reason."

Chucky nods his head and says, "yeah, I forgot," and the guys laugh again. Despite his often lack of sense, the Sons have grown very fond of Chucky and they'd never truly wish any harm on him. They all know Chibs' words of taking his remaining fingers is an empty threat, and they aren't concerned with the wandering tourists. After all, they have the freezer stocked in case of such uncomfortable situations.

The guys say their goodbyes and then only Chibs, Tig, Happy, and Chucky remain. Chibs nods towards Chucky. "Off with ye, lad," he says affectionately. The two-fingered man holds a soft spot in his heart. Despite everything he's been through, he's always stood by their side.

Chucky jumps, and nods back. "Yeah, yes'sir!" He grabs his coat from where he'd slung it over one of the booths by the door and hurries from the building.

Tig laughs as they watch the man scurry away. "Sometimes I think he should be the one called Rat. He's so twitchy."

"He's a good man, though," says Happy.

Tig nods his head, "He is."

Chibs makes sure the door is firmly locked, then the three men take a seat at one of the booths. Even though they trust the newer members of the Sons, there is still a different type of bond between Chibs, Tig, and Happy. Perhaps because the three of them witnessed firsthand the rise and fall of Jax Teller and everything that happened between.

"I still can't believe Jax is gone," Tig finally says.

"Aye."

"Knew it was coming," Happy adds. "He was meant to meet Mayhem."

Chibs and Tig nod.

The men sit in silence. It has only been two weeks since Jax's suicide, and it's still very fresh on their mind. The former President had left them scrambling to regain their footing in the MC world as many of the other charters and Clubs had seen this as the Sons' world crumbling. Chibs had been able to hold on by a hair, had fought to prove the Sons of Anarchy were still relevant, and the other MC's are already realizing the Sons are going nowhere.

"Any news on Juice?"

Tig's voice cuts through Chibs' chest like a knife burrowing into his skin. "Aye. He's still alive."

"For how long?" questions Happy.

Chibs steels his voice. "Jax promised him a quick death. When it comes, it goes quick."

"Do we have any word on when it's going to happen?"

Chibs forces himself to shrug as if he doesn't care. He shakes his head, "Jax had contact with Tully. I'm sure it will happen soon."

"Tully?" Happy wonders. "The Aryan Brotherhood, right?"

"Yeah," replies Tig, "The big AB head-honcho Jax said was raping Juice."

Chibs clenches his fists under the table. He bites his tongue, forcing back everything that wants to come gushing forward. "Aye, him."

"Are we supposed to give him a go-ahead? The Rat deserves to die," adds Happy simply.

Again, Chibs shrugs. "I'm sure it's all been handled."

Happy and Tig nod in agreement and the subject changes to something else, but Chibs is hardly listening. He's craving Scotch, and his chest is hurting. Suddenly, he stands from the booth.

"I'll be headin' out."

"Alright, brother," says Tig who stands and gives him a hug.

Happy nods his head towards the Scot. "Later."

Chibs exits Scoops and Sweets and takes off down the sidewalk. He makes it several blocks before the pain in his chest becomes overwhelming. He feels like he's going to be sick and the panic punches him hard in the gut. He quickly fumbles a cigarette from his pocket, hands shaking as he lights it, and then he raises it to his lips to take a long drag. He clenches his eyes shut, breathing the smoke from his lips and nose.

"Fuck me," he murmurs under his breath.

He takes another long drag from the cigarette, then stubs it out with his boot. It's time to head home, he tells himself. Johnnie is calling his name.

xxx

Chibs bolts upright in his bed. His skin is soaked in sweat and the bangs of his salt-and-pepper hair are plastered to his forehead. The blanket is pooled around his bare waist, and his chest heaves as he breathes deeply trying to clear the nightmare from his head. He doesn't remember going to bed, but the empty glass on his nightstand suggests he'd taken his drink with him to the bedroom.

He turns the switch of the lamp on the nightstand hoping to find the bottle of Johnnie sitting near the glass, but the bottle isn't there. Probably still in the living room and away from his craving hands.

"Fuck me," he groans for the second time.

His head is pounding and it isn't even daylight yet. The face of his clock tells him it's only a little past four in the morning. It's too early for him to start the day, but the nightmare is still fresh on his mind and he isn't ready to return to sleep.

He sits back against the bed and rests his head against the headboard. He clenches his eyes shut, trying to edge away the throbbing his head, but the darkness only brings forth the nightmare.

An image of Juice flashes across his mind and Chibs lets out an involuntary cry of pain.

His glass is empty and his hands are empty and the amber liquid is gone and the nightmare is fresh.

The guilt is fresh, open, and deep.

_He deserves it._

But the sober part of him doesn't believe his words.

Images of the nightmare pulse through his head. He's locked in a cell, hopelessly trapped as Juice lay crying on the bunk in front of him. He calls for Juice, trying to get his attention, but Juice can't hear him. The images shift, and then it's Tully standing over Juice, forcing  himself on him. Chibs' yells, trying to get Tully away from him, but he can't move and Tully can't hear him.

He's forced to watch.

Every night he’s forced to watch unless he can deaden his mind with the amber liquid that now flows through his body like the blood that keeps him alive.

Juice was _his_ Prospect.

Chibs had made a rare cross-country trip to meet with their sister SAMNEW charter in New York. Clay had sent him alone as it was more of a courtesy meeting to keep their ties strong, and the club was in a time of peace. Chibs didn't mind the long distance like many of the other SAMCRO members, and in a way, he enjoyed the chance out on his own. Upon reaching New York, it was easy to see SAMNEW was still getting along just fine, and Chibs had the chance to explore the city before returning on the long trip home.

It was late one evening when he came across a sketchy bar in the middle of Queens. He was craving a beer, and the shady look of the bar didn't deter him. No one usually wanted to mess with a biker covered in tattoos, and the scars on his face only added to the intimidation. He parked his bike out front and pushed his way inside.

Inside the bar is where he'd first laid eyes on him, a scrawny kid from Queens with a stupid mohawk, an affinity for weed and the occasional other drug, and a passion for motorcycles. When Chibs walks into the bar, Juice is talking loudly in the center of the room about a motorcycle he'd just bought. Several other barflies are huddled around him, ooohing and ahhhing as they listen to him speak about his new ride.

Chibs can't help but smile, "Aye, ye like motorcycles, do ya?"

The boy jumps, and every eye in the bar turns to look at him. Chibs feels them soaking up the look of him--middle-aged biker clad in dark leather with a reaper MC cut, tattoos showing under his rolled up sleeves, and the scars carved into his cheeks. Most in the bar quickly turn away, seeming afraid, but the boy breaks out into a smile, a grin that could light the world.

Even now, Chibs can remember that smile, so full of innocence and happy wonder.

"Yeah!" the boy says excitedly. He stares at Chibs' cut with wide eyes, "Do you ride?"

"Aye, I do."

Chibs grabs a beer from the bartender, then seats himself across from the boy. Those who had been huddled around Juice quickly move away as if in fear of Chibs, leaving he and the boy alone at the table.

"What's your name, boy?"

"Juice," the boy answers, still grinning.

Chibs raises his eyebrows at him.

"Juan Carlos Ortiz," Juice adds, "But no one calls me that."

Chibs nods and takes a swig of his beer. "So what bike did ya buy?"

Juice grins sheepishly, "It's nothing special. Just a lower-end Harley I bought off a friend. It needs some work, but hey, it rides." He flashes Chibs the smile that's already becoming ever-so-common.

"Nothing wrong with gettin' ya firs' bike. A little work only makes ye appreciate it more when it's finished."

Juice nods his head. He hangs onto Chibs every word, admiration in his eyes. "So what's your name?" smiles Juice.

"Chibs."

He doesn't elaborate when Juice looks at him oddly, but this doesn't seem to faze the boy. Juice keeps smiling, "What are you doing in Queens? I've never seen you around here before."

"Business," answers Chibs gruffly. He doesn't care to expand on Club business.

Juice nods, seeing he's not going to get anywhere speaking about Chibs’ personal life. The talk turns back to motorcycles, and several hours and beers later, the two are buzzed and enjoying their conversation. A friendship had already begun to form between them, and when the  bartender ushers them and the remaining guests out at closing time, Chibs offers to show Juice his own bike. Juice follows Chibs from the bar, and his mouth falls open when his eyes land on Chibs' modded Harley parked in the lot.

"This is yours?" he breathes, eyes wide.

"Aye," Chibs answers, a glimmer in his eyes.

"Wow..." Juice circles the bike, staring in wonder. He slowly reaches out and gently caresses his fingers across the handlebars. He turns back to stare at Chibs, "One day I'm going to buy something like this."

Chibs smiles. He'd already begun to develop a fondness for the boy, but he still shocks himself when he speaks next. "Would ya like to ride it?"

Chibs _never_ lets anyone ride his bike, especially not some kid from Queens he barely knows, but something about Juice's passion for motorcycles sparks the question.

Juice looks like he's about to faint from excitement. His eyes are wide as dinner plates, "Really?"

"Jus' around the parking lot," Chibs tells him, and then he growls, "And if ya try to steal it, I'll hunt ye down and chop off yer balls."

Something about the gruff tone of Chibs voice causes Juice to gulp. He doesn't doubt for a second that Chibs wouldn’t do just that. "I promise I won't steal it," he says quietly.

Chibs hands him the key, and Juice takes it nervously. He stares at the bike in silent wonder, then slowly takes a seat. The engine purrs beneath him when he starts it, and Chibs watches as Juice's eyes light in childish excitement. Juice rides around the lot several times, and when he finally parks in front of Chibs, the older man can see Juice is reluctant to get off.

"What did I tell ya, boy?" he warns.

"I'm not going to steal it," replies Juice as he turns off the bike and climbs off. He stares at the motorcycle sadly. "I wish I could have something like this."

"One day," Chibs says as he takes the key back from Juice.

Juice shakes his head. "I'll never be able to afford something like this."

Chibs crosses his arms in front of his chest, "An' why is that? Ya know how to work, don'cha?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Save yer money, lad. It adds up. How do ye think I bought my firs' bike? I worked my arse off."

Juice nods, but he doesn't look any happier. He stares hungrily at Chibs' cut. "I just wish I could join a Club," he mumbles under his breath.

His words are quiet, and Chibs barely hears them, but the gears start turning in Chibs’ head. It's been awhile since SAMCRO has had a Prospect, and something about Juice makes him wonder if the boy would be a good fit within the Club. Juice seems infatuated by motorcycles, and his sentiment towards wanting to join a Club shows he's not opposed to the MC lifestyle. And under all that, there's something about Juice that Chibs' can't quite put his finger on. His smile is contagious, and Chibs' feels almost lighter in his presence.

Finally, after a silence passes between them, Chibs speaks. "Ya ever thought about bein’ a Prospect?"

Juice snaps to attention. The expression on his face is pleading, his eyes begging. "Yes! I...all I want is to join an MC." He stares back at Chibs' bike and smiles. "I just want to ride off on my bike and get out of this city. There's nothing for me here."

"Do ya understand what Club life is like? Do ye know what it's like to Prospect?"

"Yes, and I'd do anything to become a full member."

"Ya ever killed a man?"

Chibs' sudden blunt question causes Juice to jump. He watches the older man silently, turning words over in his mind. Finally, he answers honestly, "No."

Chibs nods, pleased Juice didn't lie to appear tough. "An MC is like a brotherhood. A family. In it, ye learn to love your brothers. Ya'd kill for them if ye have to, an' ya'd die for them to save them. Do ya think you could do that?"

"Yes." Juice's answer is quick, earnest. 

"Good," Chibs growls. He climbs onto his bike and starts the engine beneath him. "Meet me here on that bike of yours tomorrow. Noon. I'll be headin' back to California." He stares Juice up and down. He's never sponsored a Prospect before, and beneath his tough exterior, he's nervous pulling Juice for the Club. Sponsoring him means he's responsible for the boy. If he screws up, it falls back on him. But something about the boy continues to grab is attention, and finally Chibs finishes, "If ye think ya can Prospect, ye can come with me."

Juice had been waiting for Chibs outside the bar at noon the next day, and Chibs was pleased he hadn't had to wait on the boy. Juice had been right though--his bike needed work, but it was at least able to carry him across the country. SAMCRO had given Chibs shit for bringing the boy though. Juice was nothing like the any of them, and they were afraid he wouldn't be cut out for the club. They were hard on him, but Chibs stood by his decision to sponsor him. Juice powered through everything they put him through without a single complaint, and within a year, he'd easily won them all over. Juice was dedicated to the Club. The Sons had become his life, and he wanted nothing more than to join their ranks. When it came time for them to vote, the vote was unanimous, and Juice was patched in with celebration.

Chibs had told him he was proud of him.

Juice smiled that wonderful smile and dawned his fully patched cut.

The Sons of Anarchy had become his home.

xxx

"Jesus, Chibs, you look like shit," Tig says as Chibs enters Scoops and Sweets.

Chibs had downed another half bottle of Scotch before he'd been able to go back to sleep that morning, and when he finally had woken at noon, his head felt like a sledgehammer had been beaten against it.

He pushes his dark sunglasses against his eyes to block out the bright light, then pushes past Tig to go upstairs to the Chapel. Tig stares wordlessly after him. Chibs had called him and Happy after he'd woken and commanded them to meet him at the clubhouse. He hadn't said why, but based on the urgent seriousness of his voice, the two Sons had rushed over. Now, they follow the Scot upstairs wondering what is going on.

"What's up, brother?" Happy asks as he and Tig take a seat on either side of Chibs.

Chibs' expression is unreadable, but he'd removed the sunglasses from his face and his eyes are bloodshot. He doesn't speak, and Tig starts getting a little worried. Normally Chibs has no problem speaking his mind.

"Did something happen?" Tig questions.

Chibs still doesn't speak. He steels his expression, clenching his fists on top of the table. He looks in pain, and his facade of no emotion starts to crumble. Finally, he stares at them both.

"We need to do somethin' about Juice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to check out the Entertainment Weekly article, "'Sons of Anarchy' stars Theo Rossi, Tommy Flanagan talk that scene," in which Tommy Flanagan states that Juice was Chibs' Prospect.


	2. Turn Tin to Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy may be a wee bit OOC, but his dialogue is difficult since he’s a man of few words on the show. I do figure he would be the most stubborn on the situation though.
> 
> The next part will be up either tomorrow or the day after. It’s finished, but I’d like to go over it one more time before I post it. Plus, Juice finally makes his official appearance in the next part, and I’m excited to put it up. I’m also working on an AU Chibs/Juice story that I will probably begin posting sometime later this week. There’s also a Gen Jax-centered story in the works that I will probably begin working on either this week or next, so keep an eye out for all of that.

**Chapter Two:**

“Turn Tin to Gold”

Tig and Happy stare at Chibs blankly.

"What?" Happy frowns as Tig says, "I don't understand."

Chibs grits his teeth and forces himself to stay calm. "The lad needs pulled from Stockton and returned to the Club."

"So we can kill him?" replies Happy, thinking he understands.

"No!" Chibs growls, slamming his fist against the table. The ferocity of his voice causes even Happy to recoil. He fixes the two men with a stare that could melt iron. "The boy stays alive."

A hushed silence fills the room, and Chibs can tell the two men are contemplating his words. Happy is still frowning and Tig looks confused. Chibs knew the two would handle his thoughts on Juice the worst; that's why he'd called them in separately from the rest of the Club. Tig and Happy had been there through it all - the rise and fall of Jax Teller and the breaking down of Juice. Both Tig and Happy had been devoted to Clay and Jax, and anything involving Juice and other negative times within the Club are a sore spot for them. Tig is still unsure of how to cope with Jax's suicide, and even if he'll never admit it, Happy hasn't been his usual self since Jax's death. They're in a rough place despite still having the Club, and anything related to the Club's almost-downfall is a near-untouchable topic.

Finally, Happy crosses his arms in front of his chest and gives Chibs and equally powerful stare. "Juice is a dead man."

Then Tig shakes his head, adding, "I'm sorry, brother, but Juice's fate has already been decided. He's dead to us."

Chibs breathes deeply, biting back the anger that wishes to spew forth. "He doesn't have to die."

"He's a rat," Happy spits, "And a coward!"

"Chibs, think about what you're saying. If it wasn't for Juice, half our Club would still be alive."

"Yeah, if he'd kept is mouth shut," Happy glares.

"He opened his mouth 'cause that cop threatened to out his parentage to the Club! The lad was scared! The Club was all he had!"

"Sons can't be _scared_."

"He knew what he was getting into when he joined this Club," adds Tig sadly. "He knew what happened to Rats."

Chibs shakes his head, but he keeps silent. He can see he's getting nowhere with the two men, and as much as it pains him, he's beginning to lose hope. He sighs. He doesn't want to lose Tig and Happy's support. The two men will think him weak for asking for Juice's release. Juice knew what he was getting into when he joined, just has Tig had said, and Chibs is just going to have to deal with losing him - even if it nearly kills him.

He shakes his head again, this time to clear his mind. "Yer right," he tells them. "Sorry, brothers. I guess that's all."

Tig and Happy stand from the table and begin walking towards the door.

Then, out of nowhere, Chibs says softly, "Who are we to play God?" He speaks more to himself than to them, but it causes the two men to freeze. "Who are we to decide who lives an' who dies?"

"It's the way it's always been," says Tig gently.

"Aye, but what if we're wrong?"

Chibs' body sinks and overwhelming sadness overcomes him. Tig and Happy watch as their friend seems to withdraw into himself, almost as if he's accepted defeat from the world. Tig feels suddenly guilty, and he glances over at Happy. Happy’s expression is unreadable, but he meets Tig’s eyes and Tig wonders if he sees a flicker of emotion there.

"Vote," Happy says suddenly from across the room.

Chibs turns his head up to look at him. "What?"

"Take a vote with the Club." Happy crosses his arms in front of his chest, his face an unreadable mask. "If it's unanimous, we'll get him out." Happy then turns and claps Tig on the shoulder. "Let's go, brother." Tig nods his head and the two descend the stairs to the shopfront below.

Chibs watches them go. He doesn't speak, but emotions swirl all about him. _He has a chance_ , is all he can think. _I’m going to save him._

A deep shuddering sigh escapes him and he buries his face in his hands.

xxx

For the first time in weeks, Chibs doesn't open a bottle of Scotch when he returns home. He's lost in his head and thoughts of how to convince the Club to vote for Juice's release are at the forefront of his mind. He settles onto the couch with a sigh and absentmindedly flips on the television for background noise. Without the liquor numbing him to the world, a flurry of memories come rushing back to him as he sits, and he faintly considers giving up in favor of the bottle.

He can nearly hear Juice's laughter in the living room as the two of them settle in for a night of drinking, smoking, and enjoying each other's company. Juice had always been most comfortable around him, and there was something about Juice's infectious smile that could draw emotions from Chibs that no other person could. The two would joke and laugh, would talk and drink until the wee hours of the morning until they were either too drunk or too tired. Chibs would pass out on the couch, often with Juice's head in his lap and a warm smile on his face.

Juice always seemed to look up to him. Ever since the two met in the sketchy bar in Queens and Chibs had offered to take him back as his Prospect, Juice had hardly left his side. They would carry out Club duties separately if directed, but otherwise, they could usually  be found in each other's company. Juice always seemed more comfortable in Chibs' home and often spent the night there on the couch. He claimed he hated being alone in his empty house, that he'd already spent too much of his life alone, and that he didn't need to anymore now that he'd found the Club and his best friend. Chibs enjoyed having him stay. He'd never admit it, but he'd been lonely until he met Juice, and having the boy around breathed new light into his life.

He cared for the boy, terribly so, and eventually he began to realize that he was starting to care more for him than the Club itself.

When things began to spiral out of control for Juice, Chibs immediately knew something was wrong. Juice's smile became less frequent, he didn't spend as much time at his house, and he began to avoid Chibs' company. Chibs' didn't know what to do. Juice didn't want to talk, and any mention of trying to find out what was bothering him seemed to only push him away further.

When he found Juice trying to hide the chain by the tree after his attempted suicide, it nearly broke him.

Juice had become such a great part of his life, and he couldn't imagine life without him in it. He was angry, he'd called him a coward, but his anger couldn't last long. He needed to make sure Juice was all right and that meant trying to pull him close again. Later, when he'd confronted Juice in the bathroom and learned about his father, things had seemed to return to normal. Juice started spending the night again, they could once again talk like old friends, and Juice seemed comfortable in his presence.

But Chibs had been wrong. So awfully wrong.

He didn’t realized until it was too late how deep the police force and Feds had their hold on the boy. When he'd finally found out, he felt betrayed. He beat him in the garage of Teller-Morrow, but even then, he still patched him up afterwards because he couldn't stop himself from caring.

Even when he told him to put the gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

The moment in the diner with Juice and Unser had been the most painful. So many words had been said, so many lies had been spun, that Chibs could no longer avoid the fact that Juice was going to have to go. So he pushed the boy away. He had to distance himself or else he'd never be able to stand not having Juice within his life. But the look on Juice's face when he'd told him to pull the trigger haunted him. _Still_ haunts him. He never meant it, and it kills him to know that Juice has those words as a final memory of him. He'd watched the light leave the boy's eyes, all hope fading out and being replaced with dead sadness.

And then Juice told him he loved him.

And he didn't say anything back.

And what kills him most is that Chibs does love him. He just couldn't say it.

Unser had told him Juice was lost, and they agreed that's why he needed to go away. Chibs just never thought he'd be stupid enough to try to make a deal with the Mayans to get transport to Mexico. Yet, Juice was lost and as he'd said, the Club was the only family he had. It was his last desperate chance to get away, but they'd taken him and had him carry out their disastrous plan to get him inside Stockton.

And now...

Chibs fingers hungrily reach out, searching for a glass that isn't there.

Now Juice is under the _care_ of Ron Tully and has been promised death that Chibs, honestly, has no idea when will come. Jax had had many conversations with Tully, and he had never shared the full details of the deal the two had made. All Jax had done was laugh in passing that Tully was keeping Juice close, that Juice was getting some much needed _love_.

The words had made Chibs' blood boil and he'd suddenly felt fiercely possessive of Juice. He'd fantasized about killing Tully, but then the nightmares had begun and all he could see was the Aryan leader taking what was his.

For Chibs considers Juice his, and he wants him back.

No longer can he pretend that he doesn't care. He'd tried to push Juice away, and the regret for his actions has plagued him ever since. While he doesn't think Juice will ever truly understand the love he has for the boy, he wants to at least try to save him.

He has to.

He doesn't think he can live like this much longer.

xxx

"Ya know the vote is mere formality, right?" Chibs says to Tig.

The two men are sitting in Chibs' living room. Tig had come over to check on Chibs after he and Happy had seen him early that afternoon in the Chapel. While Tig currently sits more on Happy's side of the argument concerning Juice, it's easier for Tig to be more sympathetic and talk to Chibs without Happy there. Tig has always been more open-minded on many topics, and even though he still thinks Juice has what's coming to him, he wants to understand where Chibs is coming from. This he can do much more easily without Happy present.

Tig looks at Chibs oddly, "What do you mean?"

Chibs shrugs, "Ye all can vote, but I'm gettin' him out of there no matter the outcome."

"There's no way the Club will allow it if the vote gets a no."

"Won't be Club business if I do it on me own."

"Brother, if you do that, no one will listen to you anymore. Pretty soon, they'd be plotting your own downfall."

Again, Chibs merely shrugs. "Then I'll turn in my cut."

Tig stares at him with wide eyes, "Does he really mean that much to you?"

"Aye," Chibs says simply.

Tig shakes his head sadly, "Why?"

Chibs stares silently at the floor. He doesn't know how to put his thoughts for Juice into words. He doesn't know how to explain how Juice's smile lights his heart, how Juice's presence in the room draws all his attention to the point where he can focus on nothing else. How even though he's just a bitter old man, Juice makes him feel young and happy again. He'd struggled with his thoughts for the boy for so long, had sworn he'd never share to Juice how he truly felt, but now with Juice gone the thoughts have consumed him.

"I feel responsible for him," he finally answers.

"We all feel responsible for a lot of things. That doesn't mean we can change them."

Chibs looks up at Tig and meets his eyes. He stares at him for a long time, searching his face, trying to sense if Tig will understand. Finally, even though he knows this might be the beginning of the end, he says softly, "I love him."

Tig doesn't say anything. At first he thinks Chibs just means the words in a protective sort of way. After all, Juice was his Prospect and the two were always close, but as he takes in the sad smile on Chibs' face he realizes the words go deeper.

"Did he know?" Tig finally questions quietly.

"He knew I cared for him, but not like this. How could I tell him?" He smiles, seeming deep in thought, then chuckles sadly, "What would he want with a fat old bastard like me?"

"Chibs..."

"Aye, I know, I'm fucking stupid. Might as well turn in me patch now."

"You're not stupid, brother. Think of all the things I've had, err, relations with. Look at who I'm with now. Venus! She's a doll, and I love her, but she's not exactly typical Son material." Chibs smiles at him, and he continues. "But Juice, brother? After everything he did?"

"What am I supposed to do? Turn the feelings off? I don't think it works that way, Tiggy."

Tig sighs, "No, it doesn't." Again, he looks at Chibs sadly. "Do you even have a plan to get him out if the Club votes yes? Or well..." he remembers Chibs' words that the vote is only a formality, "...how do you plan on getting him out?"

"I've been thinking about it, and I think we could get everythin’ dropped. Jax had a lot of people on the inside. Remember he told Juice he could get him out if Juice killed Lin? I called the Club lawyer, and she said the Feds are at a dead end with Juice. If we just find the right people, I think we can bribe them to let him go. The Club... _I_...have plenty of money. I'm willing to use it all to get him out o’ there."

"You're fucking crazy, Telford."

"Aye," Chibs gives him a small smile.

xxx

The entire Redwood chapter of the Sons of Anarchy are seated around the table in the Chapel. Chibs had called them all together citing an important vote that needed to be made. Aside from Tig and Happy, the remaining Sons have no clue as to what Chibs has planned. The atmosphere in the room is tense. Happy is staring at him with cold eyes, and Tig seems worried - perhaps from his words earlier that he'd turn in his cut if he has to. The remainder of the MC sit curiously around the table waiting for him to speak.

"I'll just get straight to the point then," he says finally. "This is about pullin' Juice from Stockton."

A visible change stirs throughout the air. Those who knew Juice well enough are surprised by the statement, and others, such as Rat, seem suddenly uncomfortable. Happy is glaring at Chibs, and Tig is tapping his fingers nervously against the table.

"All of ya are familiar with everythin' concerning the boy," Chibs continues. "An' ya know he's in prison for those actions."

"Because he's a rat and a coward," Happy glares.

"Because he made bad choices," Chibs stares back at Happy, the violent glint in his eyes silencing him. "But the lad deserves another chance."

"I thought Jax gave him plenty of chances?" This comes from Rane Quinn.

"Aye. But his head was never in the right place. He was being threatened every step he took."

"If he was being threatened, why didn't he say anything to the Club?" asks Montez.

"He was bein' blackmailed. If he said anythin' to the Club, the Feds were going to out his parentage, and this Club was his family. He was afraid he'd lose us."

T.O. laughs, "Lose us cause his pops was black, right?" He motions to himself, "Doesn't look like that's a problem, does it?"

"The lad didn't know," replies Chibs. "Up until ye were patched, the Club was, ah, _selective_."

"I know, I know, you all didn't like black guys," T.O. holds up his hands defensively. "But that still doesn't give him an excuse to rat."

Happy grunts, folding his arms across his chest. "Exactly."

"I _know_ ," Chibs sighs, getting frustrated. "But he was afraid o' losing the Club. This place was his home."

Another voice weakly fills the room. "So that gave him an excuse to kill Miles?" Rat asks quietly.

A deep sigh escapes Chibs' lips. Miles has always been a sore topic for Rat. The two had come into the Club around the same time and had been friends. Then Juice had stolen the cocaine, forced Rat to play Russian roulette, and killed Miles all within a short span of time. The memories of that time still haunt Rat, Chibs knows, so he's sure Rat is uncomfortable with the thought of Juice coming back around.

“He showed poor judgement with Miles, I’ll admit that. But Clay knew about the situation an’ Juice was pardoned from what happened. That history was takin’ care of long ago.” Chibs knows Rat doesn’t like the answer, but it wasn’t as if Juice was still hiding the information about Miles. He had come clean long ago.

“So what about after the blackmailing by the Feds?” Montez continues. “Why did he continue to fail the Club?”

"Look," Chibs says slowly, "I'm not going to try an' convince you the lads a saint. He did bad things, many of them on Jax’s orders. All of us did. Yet Juice keeps gettin' the short end o' the stick. Why are we allowed to walk free when we did just as much harm in the name of Jax and his family? Why is Juice so much different?”

Chibs can tell the men are beginning to consider his words. The past few years under the leadership of Clay and Jax had been chaotic and full of violence. It had truly begun to spiral out of control when the two had pushed for the deal with the Cartel, and all of the Sons had carried out many terrible deeds since that decision.

So far Tig has chosen not to speak, but finally he knows he has to say what's on his mind. "How do we know we can even trust him again, Chibs?"

Chibs nods his head, understanding Tig's concern. How _do_ they know they can trust him?

Before he can answer, Happy lashes out with another painful question. "What about Tara? Why did he run if he wasn't a coward?"

Chibs looks Happy square in the eye, "Everythin' he did in the end, he did to keep that brat's mother safe."

Happy frowns, Rat gasps, and the remaining Sons stare at him with wide eyes. No one has ever referred to Jax in such a manner, and it seems especially daring to do so after only two weeks since Jax's suicide. Yet Chibs continues, unperturbed by the bold statement and their surprised reactions.

"Juice knew the momen' he hid the evidence that he'd never be able to return to the Club. His _family_. Gemma was like a mother to him an' he chose to protect her even if it meant losing the one thing he truly cared about. If that doesn't show the boy is capable o' loyalty, I don't know what does."

The room goes silent. Chibs stares at each of the members, and even though he doesn't want to raise his hopes just yet, he can't help but notice that his words seem to have finally stirred a change in the men. Chibs lets them process their thoughts. If he hasn't persuaded them yet, then he knows he’s about out of options. Soon, he will have to threaten removing his cut.

Minutes pass, and still the room is quiet. Chibs decides it's time, and he speaks gently, hoping the Sons will make the right choice. "Shall we 'ave a vote, then? It will have to be unanimous. Those in favor of Juice returning to the Club and being removed from prison?"

T.O. is the first to speak, "You're crazy brother, but I trust you. Yay."

Quinn follows T.O., "I hope this isn’t a mistake. Yay."

"Yay," answers Montez, “But if _anyone_ is ever being threatened in the Club, they need to speak to the Club _immediately_.

Rat is quiet. He stares searchingly at Chibs, still wholly uncomfortable with the situation. "I don't know. Miles was my friend.” He bows his head and is silent for several minutes. Finally he looks back up wearily as he makes up his mind. “One more chance,” he says simply. “Yay."

"I know you won't have it any other way, brother," Tig says, referring to their conversation earlier, "Yay."

And then finally, Happy. Chibs knew all along Happy would be the deciding vote. He doesn't blame him. Happy has always been the one to follow the rules to the letter, and he cannot stand rats and traitors. He's always taken pleasure in death, and killing comes easy to him. He'd rather die than do anything to betray the Club. Juice was a weakness, and Happy might never forgive him.

The entire room watches Happy as he sits silently in his chair, arms still crossed in front of his chest and frown seemingly permanently etched across his face. "He doesn't deserve this," he says, and Chibs feels his heart fall. " _But_..." Chibs meets Happy's eyes and he almost feels as if he sees understanding in the man's usually cold, expressionless stare. "...I think Gemma appreciated what he tried to do for her. In _that_ he showed loyalty...but I _will_ kill him myself if he harms this Club again. That’s a promise. Yay."

Chibs lets out a shuddering breath as relief overcomes him.

_He's free. They're going to save him._


	3. Throw Everything I Own into the Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Juice! (Please don’t hate me.)

**Chapter Three:**

“Throw Everything I Own into the Fire”

The lights are out when Tully sneaks into his cell. Juice doesn't even pretend to be asleep anymore. He gazes wearily at Tully as the man draws nearer and hopes it will be quick this time.

"Hello, love," Tully coos at him. "You're not asleep are you?"

The thin mattress shifts as Tully sinks down onto the cot. Tully reaches out and gently brushes his fingers across Juice's face. Juice used to recoil, used to shy from the touch, but now he just lays there. Tully will just take what he wants anyway.

"Are you not talking today, darling?" murmurs Tully. He draws his hand back. "Perhaps it's best. Sound echoes loudly in the darkness. Best not wake the sleeping bears."

Tully always says strange things like that, and Juice has given up trying to understand him. He hardly talks back anymore.

"Turn over, love. It must be quick today. I have other business to attend to."

Juice slowly turns over onto his stomach. He stares out into the darkness, eyes dead to the world around him. Deep within his mind he's glad it's going to be quick, but he remains silent. Tully reaches over him, slowly pulling his pants down his legs. Juice feels the cool air of the cell against his backside, and then Tully's fingertips are playing lightly against his ass, squeezing his cheeks and slipping a finger between them. A faint gasp escapes Juice's lips when Tully shoves his finger inside, but he bites back the hatred that wishes to come forth. He used to try to fight, to struggle, but that only ever seemed to amuse Tully. It goes quicker when he's silent.

Tully crouches over him and removes his fingers from Juice's ass. Juice hears the sound of cloth being pulled downward, and then another gasp, louder this time, escapes Juice’s mouth as Tully shoves his dick suddenly deep inside him. Tears form in the corner of Juice's eyes. He hates when Tully doesn't use the Vaseline he'd so _generously_ gifted him, and the pain rips through him as Tully starts thrusting in and out forcefully.

Tully reaches around as if sensing Juice's tears and he softly wipes them away. The gentle motions of his hands are so different from the forceful thrusts that rip inside him. A low groan escapes Tully's lips as the older man breathes heavily above him. Tully claws against his back, the soft motions turning into scratching talons against his skin.

Skin slaps roughly against skin. Tully’s breath comes out in ragged pants, and he digs his fingers into Juice’s sides, holding him tight.

"Almost there, sweetheart," Tully groans, and then he pulls out and cums all over Juice's backside.

Juice hates the mess. He hates having to clean the warm, sticky liquid from his skin, but it's become routine. _I don't cum in halfbreeds, sweetheart_ , Tully had once told him.

"Thanks, love," Tully sighs and pecks a kiss against the corner of Juice's mouth. He then pulls up his pants and goes to exit the cell, but pauses before he opens the bars, "You know, next time you could talk a little. I think I'd like that."

Juice doesn't speak. He's trying to see if he can let his eyes blur so that he can no longer see the man's shape in the darkness.

"Juice."

The sudden serious tone causes Juice to stare up at Tully, a sudden pang of fear radiating in his chest.

"I said, I think I'd like that. Do you think you could do that for me next time?"

"Whatever pleases you," Juice's voice cracks softly across the darkness. He knows Tully's favorite words.

"Ah, that's it. I'll see you next time, love."

Then he's gone from the cell and Juice is left alone once again in the darkness.

xxx

Juice has lost track of the amount of time that's passed. He knows it has been at least a week or two since the rumors had spread of Jax's suicide, and that heavy statement lay firmly as a marker in his mind. Tully had entered his cell the night it had happened and told him of Jax's death, how Jax had gone out on his bike with an entire hoard of officers trailing behind him. He'd told him the Sons of Anarchy were scrambling to regain their footing. He'd said the Sons were lucky they still even had a hold on the world.

He'd told him Chibs had taken his role as President.

And then he'd raped him with a satisfied smile after seeing the look of pain on Juice's face after hearing Chibs' name.

Juice hates the darkness because he knows it's when the monsters come out. He also longs for a more permanent darkness to make the monsters go away. Jax had promised him a quick death, but now that Jax is gone he wonders if the offer still stands. Once he had mentioned to Tully about his longing for death. He'd hoped the Aryan leader would oblige and kill him quickly, but Tully had merely smiled at him. "You're too good of a plaything," he'd said.

So Juice had stopped fighting, stopped struggling, and hoped Tully would leave him alone. This had only amused Tully. It became a game for him to see if he could get Juice to speak, even better if he could get the boy to moan while he was inside him.

The more time that passes, the deader Juice becomes inside. He lay awake at night, tears frequently spilling from his eyes as he wished for the Club and everything to go back to how it once was. The Club was his life, and he wishes he could change everything. He wishes he had never done the things he did, and he hates how things came to be.

Most importantly, he hates himself.

Sometimes Tully sat in the cell with him while he cried. The older man would reach out and brush his tears away and whisper sweet-nothings into his ears. Juice would cringe against his touch, but there was nothing he could do to make the man go away so he tolerated his presence. At least he wasn't alone, he'd tell himself, trying to find some ounce of good in the situation. After all, it was when he was alone and Tully hadn't visited his cell for days when Juice's thoughts would turn for the worst.

It was those days, when Tully was taking a break from him, (he always came back. always,) that Juice would sink into himself and visit memories he wished he could forget. The memories were those of happy times, when he still belonged to the Club and he could call it his family. It was the time spent with brothers, and most importantly, with Chibs.

In those times, tears would fall freely as he remembered the Scotsman and he hated himself so fiercely for losing his best friend. Chibs' friendship had meant the world to him. He'd looked up to him and loved spending every moment possible with him. What had started as simple friendship had blossomed into something unexplainable, and Juice was only ever happiest when Chibs was around. He would have been happy if he could have spent the rest of his life with Chibs, even if it meant never finding an old lady and starting an actual family.

And Chibs had given him so many chances. So many opportunities to make things right.

Juice had ruined everything, and now all he has to remember him by are the words that told him to pull the trigger.

Now Juice only wishes there was a trigger to pull.

xxx

Days pass by and Juice sinks further into himself. Even Tully finds it hard to get the boy to speak. He threatens Juice with pain, he forces himself onto him harder, but Juice has gone distant. The light within his eyes has gone out, and whenever Juice looks at him it's as if the boy is no longer there.

Rumors along the cell block are that Juice cries out at night in his dreams. He yells, seeming in pain, and begs unseen demons to go away. The inmates hear him sob, but when Juice wakes, they only ever see him empty and dead on the outside. Tully is beginning to grow bored. He enjoys his playthings when he can get them to interact, but it seems as if Juice is slowly dying. He finds himself visiting the boy less frequently, and when he does go to his cell, it's difficult for him to get hard enough to push inside him.

"Where are you?" he finally yells at Juice one day. He grabs Juice by the shoulders and shakes him. "Fucking answer me, halfbreed!"

Juice is limp in his hands. His eyes are open but unseeing. Tully throws him back onto the cot in disgust and leaves the cell.

The prison staff are beginning to grown concerned. Inmate Juan Carlos Ortiz doesn't seem to be eating. Juan Carlos doesn't want to leave his cell. Mr. Ortiz doesn't seem to recognize they exist. The staff wonders if they should consult a doctor, but that means spending money on finding the boy some help and they're not _that_ concerned with some left-for-dead motorcycle club anarchist.

Then a solution comes through a request from the boy's lawyer. Juice's lawyer, on orders from the Club, wishes to know if Juice will be further questioned for his crimes. The police and Feds had long since given up on getting anything else out of the boy and the rumor-mill pointed the blame at Jax Teller's mother, Gemma, for Tara Knowles' death. Aside from petty charges, they did not have much left on the boy, and based on his current state of mind, it seemed more likely he was going to rot inside his cell than provide them with any use. The fallback on the prison is never good whenever an inmate death occurs, and they'd rather not have his body on their hands.

The prison reaches out to the lawyer and as a response, say they have decided to drop the charges against Mr. Juan Carlos Ortiz. His lawyer passes this information onto the Sons of Anarchy, and the Club accepts responsibility for seeing him safely removed from the prison.

A date and time are decided.

Juice will be released in a week.

xxx

Somewhere in the distance a door opens and closes. Footsteps echo down the long cell block and the inmates watch as two guards head grimly towards their destination. They come to a halt in front of Juice's cell, and the one guard looks at the other.

"Is he alive in there?"

The other guard, a woman, shrugs.

"Mr. Ortiz. Stand up."

Juice doesn't move from his place on the cot. His eyes are staring unseeing up at the ceiling.

The guard bangs on the bars. "Hey! Get up!" He looks again at the other guard. "Fucking hell, he better not be dead."

They yank open the bars and step into the cell. Juice still doesn't move, and when they stand over him, they can just barely see the slow rise and fall of his chest.

"Well he's not dead," the woman guard says. She shakes Juice's shoulder. "Hey, get up! We're here to take you out of here."

Again, Juice doesn't move. He doesn't even seem to recognize that they're in the cell with him.

"Goddamn it, get him up!"

The two guards pull Juice to his feet. Juice sways unsteadily, but he doesn't fall. The male guard pushes him forward. "Walk," he commands him.

Something in Juice at least hears the command, and Juice begins walking forward. The guards fall into step on either side of him and direct his expressionless eyes towards the exit of the cell block. Once in the public area, another guard steps forward and hands Juice the things he'd come in with, including his Sons of Anarchy cut. A small flicker of recognition seems to pass over his eyes as he takes the cut, but then it's gone again and he's back deep within himself.

The guards again push him forward and they enter the civilian area of the prison. It's here that Chibs and Tig are waiting, the only two Sons who had agreed to come get him. When Chibs lays his eyes on Juice he immediately knows something is wrong and he hurries forward, panic in his eyes,

"What did ye do to him!" He looks wildly from guard to guard as he reaches up and shakes Juice, trying to get his attention. "What did ye do!"

The guards back away, and Tig has to grab Chibs by the arm to keep him from following after them. Chibs turns back to Juice who doesn't even know that he's there. He pulls the boy into his arms as the panic threatens to overflow and erupt.

"I'm so sorry, lad!" he cries out in pain. He hugs Juice close, "I'm so sorry."

Tig reaches out and places a hand on Chibs' shoulder. "Come on, brother. Let's get him home."


	4. I Want to Find a Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I have to say, thank you all for your ‘hits,’ kudos, and comments so far. I truly enjoy seeing the comments, and I’ve tried to reply to all of them. It’s so motivating to see people interested in my story. Thank you! :)
> 
> Secondly, if you haven’t seen it yet, (*time for the shameless plug*) feel free to check out my AU ‘stripper’ Juice story, “Playing With Fire,” that I posted the other day. I’ll randomly post other stories just because I tend to have multiple things being written at once to keep me from getting bored of individual stories.
> 
> Lastly, it will probably be a couple days before I have the next part posted. I need to get things written, and I also have to give myself time to proofread. This chapter is setting up what I plan to come (it's a shorter one) and hopefully I will be able to write the next part soon.

**Chapter Four**

"I Want to Find a Way"

Chibs and Tig had originally planned to drop Juice off at his house. They'd figured Juice would want some time in his own home, spend the night in his own bedroom, and relish in the freedom of once again being part of the world. Now, as Chibs drives his motorcycle ahead of the van that Tig is driving, Chibs knows Juice will never survive like this on his own. Chibs signals behind him for Tig to pull over, and the two pull off to the side of the road. He backs his bike up to the driver's side window of the van, and waits for Tig to roll it down.

"What's up?" asks Tig.

"How's he doing?"

Tig glances over at the passenger seat. Juice is buckled in and sitting up straight, but he still seems unaware of his surroundings. He hasn't said a word, and it's as if he doesn't realize he's even been released from his cell.

"Honestly, brother. Not good."

Chibs' gloved hands are curled in tight fists around his handlebars. He's sure the knuckles are white underneath from the grip, but holding on tight is the only thing keeping him steady. The pain in his chest is making him feel sick, and he's craving a glass of Scotch. He breathes deeply, trying not to stare too hard at Juice. "We'll take him to my house," he finally decides.

Tig nods, "Alright, sounds good."

When they arrive at Chibs' house, it takes several minutes of coaxing to get Juice to leave the van. Chibs takes Juice's hand and helps him down, then after having no luck in getting him to walk forward, he finally growls in frustration and lifts Juice off his feet. He cradles Juice bridal style in his arms and takes him into his bedroom, then gingerly lays him down onto the bed. Juice stares up at the ceiling, and when Chibs asks him if he's comfortable, Juice doesn't reply.

"What is wrong with him?" Chibs says into the air as Tig walks into the room.

Tig doesn't answer, and Chibs knows he doesn't need to. _They_ caused this. They allowed him to remain in that prison where Juice was raped, beaten, and allowed to sink further and further into despair. He'd been promised a quick death, but instead he was given the ability to wallow in his own misery. All of it has finally taken its toll. The boy is broken.

"I'm sorry, Chibby." Tig solemnly pats Chibs shoulder and then he leaves the room. He knows what Chibs needs right now is a chance to process it all. Currently, they have no idea how to move forward. They never expected it to turn out like this.

xxx

Night has fallen when the screaming begins.

Chibs is sitting on the couch in front of the television, nursing a beer and contemplating how to proceed, when a strangled cry followed by a scream comes from his bedroom. The beer bottle slips from his hand and falls to the couch. Beer foams and froths out onto the cushions, but Chibs is already halfway down the hall. He bursts into his bedroom to find Juice sitting up in bed, his eyes bloodshot and cheeks stained with tears. Juice turns to stare at him and his eyes go wide.

"No..." His voice comes out hoarse, "No, no, no. Not you. Please not you."

"What's the matter, lad?" Chibs asks, trying not to panic. "What's wrong?"

Chibs takes a step forward, and Juice raises his hands as if to protect himself. "No! Get away from me!" The younger man stares at Chibs in silence. His eyes are afraid, and he sinks back in terror when Chibs moves to reach out to him. "No... Please...no. Just kill me. Please just kill me." He's crying, and the hands clutching the blanket up near his head are white like death. "I just want to die. Please let me die."

Chibs closes his eyes in pain. He sucks in a breath, trying to stay calm despite the broken creature in front of him. He didn't know it would be this hard. "Juicey, it's me, Chibs." He takes another step towards the frightened young man.

Tears stream down Juice's face as he sobs, and he lets out another choked "No!" He watches Chibs in horror. "I don't want this!" he cries. "Please get away! I don't want this! I don't want this I don't want this I don’t want this!"

For a split second, Chibs thinks Juice is mad because he pulled him from prison and this angers him. He'd done the boy a favor, had potentially angered the remaining Sons by convincing them to allow Juice's return, and had vouched for him despite the distrust that lays within them. But the more he looks at the boy, he realizes that Juice isn't truly looking at him. Juice's eyes are clouded over. He's staring at Chibs without really seeing him, and he doesn't realize Chibs is really there. He's afraid, but not of being out of prison. He's afraid of something, or someone, and what he thinks they're going to do to him.

The reality of the situation crashes over Chibs and he lets out an anguished cry. He knew the boy would have a tough time in prison, but that was Juice's punishment. The Club had decided he would remain inside, and Jax's condemnation of death for the young man had been agreed upon unanimously by the rest of the Club. Yet, seeing this wounded animal before him nearly breaks the Scotsman. He wonders how many men had abused him, if it had only been Tully or many?

Chibs goes to him, and Juice beats furiously back at him. "Hey now, boy!" He grabs at Juice's hands and pins him down. Juice struggles against him. "Aye, Juicey boy, calm down. Calm, my lad." Juice stops fighting, but he's still staring at Chibs in fear. His eyes are dead. His mind probably too.

"Juicey..." Chibs climbs into bed with him and holds Juice close. Juice's body goes limp against him, his head falling against Chibs' chest. "Aye, that's it." Chibs hugs Juice tightly to him. "That's it, that's my boy." He's fighting back tears despite trying to hold himself together. He plants a weak kiss against Juice's forehead. "That's my boy," he breathes deeply, "Get some sleep."

xxx

Sunlight streams in through the cracks of the window blinds when Chibs wakes. His body is sore from sleeping in an awkward sitting position. Juice is breathing heavily against his chest, and Chibs realizes he'd kept his arms wrapped tightly around the boy the entire night. He leans his head back against the headboard, eyes searching the ceiling of his bedroom as if it holds the answers of how to proceed. He's good at being a leader, good with a gun and excellent with his knives. He isn't afraid to kill and knows how to make a tough call in violent situations.

But taking care of a broken mind? Of someone, despite their past, that he cares deeply about?

Chibs doesn't have the answer.

Suddenly, Juice stirs slightly against his chest. Chibs watches as Juice's eyes gently flutter open and take in his surroundings. He opens his mouth as if to scream, but Chibs hurriedly places his hand on Juice's head, hugging him closely. "Hey now, none of that yelling, boy'o."

Juice looks up at him, searching his familiar face. A faint light of recognition ignites distantly in his dark eyes and he surprises Chibs when he mouths silently, "Chibs?"

"Aye," answers Chibs hopefully.

Juice buries his face in Chibs' chest. "This is a good dream." He closes his eyes. His breathing slows.

Chibs sighs as he watches Juice fall back into his deep slumber. Ever-so-gently, he moves out from under the boy and lets Juice fall lightly against the pillow. He's decided to let Juice sleep, at least for now. Even though he seems constantly plagued by nightmares, the sleep seems currently preferable to letting him face the demons of the waking world. At least in his dreams Juice will eventually realize they're fiction. But how can he get the boy to distinguish the truth when he's awake? Chibs has to figure out how to convince him he's no longer stuck in that hell.

Back in the living room, Chibs stares at the fallen beer that has stained the cushion on his couch. He walks over and picks up the bottle, then decides to try to clean the cushion as best as he can in hopes that he can take his mind off Juice - at least for a bit. It doesn't seem real that the boy who he'd once spent so much time with on this couch now doesn't even recognize him. Even worse is the fact that Juice thinks he's one of _them_.

Chibs wants to kill Tully and all who had harmed Juice in prison.

Anger washes over him and in a fit of rage he slams the beer bottle at the wall. The bottle bursts on impact and rains glass down onto the floor. He stares blankly at the broken glass and wonders what is going to happen if he can't fix Juice. He wonders if Juice is too broken, just like the glass now littering his floor, and he wonders if he'll ever be able to put the pieces back together.

xxx

Juice stares up at the familiar ceiling and he wonders when the dream is finally going to morph into one of his cell. Any moment he expects Tully to walk inside, and he can't bear to turn his head to catch sight of the man. He hates when he dreams of Chibs because Chibs always turns into Tully. Tully always laughs at him, laughs at his hope for seeing his friend and laughs at the thought of him ever escaping this hell. Then, when he's done taunting him, the Chibs-who-turns-into-Tully always comes to him and forces him to do things he doesn't want to do anymore. He doesn't want to feel Tully inside him anymore.

He wants to die.

When Juice hears the door open off to the side, his eyes roll back in his head and he lets out a choked sob. He knows any second the dream is going to morph back into his cell, that the door opening is Tully coming inside to take him. He stares at the ceiling, hoping, _pleading_ , for Tully to go away.

And then a familiar voice rings out across the room and Juice is even more scared. _When is this going to change?_ Will the dream just morph already?

"Juicey?"

Juice turns his head to take in the sight of Chibs standing over by the door. Chibs is holding a small paper plate with a sandwich and a clear glass of water. Juice wants to cry. He loves seeing Chibs, but he doesn't want him to be taken away.

He knows he's going to go away eventually.

"Juicey boy," Chibs says again, this time walking towards him. Chibs seems nervous, as if he's afraid Juice is going to do something erratic at any moment, but Juice only stares up at him wearily. Chibs places the glass of water down on the nightstand and then hands the sandwich plate out to Juice. "Ye look so skinny, lad. Eat. Please."

Juice doesn't say anything, but a strange rumble in his stomach alerts him that he's hungry. This confuses him. Normally, hunger can’t be felt in dreams, but Juice clearly feels the pain settle in his stomach. His eyes flash as he contemplates the situation, but then he decides it must be because he's so hungry in the waking world. Surely, he hasn't eaten in a while, so surely the pain must be filtering in through his dream. Hesitantly, Juice reaches out and takes the food. He's decided there's no harm in eating dream-food, and he faintly notices the odd look of hope on Chibs' face when Juice takes the sandwich from him.

"Do ye know who I am, lad?"

 _What a strange question from dream-Chibs?_ Juice thinks. He doesn't reply, and he's still waiting for Chibs to finally morph into Tully.

The look of hope on Chibs' face fades and is replaced with an expression of concern. Again, Juice is confused. This is such a nice dream, the second nice dream in such a short time, and it doesn't make any sense. Why does dream-Chibs seem to care so much for him?

Juice finishes the sandwich and places the paper plate on the nightstand next to the glass of water. He then grabs the glass and takes a drink before setting it back down. He feels strangely satisfied now that he's eaten, and the sandwich had tasted surprisingly good for dream-food. He decides to push his luck and speak.

"Why are you here?" his voice sounds strange to his ears, like he hasn't spoken in a long time.

"What do ye mean, lad?"

It looks like Chibs is holding back words, almost as if he's holding back some sort of excitement at hearing him speak. Juice frowns, "Why are you in my dream?"

Chibs' face falls, "This isn't a dream, Juicey." Chibs slowly holds out his hand and Juice eyes it cautiously. "I promise ye, Juicey. This is real. Yer safe." He gently places his palm against Juice's shoulder.

Juice flinches at the touch. His heart is beginning to pound in his chest, and he doesn't like the strangely familiar weight of Chibs' hand on him. He knows any second Chibs is going to change into Tully. Why else would he be touching him?

Juice's eyes roll back again, and he shivers, his body shaking nervously at everything he expects to happen. "Please, no," he whispers.

Chibs withdraws his hand as if burned. He can tell he’s beginning to lose him again.

"Please go away," Juice whimpers.

Tears begin to fall as Chibs leans in and places a soft, whiskery kiss against Juice’s tear-stained cheek. "I'm going to find a way to show ye this is real, Juicey boy," he whispers, and then Chibs leaves the room.

Juice silently watches him go, and then, ever-so-slowly, his hand comes up to lightly touch where Chibs had kissed him.


	5. I Want to Throw Up Snakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here beams the beacon of hope.

**Chapter Five**

“I Want to Throw Up Snakes”

Chibs still can't draw conversation from Juice, but he has at least been able to get Juice to eat and even, finally, go to the bathroom without being carried. Three days have passed since he and Tig brought Juice home, and Juice lives in Chibs' bedroom. Chibs has been sleeping on the couch in the living room, and every few hours he goes in to check on the boy to make sure Juice is still alive. Each time he enters the room, the expression on Juice's face reveals confusion. It's as if he's waiting for something to happen, but he's confused because whatever it is hasn't happened yet.

For the second time that day, Chibs stands in his kitchen preparing a lunchmeat sandwich and hoping Juice will continue eating. He slathers some organic mustard - Juice's favorite - over the cold deli meat and tops it off with some lettuce and a slice of tomato. He'd gone grocery shopping the day before and had try to find things he remembered Juice frequently keeping stocked in his own fridge. Even though Juice won't talk to him and still seems uncomfortable in his presence, he does seem happier when presented things he enjoys - hence the food.

Chibs places the package of lunchmeat back into the refrigerator, then grabs the sandwich and a glass of water to take back to Juice. When he enters his bedroom, Juice is stepping out of the bathroom and making his way back to the bed. Juice freezes when he sees him, and Chibs has to pause to keep from scaring him.

"It's okay, lad. I've just brought yer food."

Juice watches him suspiciously. He doesn't take his eyes off Chibs as he climbs back into bed.

Chibs stares silently around the room. The bedroom appears just as he'd left it, but upon closer inspection he can see small details have changed. Clothes he'd left on the floor seem to have moved an inch or two, books on his shelf are sticking out a little farther than usual, and things on his dresser have been tilted as if they were lifted, then replaced. It's as if Juice has been rifling around his room inspecting things. Most specifically is the picture of he and Juice sitting on the dresser. It's from the summer before the Club had gone to Belfast to look for Abel. He and Juice are sitting at the bar in the old clubhouse at Teller-Morrow with smiles adorning their faces. One of the croweaters had snapped the picture and had shown it to Chibs, thinking he’d like it. He'd asked for her to print out the picture and then he’d had it framed. Only recently had he found it tucked away in one of the drawers. He'd placed it on the dresser, and it seems like Juice has now stared at it many times based on how far it's moved from its original place.

Chibs walks over and sets the sandwich on the nightstand next to Juice as has become routine. He knows he will be able to retrieve the empty plate and glass later, but for now, he doesn't want to bother the boy. Juice still doesn't remove his eyes from the older man, and he watches him closely as Chibs backs out of the room.

After closing the door quietly behind him, Chibs heads back into the living room. He'd cleaned up the broken glass from the beer bottle and gotten as much of the beer stain out of the couch cushion as he could manage. The couch is now covered in a spare blanket, and a thin pillow is resting against one of the armrests. Chibs sinks down onto the couch with a sigh.

It's midafternoon on this third day of Juice being home and he's still no closer to figuring out how to convince Juice he's free and safe. Feelings of guilt are beginning to plague him again, and he's afraid he's too late in saving the boy. Last night he'd cracked open a bottle of scotch, but he hadn't been able to drink much before he fell asleep against the couch. All he can think is how scared Juice looks every time Chibs enters the room, and he doesn't know how to break the fear just long enough to talk to him.

Chibs flips on the television and surfs through channels until he lands on the Disney Channel. A show called _Good Luck Charlie_ is playing, and he decides to let the TV stop there on something family-friendly rather than watching something violent or dramatic. _Good Luck Charlie_ turns out to be not all that bad. It's definitely family oriented, and though the blonde girl named Teddy and her brother, P.J., argue a lot during the episode, they end up making up well enough by the end. Teddy then creates a video for Charlie about how family has to stick together. It's a basic lesson on friendship and family loyalty, but the episode suddenly strikes an idea in Chibs' mind: what if he's not the one who tries to talk to Juice?

The Sons of Anarchy had always been a family. They were a motorcycle club on the surface, but everyone treated each other as brothers. For people like Juice, the Sons had been his only family. Chibs and the rest of the guys had been like brothers, Gemma a second mother, and even later Tara and Wendy like sisters to Juice. When the Club had begun to dissolve, Juice's own world had begun to crumble, and once the Club abandoned him completely, Juice was entirely lost. 

But what if that world slowly began to be put back together, piece by piece?

It will be difficult, Chibs realizes, as most of that life is dead and buried in a very literal sense. Plus, most of the Sons, aside from Tig, made it very clear that they want nothing to do with Juice now that he's out of prison. They agreed he could return to the Club from prison, but as far as participating in Club activities and interacting with the other members, he was to be left out. They considered him an inconvenience, and most still were uncomfortable with him being alive. Yet, what if he could slowly bring them all back together?

Juice always looks at Chibs as if he's waiting for something to happen, and Chibs wonders if some nightmares in prison had taken the form of him. He and Juice had been close, so it was very possible his dreams had tried to use him to cope, but with everything going on, Chibs could see those dreams turning sour. It would make sense, then, for Juice to be scared of Chibs since he still seems to think he's dreaming. What would happen, though, if another member of the Sons of Anarchy came to see Juice? Would he still think he was dreaming?

Ideas are flowing through Chibs’ mind, and he pulls out his cell to give Tig a call. Tig hadn't been by since he helped Chibs bring Juice home, and even though Tig is still just as weary as the rest of the Sons about Juice, he thinks Tig might still come around. Tig had always been Chibs’ other best friend, aside from Juice, and therefore he's more willing to help Chibs in these uncomfortable situations.

The phone begins to ring, and after about twenty seconds, Tig finally answers. Chibs explains his idea, and Tig, though reluctantly, agrees to stop by that evening. Chibs thanks him and hangs up the phone.

At about six o'clock, someone knocks on the door and Chibs hollers for Tig to come on inside. The TV is still on the Disney Channel in the background, and Tig raises his eyebrows towards the screen. "You reverting to childhood?" he jokes.

"Forgot it was on," Chibs answers truthfully. In reality, he'd been anxiously awaiting Tig to arrive. A feeling has settled in the pit of his stomach, and he's ready to give his idea a try. If this doesn't work, he's back to square one.

"He still in your room?"

Chibs nods, "Aye."

Tig turns to head down the hall, and Chibs remains seated on the couch. He'd decided not to follow Tig into the room because he doesn't want Juice to see him and get scared. It's better if Tig goes in alone.

 

The door to the bedroom opens, and Juice turns to stare apprehensively at it. Dream-Chibs had been kindly bringing him food for what felt like a few days, and he doesn't understand the kindness. Plus, he wonders why his dream seems so unnaturally long. Dreams usually go by fast, but this time has felt like literal days. Plus, this dream is so life-like. He'd shuffled through Chibs' dream-bedroom more than once, and the clothes and other items feel so real in his hands. He'd found everything from gum to pocket lint in Chibs' pants pockets, had been able to read the words inside every book, and had even noticed a picture of he and Chibs on the dresser. He only faintly remembers that picture being taken, and he finds it odd for it to have appeared in his dream. How did his mind even remember it?

When the door is all the way open, Juice grabs the blankets tightly, sure this will be the time Tully steps through and not Chibs. His eyes widen in shock when the person that walks through is neither.

"Tig!" he can't help but exclaim out loud.

"Yep," Tig answers seriously.

Juice stares at him in a mixture of horror and amazement. Never, in all the time he's been at prison, has he dreamed about Tig. It's always either Tully, Chibs, or memories of how he'd failed the Club. Tig had _never_ appeared individually on his own. What is his mind doing?

Tig glances over at the paper plate and empty glass of water. "It's good you've been eating. You're looking a little too thin."

The conversation is so casual, and Juice is still in shock. Why is Tig here? Where is Tully?

"You need to go outside though. Get some fresh air. You can't stay in here forever," Tig continues.

 _Huh?_ What does he mean go outside? This is a dream.

Tig is still talking, "Chibs is really worried about you. He says you still won't talk to him."

"What are you talking about?" Juice finally asks. Since dream-Tig is so talkative, he figures he might as well play along.

Tig frowns at him, "Kid, he wants nothing more than to see you happy and well. He made it possible for you to leave that damn prison, and all you've done to repay him is camp out in his bedroom. Did you even say thank you?"

"What?" Juice's head is beginning to hurt. He raises his hands to massage his head and feels the stubble of hair beneath his fingertips. Does hair grown in dreams? His head should still be shaved...?

"What do you mean, 'what?' What part of that did you not understand?"

Juice's head is really hurting him. This doesn't make any sense. What does Tig mean 'Chibs had him removed?' This is a dream, isn't it?

"When are you going to realize he doesn’t want to hurt you?"

"STOP!" Juice shouts and Tig freezes. He's decided this is his mind's new way of messing with him. He should have expected the other Sons to make appearances at some point in his dream, and since Tig was one of the other members he and Chibs were close to, it makes sense. Soon, Tig will just change into Tully like Chibs will. He glares at Tig. He doesn't want to deal with this. He just wants it all to end. "Go away."

Tig frowns and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "You're not dreaming, kid. Figure it out!" He turns and steps out of the room, letting the door slam behind him.

Juice stares after him. The loud slam of the door had made him flinch, and he can't believe it didn't wake him. _You're not dreaming, kid._ What does that _mean?_

 

"You're right," Tig tells Chibs as he plops down on the couch next to the Scotsman. "This is going to be difficult."

"What did he yell for?" Chibs asks worriedly.

"Nothing bad, he just told me to stop talking. He was acting like his head was hurting him cause he kept rubbing it. I think he's confused."

"It's because he thinks he's dreamin’, but none of it checks out. I can tell he's been going through me stuff. I'm sure it's confusing to him how real it all seems."

Tig nods, "Yeah, he's definitely unsure of what's going on."

The two men sit back against the couch in silence. Tig had thought taking a direct approach at speaking to Juice would be the most beneficial, and it had seemed like it worked in the beginning. Juice had spoken to him from the start and had seemed like his normal self despite the confusion, but it didn't last long. Still, at least he wasn't simply sitting in silence.

"At least he talks now," adds Tig thoughtfully.

"Aye, 'cept he only yells at me."

"What if you and I go in at once?"

Chibs shakes his head, "Whenever I'm in the room, he goes nuts. Ye should see him stare at me. It's like he thinks I'm going to rip his head off."

"What if another Club member went in with me?"

"Who? I thought the rest of the Club wanted nothin' to do with him?"

Another frown crosses Tig's face and he ponders who he might be able to drag in to see Juice. He's sure T.O. would probably go, but he, Quinn, and Montez don't know Juice all that well, so he doubts they would make much of an impact. Rat won't speak of Juice, and Happy...well, Happy would be the best choice since he's known Juice just as long as they have, but Hap made it very clear his opinion on Juice.

"Do you think we could talk Happy into coming here?"

Chibs can't help but laugh, "Right." But then he sees the serious expression on Tig's face, "Wait, yer serious?"

Tig shrugs, "He's the only other one who might be able to draw a response from him."

Chibs shakes his head, but he can't help but consider his words. Finally, he speaks. "Can't hurt to try."

xxx

It takes a week for Chibs and Tig to persuade Happy to come speak to Juice.

Tig had gone to Happy first and made a small comment about Juice's well-being. Happy had only grunted in response and implied that whatever the boy felt like, he deserved. Tig had left it at that, and had chosen not to bother Happy on the matter the entire rest of the day.

The next day, Chibs had mentioned to Happy in passing that Juice was still lost in his head. He said that Juice seemed broken inside and that losing the Club really hurt him. Again, Happy grunted and said Juice 'got what he deserved.'

Chibs and Tig waited two days before bringing Juice up again. They waiting until the Sons had left the clubhouse and it was only the two of them and Happy remaining, then brought up the idea that Happy should come see Juice - if only to see what the boy is now like. Happy had glared at them and asked them why he'd want to do that. They responded because Juice is his brother, and that family needs to stick together. Happy had scoffed at the idea, but he hadn't said a word.

On the fifth day, Tig told Happy about how he had gone to see Juice several days earlier and that Juice thought he was in a dream. Tig casually told him how Juice was literally eating, going to the bathroom in Chibs' house, and walking around the bedroom like he owned the place, yet he still couldn't grasp the fact that he wasn't in a dream. Somehow, he'd rationalized everything. Happy seemed interested and wondered aloud how someone could trick themselves into believing they were dreaming so long.

The sixth day came and passed and Chibs made sure to tell Tig loudly in front of Happy that Juice was now entertaining himself with the books he found in Chibs' room even though he still thought he was in a dream. Chibs and Tig joked that Juice really had himself confused, and that it must be odd for the boy to be growing obviously bored within a dream. Then they'd glanced over at Happy and noticed the normally expressionless man listening to their conversation curiously.

Finally, on the seventh day, a week since they'd decided to tempt Happy to see Juice, Happy had come up to Chibs after a Chapel meeting.

"Does the kid still think he's dreaming?" he grumbles.

"Aye," Chibs answers.

"I want to see."

Chibs nods, trying to contain his excitement at having reeled Happy in. "When?" he replies carefully.

"Now."

Again, Chibs nods. "Alright. Tig will come too."

Chibs motions for Tig to follow them, and the three men lock up the store and climb onto their motorcycles. It's a short ride to Chibs' house, and Happy still seems oddly curious when they step inside.

"Down the hall," says Chibs, motioning towards the back bedroom. 

Happy nods and starts off down the hallway.

 

Juice is reading a book when the bedroom door opens. The book is surprisingly vivid for a dream, and he keeps expecting to find a blank page because his dream can't find the words. So far, no blank pages have appeared.

When the door opens, he slowly closes the book and places it gently down on the bed. Dream-Chibs has been bringing him food periodically throughout each day, and despite the constant battle in his head of wondering when Chibs will change into Tully, he's beginning to look forward to seeing his old best friend each time he appears. Dream-Chibs has been nothing but kind to him, and Juice is content to live in this dream world until he surely passes away within the real world of his cell.

That's when alarm bells ring fiercely throughout his head when suddenly it's not Chibs walking through the door but Happy and Tig.

Juice's eyes go wide and he shrinks back in the bed. "What?" he gasps.

Happy steps forward, but Tig pauses in the doorway. Happy looks around the room, eyeing the misplaced items and the general disarray of the bedroom, and then he stares back at Juice, "I thought you liked things clean?"

 _What is happening?_ Juice's head is pounding and his eyes are beginning to go blurry. _What is going on?_ Happy has always scared him. There's no way his mind would have inserted him into the Chibs-dream-world, and the Tacoma Killer is already scary enough without the added fear of him potentially morphing into Tully. It doesn't make sense for him to be here.

"No," Juice whispers. "This is a dream. It has to be a dream." His head hurts. This doesn't make sense. _This doesn't make sense._

"The fuck, kid? Are you that delusional?" Happy's blunt attitude is all too real.

Juice stares from Happy to Tig. Happy is staring at him as if he thinks he's lost his mind, and the expression creasing Tig's face is that of curious concern. Juice stares around the room. The details, the features of everything inside are crisp, _real_. The books he's been reading, the pictures he's stared at...the familiar scent that still lingers in Chibs' bed. How can he dream with such clarity?

His head hurts. He feels like he's going to be sick.

"You're not dreaming, kid," Happy tells him.

"He's right," Tig adds over by the door frame. "This is real."

"No," Juice whispers again. "No. It can't be." He's holding his head in his hands and tears are beginning to form in the corner of his eyes. Any second he's going to wake up in his cell and Tully is going to be beside him.

Chibs appears in the doorway next to Tig, and Juice's heart seems to stop. His chest feels tight and it's becoming hard to breathe. He feels his eyes begin to roll back in his head as the pain begins to take hold. It feels as if he's going to pass out, and he doesn't understand how it's possible. How _any_ of this is possible.

A sharp slap echoes in the room as Happy's hand finds its mark across Juice's face. "Snap out of it, kid! You're not fucking dreaming!"

Juice stares up at Happy with wide, terrified eyes. His cheek burns; it feels like he was hit by a truck. His head is suddenly very clear.

_Oh my god._

Juice rushes to the bathroom and throws open the lid of the toilet and retches the entire contents of his stomach into the bowl.

_He's not dreaming. This is real. He's in Chibs' house and this is real._

Drool and vomit are dribbling down his chin and tears flow down his cheeks as he begins to sob. A pair of strong hands wrap around him from behind, and he's pulled against a man's warm chest.

"I've got ye, Juicey," Chibs' thick Scottish accent breathes in his ear. "I've got ye."


	6. Do I Have to Die to See the Other Side?

**Chapter Six**

“Do I Have to Die to See the Other Side?”

Chibs hugs Juice on the bathroom floor for a long time. Suddenly it's all very real, and Juice is warm in his arms. He can't bring himself to let go. He doesn't care they're in a bathroom and doesn't care the state Juice is in; he loves that he can finally hold him. Juice is pressed tight against his chest, and he's buried his face in Chibs' shirt. When Tig pokes his head into the room and tells him that he and Happy are going to be leaving, Chibs hardly pays him any attention. He faintly hears the front door open and close in the distance, but his mind is focused solely on the boy in his arms.

Juice is a mess. His eyes are swollen from tears, while spit and vomit have dribbled down his chin and onto his and Chibs' clothes. Chibs doesn't mind; he holds Juice tight, and Juice clings to him. "Yer okay now, yeah?" he murmurs, "Ye know it's me?"

Juice nods against his chest but doesn't say a word. He's still confused, but he no longer believes he's in a dream. Somehow, he'd gotten out of the prison and ended up in Chibs' home. Somehow, he'd ended up in Chibs' arms.

Time passes, and finally Chibs says softly, "Let's get ye cleaned up, huh?" He brushes the tears from Juice's cheeks. "Get ye a shower. We'll talk after." He doesn't want to let Juice go, but he knows the boy needs to clean himself and probably needs a little time to come to terms with everything. "I'll be in the living room, okay?"

Again, Juice nods and Chibs untangles himself from the boy. He stands and flushes the puke-filled toilet, then rummages through the bathroom closet to find Juice a clean towel and wash rag. He hands them out to Juice, then leaves the bathroom. Silently, he changes his own shirt, then goes in to wait in the living room. Minutes pass before Chibs finally hears the shower begin running and he lets out a sigh of relief from his spot on the couch. He was afraid Juice was still too out of it to shower and take care of himself, but hearing the shower means Juice is listening to his words. He flips on the TV for background noise and waits.

Forty-five minutes pass and worry begins to settle in again when Chibs finally hears the shower turn off. He finds himself staring off down the hall, waiting for Juice to appear. When Juice finally does slowly step out into the hallway, he's in a fresh set of clothes - a pair of baggy grey sweatpants and black hooded sweatshirt. Juice had shaved, and his head is now also clean of stubble except for his customary mohawk. The tribal tattoos on either side of his head are fully visible, and aside from looking entirely too thin, Juice looks nearly back to normal. Chibs can't help but smile.

Juice settles into the chair across from the couch, and he stares at Chibs uncertainly. "What's going on?" he finally asks.

"Yer free, Juicey boy."

"How?" the tone of Juice's voice shows he doesn't fully believe him.

Chibs explains how he'd gone to the Club to vote to have him removed from prison, how the prison had agreed to have him released, and that Juice has been living in his bedroom for the past almost week and a half. He doesn't tell him his reasoning behind wanting him removed from prison. He's not ready to let Juice know how he truly feels, especially because he is sure Juice will never feel the same way. Besides, Juice only just realized he wasn't dreaming. He isn't ready to hear such powerful declarations of feelings.

Juice listens to him quietly. He's fidgeting in the chair, and he can't seem to figure out what to do with his hands. He folds and unfolds his fingers, taps them against the armrest of the chair, then finally settles on shoving them in his sweatshirt pockets. His eyes flick this way and that, and Chibs notices he tends to jump when something particularly loud happens on the mostly silent television. Chibs reaches over and turns the TV off, and Juice settles slightly.

When Chibs is done speaking, Juice remains quiet as if contemplating his words. For so long he has wanted nothing more than to be back in Chibs' presence, but now that he's finally here, he can't help but feel like it's all a trick. Jax had promised him death, and the remaining Sons had agreed Juice was dead. How could Chibs have gotten him released? A thought crosses his mind and he realizes it's surely because the Club plans to kill him themselves. It makes sense. He had wronged them, not the prison. Why shouldn't the Club be the one to kill him?

"So when do I die?" he asks, his voice flat.

"What?" Chibs eyes go wide, "What do ye mean, lad?"

"You're going to kill me, right? That's why I'm here?" He stands from the chair and holds out his arms as if opening himself to whatever harm Chibs has planned. "Just do it then, please. I'm ready to go."

Chibs stares at him openmouthed and utterly confused. "What are ye talking about, Juicey? I'm not goin' to kill ya."

"Who then? Happy? Is that why he was here?" He stares around the room as if expecting Happy to appear. "Is that why he wanted me to know I wasn't dreaming? So I'd know I was about to die?"

"Jesus, lad, NO!"

Juice sinks back into the chair and rests his head in his hands. "I'm so confused," he says softly.

"Juice, listen to me. Yer not going to die. You're _safe_."

"No." The word is silent, and Chibs almost doesn't hear it. Juice turns his head to meet Chibs' eyes. "The Club gave up on me long ago." Again he stands from the chair, but this time he starts heading back to Chibs' bedroom. He pauses, staring over his shoulder, "I'm ready to die, Chibs. Just get it over with." He steps into Chibs' room and closes the door.

Chibs stares wordlessly after him. He wants to go after him, wants to feel Juice wrapped safe in his arms again, but he knows he has to give Juice a chance to process everything. For so long the boy has been shut within his own mind, and now that the flood gates have burst open, he's sure Juice is a mess within his own head. Juice needs to heal, and he needs to see that no one plans to step in and harm him. For that, time is the master of healing, and Chibs knows as long as Juice will allow him, he will be there every step of the way.

 

Day has settled into evening, and Chibs is rifling through the pages of a motorcycle magazine in the living room. He'd spent the remainder of the day forcing himself not to go to Juice and had wasted many hours watching TV, making dinner, contemplating the Club, and browsing through the magazine. He wishes there was some way he could show Juice that everything is okay again, but he knows it will never be that easy. He gave up the chance of easily proving to Juice he means no harm the day he told the boy to put the gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

The bedroom door opens and closes down the hall and Juice steps slowly out into the hallway. Chibs can't help himself; he's turned to meet Juice's eyes before he fully realizes what he's doing. Juice stares nervously back at him and doesn't say a word. Silently, he passes past Chibs and heads into the kitchen. Chibs frowns, wondering what Juice is doing, when he hears a cabinet open.

Juice is hungry.

Chibs tries to read the magazine as he hears Juice shuffling around in the kitchen but he can't seem to focus on the words. Instead, he listens as the bag of bread is lifted from the cabinet, hears the ruffle of plastic as Juice pulls a slice or two from inside. Another cabinet opens and closes, and then the refrigerator opens and closes as well. He hears the sound of a plastic container being set on the counter, and then another thing, what sounds like the glass of a jelly jar, also is set on the countertop. A drawer opens and Chibs hears Juice grab some silverware to spread what he assumes is peanut butter and jelly onto the bread.

The sound of Juice making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his kitchen is so natural, so _normal_ , yet a wave of emotion washes over Chibs. He's hit with all the times that Juice had come to his house to hang out, to spend the night, and Juice had always felt so at home in his house. He remembers how Juice would casually walk around as if he owned the place, would go into the kitchen to make food without asking if it was alright, would even attempt to make them dinner sometimes when they knew he'd end up spending the night. This house practically became his second home, and now it's suddenly as if the old Juice is back inside it.

Chibs listens as the cabinets reopen and Juice returns the bread and jars to their proper places. The light flickers off in the kitchen, and then Juice is stepping past him in the living room again. The boy pauses in the hall, and Chibs can see, sure enough, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a paper plate in his hands.

Juice studies Chibs as if trying to gauge his reaction. It almost seems normal, but Chibs notices the plate shaking slightly as Juice's fingers tremble like he's afraid.

He wants to go to him, but he can't. He wants to whisper to Juice that everything is okay and that he doesn't have to be scared anymore. No one is ever going to hurt him again.

"Goodnight, Juicey," Chibs says quietly.

Juice doesn't speak. He holds the plate tighter and moves down the hall. Then, with his hand on the doorknob, he whispers almost inaudibly, "Goodnight."

xxx

Days pass, and Chibs knows he has to return to normal life. He's still the President of the Sons of Anarchy, and he can't ignore his duties. Juice shuffles around in Chibs' bedroom while Chibs is home, and the house always has a feel of being lived in when Chibs returns home from a day with the Club or taking care of other business. One day, after a day-long trip with Tig and Happy to one of the other Charters, he comes home to find a paper plate and empty glass sitting on the end table at the side of the couch. He smiles, knowing Juice had been in the living room watching TV while he was away.

Juice becomes braver, and he soon begins venturing out into the living room and kitchen while Chibs is home. One day, he comes into the living room and takes a seat in the chair while Chibs is watching a rerun of _Two and a Half Men_. Juice doesn't speak, but Chibs notices a faint smile cross Juice's face when Berta says something particularly funny to Charlie and Allen. The episode finishes playing and _The Big Bang Theory_ follows. Juice watches that too, and when it ends, he glances over at Chibs then heads back to the bedroom.

A couple days later, Juice quietly asks Chibs if he'll bring him some more clothes and other things from his house. Chibs asks him if he'd like to come along too, but Juice doesn't speak, so Chibs goes on his own to retrieve some of Juice's things. Juice's house looks just as he'd left it, and it's as if the boy had never been gone. Chibs has to take a moment to pull himself together. The house seems frozen in time and he wishes he could stay there and pretend everything was still okay. But he can't, so he grabs what Juice had asked for and brings them home. Juice silently thanks him, and then returns to the bedroom.

After two weeks pass, it's beginning to feel almost normal. He and Juice mostly still don't speak, but Juice can usually be found lounging around his house. The boy still hasn't gone outside, but he seems fine occupying himself with the things lying around Chibs' home. He’s a welcome presence, and even though Chibs wishes he could talk to the boy, joke with him and tease him just like old times, he’s still happy Juice is there. Slowly, he feels the guilt of everything that had happened ebbing away.

Still, the nights are the hardest.

Juice tries to hold himself together when he's walking around Chibs' home, but there's nothing he can do stop the nightmares that come to him at night. Chibs can hear him crying in his sleep, and sometimes he hears Juice wake with a scream towards an unseen demon.

Sometimes he hears the word Tully roll from Juice's panicked, sobbing lips, and he wants to bring death to the world.

After a month has passed, Chibs decides to enter Juice's bedroom - for that's what he's begun to call it as it doesn't feel like his own anymore - and talk to Juice about the ongoing nightmares. It's a little past noon, and Juice is sitting up in bed reading a book. Juice passes a lot of time reading, and he's become a regular bookworm. He doesn't flinch when Chibs enters the room, but he does put the book down slowly as if he knows an important conversation is about to take place.

Chibs slowly walks over and takes a seat on the edge of the bed. Again, Juice doesn't flinch, but his body does tense. "Juicey," Chibs says softly.

"Hmmm," Juice mumbles.

"I see yer making yourself comfortable," Chibs smiles, trying to make Juice feel more comfortable. He nods towards Juice's things around the room. "Ya doing okay?"

"Hmmm," Juice mumbles again. Chibs takes it as a yes.

"Good, that's good." Chibs pauses, and notices that Juice no longer appears tense, but instead seems to be resting comfortably against the headboard. He hopes this is a good sign. "Are ye ever going to talk to me?"

"I do," Juice whispers.

"No, not short little things, Juicey. Like how we used to?"

Juice shrugs. He's come to terms with the fact that it doesn't appear as if Chibs or the Club plans to kill him, but he feels so out of place in this world. How is he supposed to go from someone condemned to death to feeling cared for again? He still doesn't understand why Chibs saved him, and he especially doesn't know why Chibs has welcomed him so kindly into his home. He missed Chibs more than anything, and he's so afraid of messing things up again.

"What do I have to do to get ye to understand no one is going to hurt ye?"

"I know you're not going to," Juice answers faintly. This is the first time he's admitted this realization out loud.

"Then why... I hear the nightmares, Juicey boy. I hear ye wake up screaming." Juice has tensed again, but Chibs knows he has to talk about this. How else will Juice truly heal? "I hear ye say his name."

Juice's face pales. His eyes go blank, and he seems suddenly lost in time.

Chibs panics, "No..." He reaches out and grabs Juice's shoulders, "No, lad, please. Not again." He shakes Juice, trying to bring him back to the present, "Please, Juicey. I can't lose ye again."

A sob escapes his lips as his trembling hands hang on to Juice. Juice is gone, lost within his mind, and the boy doesn't seem to hear him. He hates himself for bringing up that damned man. Tully is going to die, and Chibs plans to kill him with his own hands.

But then Juice's eyes suddenly blink, and the light seems to return to the boy. His face regains its color, and he stares at Chibs in front of him. He watches Chibs cry, and he suddenly feels a pang of emotion in his chest. _Could Chibs really care?_

"Chibs?" he says weakly.

Chibs stares up at him with tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers, "I won't mention him again." He lets go of Juice and steps away from the bed. "I'm sorry," he whispers again and then leaves the bedroom.

In his kitchen, Chibs finds himself reaching towards the back of the cabinet for an unopened bottle of Scotch. He hasn't drank hard liquor in weeks, but today he plans to drown himself in it. He pours himself a glass, downs half of it in one gulp, then refills. He then grabs the bottle and takes it and the glass into the living room. He settles into the couch and prepares for a long day and night. He figures the bottle will be nearly gone by the time night falls, and he hopes by then he'll have forgotten the dead look in Juice's eyes when he'd mentioned the nightmares and Tully. He can't stand the thought of losing Juice again.

 _I'll kill myself_ , he thinks as he takes another drink. _I'll try to hang myself, just like he did._ But he knows if he tries, he will actually succeed.

He cares for Juice more than anything in the world, and the thought of losing him is like death itself. He'd only have to make it final.

xxx

Seeing Chibs cry had been something like a lightbulb flickering to life in Juice's mind. Chibs had never shown that type of emotion to him before, and the thought of Chibs crying over him had awakened some hidden knowledge within him. It was as if Chibs truly cared for him, as if he really would be devastated at losing him. All Juice had ever wanted was someone to care for him like that, and he'd always secretly hoped it would somehow be Chibs. Seeing the older man's reaction has given him hope.

Juice passes the day away reading and doing a crossword puzzle Chibs had bought him. He tries not to think about Tully and the nightmares Chibs had mentioned. Chibs had been right: he does still dream about Tully and being stuck in prison almost every night, and at the moment, Juice doesn't know if there's anything he can do about it. He hates the nightmares, but he knows at least when he wakes he no longer has to be part of them.

When night has fallen and the moon begins shining through the curtains of his bedroom window, Juice feels his stomach rumble. He gets up to head into the kitchen, but when he reaches the living room, he notices Chibs sitting lazily against the couch. The TV is on, and a class of Scotch is in his hand. The bottle of Johnnie Walker is three-fourths of the way gone on the end table next to him.

"Chibs?" Juice speaks, and the older man turns to stare at him. A smile breaks out across his face.

"Juicey!" he grins.

"You're drunk," Juice tells him, eyes darting towards the glass.

"Aye."

Juice frowns and moves into the kitchen. He fixes himself a bowl of cereal and sits at the kitchen table to eat. Once he's finished, he rinses out the bowl and goes to head back to the living room when Chibs says his name. He turns to stare at Chibs, and Chibs holds up his drink.

"'ave a glass with me."

Again, Juice frowns, "I don't like Scotch, and you've nearly drank it all anyway."

Chibs shrugs, drunken grin still covering his face, "There's some Captain in the cabinet. 'elp yerself."

A fierce debate takes place within Juice's mind. He still isn't fully comfortable being around Chibs and especially not drunk Chibs. But he also can't shake the image of Chibs crying earlier, and again the thought crosses his mind that Chibs really does care.

Finally, after much inner consideration, Juice caves and goes to retrieve the rum from the cabinet. He grabs a glass and carries them both back into the living room.

Chibs pats the couch next to him, "'ere, Juicey." Juice tenses, but he slowly takes a seat next to the drunken Scotsman. "Pour ye drink, lad." He grabs the bottle from Juice and sloppily pours some rum into the empty glass. Amber liquid drips down the sides, and Chibs takes a drink before handing the glass back to Juice. "Enjoy," he smiles.

Juice tentatively takes a sip. The rum briefly burns his throat, but he enjoys the almost sweet aftertaste. It's been a long time since he's had a drink, and the rum suddenly doesn't seem all that bad. He takes another sip, which then turns into another, and soon his glass is empty and his insides have begun to feel warm. He pours himself another glass while Chibs finishes off the bottle of Scotch, and the two of them sit back to silently watch the TV together.

As the rum flows, so do the words begin to spill from Juice's lips. He and Chibs begin sharing the glass, and as the night continues - and the loser Juice feels - he finds himself opening up again to his old best friend. They begin chatting about different things they used to enjoy: motorcycles, movies they used to watch, good memories they share. Juice even asks about the Club and how it's going.

"It's good, Juicey," Chibs tells him, "We're better now. Everythin’s mostly legal."

"That's good."

Juice finishes off the glass and glances over at the bottle of rum. They'd already polished off half the bottle, and he's feeling pretty lightheaded since it's been so long since he's drank. Chibs is definitely drunk. The Scot had been drinking all day, and the additional rum hasn't allowed him to sober up. Chibs is staring at him, and under the haze of alcohol, Juice feels a little uncomfortable. There's something different in his eyes, and Juice can't figure out what it is.

"Juicey?" The older man's voice is slurred and has gone oddly soft.

"Yeah?"

"Please don't ever leave me."

"I'm not...what?" Juice isn't buzzed enough to blindly go along with what Chibs is saying.

"Don't ever leave me, lad. I can't...I need ye around, Juicey."

There's something different, something much different in his voice, and Juice wonders what Chibs means. The older man seems almost upset at the thought of him leaving, and Juice doesn't understand. Why is Chibs saying these things?

"I'm not going to leave the Club," Juice tells him.

"No," Chibs reaches out and Juice thinks he's reaching for the glass, but instead he places his hand on Juice's arm. "Ye don't understand. _You_ , don't ever leave, _me_."

"I..." Chibs' eyes are filled with sadness, and Juice realizes Chibs is afraid he will lose him. Juice wonders if this might have to do with why Chibs had him removed from prison, and he suddenly feels hopeful. Does Chibs care for him more than he'd ever realized? Or is it simply the alcohol talking?

"Yer my everythin' Juicey."

Chibs' voice is filled with sad sincerity. His eyes are glazed over from either the alcohol or unshed tears, and Juice isn't sure what to say. He decides words aren't needed, and the alcohol in his own body has loosened him up enough to feel comfortable with being close to Chibs.

"Let's go to sleep," he whispers, and Chibs nods his head.

Chibs leans back against the thin pillow propped up on the armrest, and Juice settles against his side, pressing his head into Chibs' warm chest. Chibs wraps his arms around Juice, and Juice reaches up to pull the spare blanket over them. Chibs' breathing slows, and Juice can tell he's quickly falling asleep. A small smile crosses Juice's lips, and he presses up against Chibs' warm body. He doesn't know what is going on, has no idea Chibs' true feelings outside of his drunken state, and he's still not sure if he's even comfortable being around his old friend. But something, in this moment, feels right about falling asleep at his side. Just like old times.

And for the first time in weeks, Juice doesn't dream.


	7. So Come Shake Your Zen Out

**Chapter Seven**

“So Come Shake Your Zen Out”

Chibs wakes to something warm pressed against his side. His head is pounding from all the alcohol he consumed the day before, so he's sure the warmth is simply a phantom feeling from sleeping on his side wrong. When he opens his eyes, his heart nearly stops. Juice is in his arms sleeping against his chest, and the blanket is wrapped around the two of them like a cocoon. He remembers talking to Juice last night, remembers how it had seemed almost like old times, but he doesn't remember going to sleep. How had they ended up like this?

He's scared to move because he doesn't want to wake Juice. The boy seems so peaceful in his sleep, and a faint smile is on his lips as he dreams. The moment feels perfect, and a small thought whispers across his mind about how wonderful it'd be to wake up like this every morning.

Juice stirs slightly. He gives a small yawn, then turns over and cuddles closer to Chibs. A contented sigh leaves his lips, and he nestles his head in the crook of Chibs' neck. Chibs' entire body feels like butterflies are fluttering inside him. A smile is playing across his lips, and for the first time in a long while he feels truly happy to be there. _This._ This is what feels right.

He lays there silently until Juice finally wakes. Chibs feels him stir, and then Juice turns his eyes up to meet Chibs. His eyes go wide, and a sudden horrified expression breaks out across his face. "I'm sorry!" he exclaims, trying to squirm from Chibs arms. He's afraid Chibs is mad at him, that he messed things up by letting them fall asleep next to each other.

Chibs wraps his arms tighter around Juice. "Settle down, Juicey," he breathes. "It's okay."

Juice is still staring wide-eyed up at him. He's beginning to shake, and his voice trembles. "I don't want you to hate me," he whispers. The admission feels strange against his lips, but it's the truth. Even though he's still unsure of where things are headed, he knows he still cares too much about Chibs to make the older man turn against him again.

"Trust me, lad, I can't hate you."

Juice doesn't know what that means, but he doesn't push further. His body is still shaking, and he doesn't know if he can handle laying in Chibs arms. In the old days, he'd daydreamed about this very thing, but now...he's too afraid to ruin everything.

"Ya don't have to stay." Chibs voice is sad and his eyes look hurt, but he also doesn't want to push Juice and make him feel uncomfortable. He tries not to frown as Juice detangles himself from his arms, but his eyes betray him with sorrow.

Juice can tell Chibs is hurt that he left the couch, but he doesn't know what to do. His body is still shaking, and his mind is beginning to panic. He decides to change the subject and hope he didn't mess things up anyway by getting up. "My head hurts," he says, "Do you have any Tylenol?"

Chibs nods, trying not to look too downcast. "In the medicine cabinet in the master bath. Bring me some too."

"Okay," answers Juice lightly.

When he returns, Chibs is sitting up on the couch and flipping through a motorcycle magazine. He hands Chibs the Tylenol, then takes a seat over on the chair. An awkward silence has settled between them, and neither seems to know what to say. Juice's mind wanders to what Chibs had said the night before about never leaving him, and then to what Chibs had said a little bit ago about how he couldn't hate him. Everything seems so strange and out of place. The older man used to be unreadable. He and Juice would joke and tease each other, had gotten along like the best of friends, but Juice could never tell if there could ever be more than that. Now though, it's almost like Chibs is oozing an obvious want from him, and Juice thinks surely he must be reading the man wrong.

After all, Juice has wanted more than friendship from Chibs for so long, and Juice knows he never gets what he wants. History has proven that time and time again. So, surely, he must be wrong, and he can't act on these emotions. He'll ruin everything and lose Chibs for good.

Suddenly, Chibs tosses the magazine down on the end table and the loud slap of paper against wood causes Juice to jump. "I'm gettin' in the shower," he tells Juice, then moves off to go to the bathroom. 

Juice stares after Chibs in silence. Chibs almost seems angry, and Juice doesn't know why. His heart sinks as fear and panic begin to wash over him. He hugs his knees up to his chest and hopes things are okay.

 

Soap and water run down Chibs body as he steps under the spray of the shower. He's unhappy, and he hadn't want to reveal his emotions to Juice. Juice had seemed so peaceful lying against him, but when he'd woken, it was as if he was afraid of hurting Chibs. Chibs hates this. He's the one who is supposed to be worried about hurting Juice, not the other way around. Juice has always been the one to want to please everyone, and this is partly what got him so deeply into trouble before. And now, with Juice in this incredibly vulnerable state, he doesn't want Juice to think he's done something wrong.

The thing is, Chibs is ready to admit his love for the boy, but he's too afraid to do it. He's afraid Juice isn't ready to hear it, and he's afraid Juice won't accept it once the words have been uttered. Plus - and this thought is a constantly unwanted, yet nagging feeling in the back of his mind - a part of him is afraid Juice will never be able to let someone truly love him.

Chibs clenches his fists and tries to hold himself together as he thinks once again of Ron Tully and how the Aryan leader had broken the boy. While the Sons had done their own fair share to damage Juice, Tully was the last piece to hurt him - and he had destroyed him. Jax had mentioned the rape that was happening in prison, but Chibs doesn't think even Jax knew the extent of pain that was put upon Juice inside. Chibs can see the way Juice panics, how he jumps at noises and can't seem to hold still. He watches as Juice seems afraid of shadows like someone might appear around every corner. It's as if Tully wasn't the only one harming him, and Chibs wonders how Juice will ever be able to let someone love him when he's so afraid of people coming close.

He wants so badly to love the boy, hold him, touch him...but he's afraid it will do more damage than good.

Chibs shuts off the water and steps out to change into a clean set of clothes. He's decided to spend the day working on his motorcycle as there were several things he'd seen in the magazine that he'd like to try out to tune up his bike. Plus, working on his bike always helps keep his mind off things, and that's something he needs at the moment.

When he walks back into the living room, Juice is hugging his knees to his chest and his eyes look like they’re near tears. He's staring up at Chibs fearfully, and for a moment Chibs feels like his heart dies inside. He realizes he shouldn't have stormed off so suddenly because surely Juice thought he'd done something wrong. Chibs puts on a smile and goes over to Juice and lightly puts his hand on Juice's arm. Juice flinches, but he doesn't remove it. Instead, Chibs keeps smiling, forcing the brave face for Juice despite the feelings of pain he holds inside.

"Hey, lad, everythin' okay?"

"Are you mad at me?"

Chibs holds the smile even though Juice's tear-filled voice tries to break him, "No. Of course not, Juicey. Promise."

Juice smiles, and he reaches up to wipe a falling tear from his cheek. "Okay. Good."

The Scot walks over and grabs the motorcycle magazine from the end table, then turns back to look at Juice. "I'm going to be out workin' on me bike. Ye can join me if ya want."

Juice gives him a small nod, and Chibs doesn't expect him to join him. Juice still hasn't been outside since his release from prison. The house seems to be his literal comfort zone, and he hasn't been willing to venture out from it yet. Still, Chibs thought he would offer, and he gives Juice another smile before heading outside.

The day is bright and sunny. The sun beams high overhead, and the air is warm around Chibs as he works. His bike is parked in the driveway and his tools are spread out on the pavement on either side of him. The motorcycle magazine is open to the page he'd been examining, and he's trying to following the instructions to modify his bike the way he has in mind. His clothes are beginning to cling to him as he works, sweat starting to cling to his back and drip down his face. He brushes his salt-and-pepper hair from his eyes, then sets back to work.

In the distance, he hears a door open and close, and he figures it's one of his neighbors leaving for the day. Then he hears footsteps walking towards him and he frowns, wondering what his neighbor could possibly want. He hasn't been _that_ loud. He's only yelled 'fuck' one or two times when something wouldn't turn the way he wanted. Well, maybe also a couple 'shites' and the occasional loud slam of tools against the pavement. Still, much better than normal.

"Can I help?"

The tool drops from Chibs' hand as he jerks back in surprise. It clangs down, narrowly missing his knee, and his head snaps up to stare at the person standing next to him. His eyes go wide, "Juicey!" A huge grin beams across Chibs lips as he takes in the sight of Juice standing before him.

Juice is standing there nervously. His hands are shoved deep in his pockets, and he stares back and forth down the road and at the surrounding houses. He looks as if he could jump and take off running any second, but Chibs doesn't care. He'd come outside!

Chibs pats the pavement next to him, "Take a seat. Ye can help me tighten this damn thing!"

Juice twitches nervously, but then he takes a seat next to Chibs. He reaches out and holds the bike still while Chibs attempts to tighten the bolt he'd accidentally loosened. They both smile when it's tight, and Chibs jokingly comments, "My old hands don't work like they used to."

"You're not _that_ old," Juice smiles at him.

"Eh, old enough," Chibs grins back.

They spend the next few hours working on the bike and chatting about other modifications Chibs would like to do. Chibs tells him how he'd eventually like to buy another bike to play with that could be more of a project bike, and Juice agrees that would be fun. When they stop for lunch, Chibs brings them out two cold beers, some quick sandwiches he'd whipped up, and some chips to snack on, and they eat out in the middle of the driveway. The fresh air feels good despite the heat, and Chibs can tell Juice seems happy to be outside.

Juice is halfway through his food when he decides to ask Chibs something that has been at the back of his mind. "What happened to my bike?"

Chibs frowns and takes a sip of beer. The Club had never pursued getting it back, and as far as he knows, it's still locked up somewhere in the police impound lot from when they'd arrested Juice. "Impound, I think," he tells him honestly.

Juice nods, having expected the answer, "Oh."

Chibs feels bad for the boy. Even though this is the first time Juice has been outside in a long time, he can tell Juice is enjoying being out working on the bike with him. Juice has always loved motorcycles, and he knows Juice will miss having one of his own to work on and ride. Chibs would gladly buy him another, but he knows Juice won't let him spend that kind of money on him, and he's sure Juice doesn't have enough saved to get another at the moment.

Of course, he could try to get the bike out of Impound, he realizes. They do still have connections in different places, and vehicles can usually be claimed for a much, much smaller fee than buying an entirely new bike. As long as the police haven't gotten rid of it, they could probably get it back. 

"Let me make a few calls," he tells Juice, and he sees the boy's face brighten. "I'll see what I can do."

 

Two days later, Tig pulls up to Chibs' house with the van. Chibs and Juice are inside eating a late lunch together, and when Chibs sees the text from Tig that he's arrived, Chibs shoots Juice a grin, "Come outside for a second."

"But we're eating," Juice says through a mouthful of chicken salad.

"We'll finish eating in a bit. Come on."

He motions for Juice to follow him outside. Juice frowns slightly, but he follows the older man anyway.

"Hey!" Tig exclaims when he sees Juice step out the front door. It's the first time he's seen Juice since he and Happy had convinced him he wasn't dreaming, and he's surprised how well Juice looks.

Juice is still frowning, and he turns to look at Chibs with raised eyebrows. Chibs only shrugs, still with a grin, and he points towards the van. "Go open the back door."

Juice tentatively steps forward. He's feeling very jumpy, and for a moment he wonders if this is all a trick, but then he looks back at Chibs' smile and he eases slightly. He walks over and slowly grasps the back handle, and pulls. "My bike!" he exclaims, a happy smile jumping across his face.

"Tig and I made a few calls," Chibs smiles as he steps forward to stand next to Juice. "Turns out Impound was wanting to free up space. Didn't cost much at all to get it released."

Juice is all smiles, and he suddenly seems like the old Juice again: infatuated with motorcycles and ready for a ride. The three of them lift it out of the van, and then Juice is all over it, scouring every inch to make sure everything is still in place and ready to go. "Can we ride?" he asks Chibs, wide eyes alight with happiness.

"What about lunch?" Chibs grins at him.

"We'll finish eating in a bit," Juice replies with an equally wide grin, echoing him from earlier. The boy is all smiles, and Chibs' heart feels warm at seeing him so happy.

"Alright, let me go get my keys," Chibs replies, while Tig tosses Juice his own keys.

Juice straddles his bike and waits impatiently for Chibs. He's ready to go, and sitting there on his bike, he suddenly feels almost normal. He doesn't feel nervous, and the only thing crossing his mind is the desire to feel the wind blowing against him as they take off down the highway. Tig tells him goodbye, clapping him happily on the shoulder, and then the older man drives away in the van. Juice taps his fingers against the handlebars, and wishes Chibs will hurry, when the front door finally reopens.

Chibs steps outside and locks up the house, then begins walking towards him. Juice immediately notices Chibs has put on his Sons of Anarchy cut, and he's holding something else aside from his keys in his hand. A flurry of emotions rushes through Juice's head when he realizes what Chibs his holding, the black leather so familiar to his eyes.

Chibs holds Juice’s cut out to him, "Thought you might like to wear it."

Juice stares nervously at the leather. He never dreamed he'd wear the cut again, and the simple vest of leather brings so many emotions to him. All of his past mistakes and everything that had happened to him revolves around everything that piece of leather symbolizes. His eyes seek out the different patches, the familiarity bringing both comfort and pain. He thinks of the members who had died wearing that leather, some of them a direct result from something he did. His eyes darken at the horrors he'd caused, and a small sigh of pain escapes his lips.

But the leather also brings happy memories. He suddenly remembers the celebration of when he'd been patched in as a full member. He thinks of his brothers, his _family_ , and how they had cared for him. He remembers the fun runs, the parties with other charters, and the feeling of belonging to something. He thinks of how the Club had brought him Chibs and how, in him, he'd gained a friend for life who seems to want to do anything for him.

A small smile crosses Juice's lips, and he reaches out to take the leather from Chibs' hands. "Thank you," he whispers, and Chibs knows the words run deeper than thanks for bringing him the leather.

Juice slowly pulls the cut on, feels the familiar weight of it over his shirt, and he feels happy. He still has a lot to work through, but his life is beginning to feel like it's returning to normal, and for this, it feels like a welcome relief.

 

They had expected a short ride out through the desert, but the wonderful feeling of being on their bikes together again ended up pushing them to ride through the day. They'd stopped for dinner at some local diner in one of the towns outside Charming, and had ridden into the evening. Juice is all smiles, and Chibs watches happily as the boy seems himself again on the bike. He knows Juice isn't fully back to the young man he once was, but he also knows this is a great start. The return of his motorcycle so he could ride was exactly what he needed to help him recover.

It's late in the night when they finally return to Chibs' house. They park their bikes next to each other in the driveway and head inside. The warm smell of chicken salad going bad comes from the kitchen, and Juice grins over at Chibs, "We forgot the food."

Chibs laughs, "Aye."

They busy themselves in throwing away the leftover food and tidying up the kitchen. When they're done, Juice can't help but yawn and he notices the clock says it's after 1:00 a.m. Chibs notices the yawn and sees him staring at the time, and he nods towards the hall. "Go on, get to bed. We can ride some more tomorrow."

Juice doesn't move, and Chibs frowns when he sees the boy has a sudden sad expression across his face. "What's wrong, boy'o?"

Juice mumbles something he can't quite hear, but it sounds something like, 'you, bed, don't dream.'

"What did ye say, lad?"

Juice shifts uncertainly. He knows he's about to push his luck, but something in the back of his mind tells him it will be okay if he asks. He twists his fingers together nervously. "When we slept on the couch together the other day, I didn't dream. I _hate_ the dreams, Chibs. I was just wondering if you'd mind...if you'd mind sleeping in bed with me?"

Chibs' heart breaks and feels on top of the world simultaneously. He hates that Juice is still plagued by nightmares, but he'd like nothing more than to sleep next to him. He loved waking up next to Juice on the couch, and the fact that he now has the chance to do that again causes him considerable happiness. He smiles warmly at Juice. "Of course, Juicey," he tells him and watches as Juice smiles back.

"Thank you," Juice says softly, and again Chibs knows there's more meaning behind it.

Chibs follows Juice into the bedroom, and the two of them settle comfortably into the bed. Juice seems suddenly nervous again, but Chibs pulls him into his arms and feels Juice ease into his touch. He pulls the blankets over them and reaches over to turn off the light. Juice lets out a small, peaceful sigh, and comfortably presses up against Chibs. Juice can't help but smile as he feels Chibs hug him tight, and then he's drifting off into a warm, dreamless sleep.

Chibs feels Juice's body relax, and he knows Juice has been carried off into dreamland. He places a kiss against Juice's forehead. "I love you, Juicey," he whispers softly, then closes his eyes for the night.


	8. And Give Me Pure Energy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly a filler-chapter letting me tie up some loose ends, but for those of you who have been paying attention to the chapter titles and how they correspond with the lyric lines of the Brand New song, “I Am A Nightmare,” (like how I stated in the beginning of the first chapter), you’ll notice one of two things. One, I skipped the second lyric line because it repeats here and two, the next lyric line (the next chapter) will probably hold something you all will like. So stay tuned for the upcoming chapter! I’m excited to get it written. :)

**Chapter Eight**

“And Give Me Pure Energy”

Chibs no longer sleeps on the couch. The next night, he'd moved to lay down on the cushions when Juice had made a small, panicked noise, and Chibs had turned to look up at him. He could see the pleading look in Juice's eyes, and he realized the boy hadn't meant for him to sleep in the living room. He'd sat back up on the couch and fixed Juice with a smile. "Bed?" he'd asked and Juice nodded his head. It became normal, and for the past week he'd been sharing the bed with Juice.

The two have settled into a comfortable routine. They wake in each other’s arms and then spend the day lounging around the house, working on their motorcycles outside, or taking long rides out in the desert. Chibs sometimes leaves to meet with the Club or take care of business, but when he returns, Juice is waiting for him with a smile. Chibs still hasn't told Juice how he feels, but he doesn't hide his comfort around the boy. He teases him just like old times, and Juice finally seems completely relaxed in his presence.

Juice is happy, and he's beginning to wonder if there's more to Chibs’ feelings toward him than he ever realized. He knows it's strange for the two of them to be sharing a bed and especially how Chibs holds him close during the night, but he doesn't question it. He's happy to finally have Chibs back, and life is beginning to feel normal again. The nightmares have become nearly nonexistent, and when one does try to creep into his head at night, he wakes to find Chibs holding him tight. He no longer feels afraid, and it's wonderful.

One day, when the two have stopped in the middle of a ride at a diner on the outskirts of town, Chibs makes the comment to Juice about coming to the next Chapel meeting. Juice's face goes blank, and he stirs the hot soup in front of him absentmindedly with his spoon. Out of the corner of his eye, he takes in the Sons of Anarchy cut both he and Chibs are wearing, and he knows Chibs has a point, but the truth is, he's pretty sure the Club won't appreciate him wearing it.

"Ya don't have to," Chibs tells him, "But I think ye might as well make yer return."

Juice continues stirring the soup, lost in his thoughts. He wants to return to the Club. The thought has been on his mind for a while, and he wants to have the chance to prove to the remaining members that they did the right thing by letting him live. He wants them to see how he's changed and that he never plans to mess things up again. Above all, he truthfully misses his brothers. He sees Tig off and on, and Happy had been there to show him he wasn't dreaming, but he misses the feeling of belonging to a family. He truly enjoys Chibs' company, but he also wants to join the world again.

"Juicey?"

"Yeah. Okay," he smiles up at Chibs, but inside he feels a bundle of nerves.

 

Their regular Chapel meeting had been scheduled to take place in three days, and on the evening before the third day, Juice is a mess. He locks himself in his and Chibs' room, and when Chibs comes to find him, Juice won't let him in.

"Don't make me break the door down, laddie!"

"Just leave me alone!" Juice calls back through the door.

Chibs bangs his fist angrily against the wood, but then backs away. It's obvious Juice is terrified of facing the Sons tomorrow, and as much as Chibs wants to talk to him, he knows Juice needs to work his fears out on his own. He lets out a frustrated sigh, then moves into the living room to take a seat on the couch. He doesn't want Juice upset with him, so as much as he really would like to break down the door to get to the boy, he knows he has to let it be. He just hopes Juice will be okay.

Inside the bedroom, Juice is pacing frantically. He'd thrown his Sons of Anarchy cut onto the bed, and his eyes continue to dart over to the leather in panic. Thoughts and scenarios are playing out in his head, and all he can grasp is the fact that the Sons will probably call for his death as soon as they lay eyes on him. Or, as the other scenario likes to play out, the Sons will call a hoard of police officers to have him arrested and thrown back into prison once they see how happy he's become. A small part of him tries to tell him this is nonsense, that they _had_ voted to let him be removed from prison, but the main part of his brain shuts down the logic. He's terrified of returning to prison, and when his thoughts swarm towards that cold metal cell, he feels himself growing dizzy and beginning to sway on the spot. He forces himself to think of Chibs and how Chibs promised nothing bad would ever happen to him again.

But then thoughts of Tully filter into his head and he feels like he's going to be sick.

He remembers the feeling of the man touching him, his cold fingers trailing softly against his arms, his face, everywhere he'd decide to reach. He remembers his lips seeking his mouth, and then moving to kiss other parts of him. He remembers the feeling of Tully inside of him, tearing him and making him bleed...the feeling of warm, sticky liquid coating his skin.

"No...please no..." he whispers, his eyes blurring and his head dizzy.

But then it's Chibs he sees, and his vision starts to clear. He thinks of these past couple of months and how Chibs has been nothing but good to him. He thinks of their rides through the desert, the teasing jokes they've begun to share again, how Chibs is so willing to let him into his bed and lay within his arms. He's still terrified of touch, but with Chibs, he at least feels safe. Chibs represents comfort and safety from all of the nightmares and pain. As long as Chibs is there, Juice knows he'll be okay.

Juice glances over at the cut. His stomach still squirms at facing the remaining members of the Sons, but he's happy Chibs will be there with him. He forces a smile and goes to pick up the leather from where he'd thrown it on the bed and folds it nicely. He places it on top of the dresser next to Chibs' own leather. He smiles again, this one more genuine, and decides he might as well get a good night's rest before having to go to the meeting the next day. That's when panic sets in again as he realizes he wouldn't let Chibs into the room, and he's afraid Chibs is mad at him. He doesn't want to sleep alone. He knows after all the thoughts he's had today that he'll be faced with nightmares, and he can't deal with them on his own.

He hurries out of the room and into the living room. Chibs is laying lazily back on the couch, eyes focused on the television in front of him. He briefly flicks his eyes over towards Juice when he sees the boy walk into the room, but he doesn't speak. Instead, he goes back to staring at the TV.

"Chibs? Hey!" Juice stands between Chibs and the television, blocking his view.

"Hey!" Chibs yells, but a smile is playing at the corner of his lips. "Are ye speaking to me now?"

Juice crosses his arms in front of his chest, "Sorry."

Chibs holds out his arms and motions for Juice to lay next to him. "Come here, ya numpty."

Juice can't help but laugh, "What does that mean?"

"It means yer an idiot," Chibs grins, "Now come here."

Juice lays next to him and feels the familiar weight of Chibs' arms as he wraps them around him. Chibs has to pull him close to keep Juice from falling off the edge, and Chibs pokes him lightly in the side, "Now that yer starting to get a little more meat on those bones, we can barely fit."

"Are you calling me fat?" Juice laughs and at the same time pokes Chibs in the stomach, "Cause if anyone here's fat, I think it's you."

"I am not!"

"Mmm hmm."

"Ye little shite!" Chibs laughs as he uncurls his arms from Juice and watches as the boy rolls off the couch onto the floor.

"Hey!" Juice rubs his ass from where it hit the ground, "That hurt!"

"Awww, does wee little Juicey have a boo-boo? Do ye need me to kiss it?"

Chibs makes a kissy-face and Juice laughs, "In your dreams."

"'An how did ye know what I've been dreamin'?" Chibs says it as a joke, but there's a slight serious undertone to his voice. Juice stares at Chibs oddly, but then grins when he sees Chibs is still smiling.

"Ha, ha, fatty." Juice stands, "Come on, let's go to bed. I want to get tomorrow over with."

Chibs nods his head and rises from the couch. He follows Juice into the bedroom and not for the first time admires how nice Juice's ass looks in his jeans as he walks. If only Juice realized he wasn't joking. Juice seems nearly back to normal, and Chibs wonders how he'd react if he knew how Chibs really felt.

 

The next morning dawns sunny and warm, and Juice is happy he won't have to face the Sons on a dreary, cloudy day. The atmosphere in the air is nice, and he feels prepared to meet them. When he pulls on his cut, he feels a twinge of nerves, but he brushes them away. _It will be fine_ , he tells himself. They had decided not to warn the Sons that he was coming and instead show up as if everything was normal. Juice isn't sure if this is a good or bad plan, but at least he knows they all will be there rather than skipping out if they know he's coming. This way, he can at least get seeing them all again over with at once.

The ride to Scoops and Sweets is shorter than he'd have liked, and he feels his stomach roll when he sees the rest of the Sons’ motorcycles already parked out front. He glances nervously at Chibs who gives him a reassuring nod, and the two of them enter the storefront. The door leading upstairs is closed and at first Juice thinks the front of the store is empty, when suddenly someone shouts his name from a booth off to the side. Juice raises his eyebrows, then grins when he sees Chucky jump from the booth to walk over to him.

"Juice!" Chucky calls excitedly again, "I thought I'd heard you were out! How're you doing?"

Juice can't help but smile despite his nerves. The innocence that surrounds Chucky despite everything he's been through is uplifting. "I'm good, Chucky." He glances down at Chucky's wooden hands that seem to be pretty well taken care of. "You uh, seem pretty good yourself. Your hands look good."

"I'll accept that," Chucky smiles back. "Polish them every day."

Juice grins and notices Chibs suppress a laugh next to them. All of them have a soft spot for Chucky, even if he is a little 'out there.'

Chibs pats Chucky on the shoulder and tells him they need to get upstairs and for Chucky not to let little girls in for ice cream. Juice briefly wonders what happened for Chibs to say that, but then he sees Chibs is walking towards the back door, so he follows him.

Whereas the ride to Scoops had felt short, the short walk up the stairs feels like an eternity. Juice is a mess of nerves again, and he can hear his heart pounding in his ears. He wants to turn and run, but his feet seem stuck on autopilot. They're carrying him up the stairs and there's nothing he can do but follow Chibs into certain doom. When they step into the Chapel and the Sons take in the sight of them, it takes the men a few seconds to realize Juice is there. Juice stands half hidden behind Chibs, and he's fidgeting nervously on the spot. When it does finally sink in, Juice can see the sudden looks of distaste and concern at Juice being present. He watches several of the men glance towards his cut, and more than one of them frown at him. All of them, though, remain silent.

Chibs nudges Juice forward, then goes to take a seat at the head of the table, in between Happy and Tig. Juice sits down in an empty chair between Rat and Montez, and he feels strangely alone not being next to Chibs. The men on either side of him seem to scoot away, but Juice isn't entirely sure if he's merely imagining it. He glances over at Happy and Tig, and while Tig gives him a small smile, Happy's expression is unreadable.

Juice anxiously taps his fingers against his leg, waiting for one of the men to say something. No one speaks, and for a moment, Juice wonders if it's because the pounding of his heart in his ears is deafening and making it so he can't hear anything else. But one by one the men turn away, though some with frowns still on their faces, and they all turn to look at Chibs. Chibs stares at each of them, as if daring them to speak, and then he finally opens his mouth to discuss business within the Club. He and Juice had decided to treat Juice's reappearance as normal, and Chibs had thought it unnecessary to draw any more attention to him by talking about him being there. In this case, instead of speaking of Juice, Chibs gets on to the work they have ahead of them.

For a moment, everything seems back to normal. Juice feels himself relaxing, and the men around him seem to be paying more attention to what Chibs has to say rather than Juice. The Club has moved into mostly legitimate business, and it turns out the work isn't entirely too stressful. Chibs mentions an upcoming meeting with another charter and that he plans to have Juice and Tig ride along with him for the meet. It's at that moment they suddenly hear the slam of a fist against the table, and then Rat is suddenly rising in anger. Rat shoots Juice a venomous glare, then storms out of the Chapel. The door slams loudly behind him.

The entire room turns to stare from the closed door to Juice. Juice feels suddenly very small, and it's hard for him to breathe. He hates the look most of them are giving him, and for a moment he wishes he'd never been allowed to return. He knows most of them probably hate him, even if they won't say it out loud, and he wishes they'd give him a chance to prove himself. The problem is, even he doesn't know if he deserves it.

Chibs stands, anger burning in his eyes at how Rat had stormed out. "I'll go get him," he spits, eyes burning a hole in the door.

But then Juice stands, quietly looking up to face Chibs, "No. Let me go."

Chibs' face softens, "Are ye sure, lad?"

"Yeah," Juice sighs, heart sinking into his stomach, "This is my battle."

Chibs nods and slowly sinks back into the chair as if he's partly afraid of letting Juice go off on his own. Juice stands and makes his way for the door. He can feel the entire room's eyes on his back, and it's a near relief when he finally steps back onto the stairs.

Rat is sitting in one of the booths in the storefront. He'd cracked open a beer and is drinking deeply from the bottle when Juice spots him. Juice glances over at Chucky nervously twitching over towards the side. "Can we have a minute?" he asks him. Chucky nods and disappears into the back.

Rat glares at Juice as he takes a seat in the booth across from him. Neither of them speak, and Juice's fingers fidget in his lap. He doesn't know what to say because he knows Rat's anger for him is entirely justified.

"You should be dead," Rat finally tells him as he finishes off the bottle.

"I know," Juice answers simply. It's the truth.

"I didn't think you'd actually have the guts to come back here." Again, Juice doesn't know what to say, so he remains silent, but Rat continues, "I wish I didn't vote for you."

The admission pains Juice, but he tries not to let it show. He's often wondered if any of the Sons regretted voting to free him, and it hurts to hear it actually said aloud. "I'm sorry," he whispers softly.

"Don't!" Rat spits at him, "Don't fucking say you're sorry! We're _way_ past that!" He slams his hand against the table, causing Juice to flinch. There's anger burning in his eyes, and his voice comes out like fire, "You should be dead just like _he_ is."

Juice know he means Miles, and his death is one that haunts Juice the most. Miles should never have died, and if Juice hadn't been such a coward, he'd still be alive. But Juice had panicked, had acted before his brain could possibly process what he was doing, and then Miles was dead and there was nothing else he could do. He'd painted Miles as a thief, had lied about everything, all just to save himself. His actions had cost a man his life and at the same time forced the man now sitting before him to take a chance on his own life. Rat had been forced to play Russian roulette all because Juice was a coward. It's no wonder Rat hates him.

"I'm sorry," Juice can't help but whisper again.

Rat shakes his head angrily but doesn't speak. He taps his fingers furiously against the tabletop, and Juice wonders if he should just leave him alone, when Rat says faintly, "I almost left the Club after I voted for you to be released. I kept debating it and debating it. It all felt _wrong_. But I stayed because I thought, maybe you really deserve another chance? Chibs seems to think you do, and he's our President. But I just don't _know_."

"I'm sorry," Juice says for the third time. His stomach is in knots, and as much as he hates hearing Rat's words, he knows he needs to hear them. Yet, he also knows he can prove Rat wrong. He knows he can do right by the Club and prove to them all they made the right choice.

"Just know I won't vote in your favor the next time you fuck things up," Rat says finally, and then stands from the booth. He walks back to the back of the room and climbs the stairs towards the Chapel.

Juice remains seated in silence. He's sad he couldn't find the right words to say to Rat, but he's also hopeful that Rat had at least returned upstairs rather than walking out. At least it feels like he’s willing to give him a chance.

Juice rises and calls for Chucky. The twitchy two-fingered man returns from the back, and Juice tells him he can stay out in the storefront to guard the door again. Chucky smiles at him and tells him he hopes everything is okay, and his kindness makes Juice feel a little better. He knows, despite the madness and anger, that there will always still be the few who are nice to him.

When Juice returns to the Chapel, he notices Rat has switched places with T.O. Juice takes a seat between T.O. and Montez, then glances over at Chibs. Chibs gives him a searching look, as if trying to make sure he's okay, and Juice gives him a small nod. Chibs smiles faintly, then returns to speaking to the Club. They conclude that Chibs, Juice, and Tig will meet with one of the northern charters soon, and then the meeting is adjourned. Quinn and Montez glance at Juice as they walk out, Rat doesn't look at Juice when he leaves, but T.O. does clap him lightly on the shoulder with a smile, and Happy nods in his direction as he walks past. Tig ruffles the hair of Juice's short mohawk and says, "Glad to have you back, kid," and then he's out the door as well.

Chibs curls his arm across Juice's shoulders, "Let's go home."

Juice nods, sinking into Chibs' side. The nerves are slowly leaving him, and he feels relief at having gotten the meeting over with. All things considered, he feels it went quite well, and he's ready to start proving himself again to the Club.


	9. My Heart is Glowing Fluorescent (I Want You to Possess It)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo excited to finally post this. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, and I’m so happy where it leads us. I hope you all will enjoy it too!
> 
> Just as a side note, Ruben Wolfe is my own original character and never appeared on the show - just so you’re not confused.
> 
> And thank you again to all of you who have been following along with the story. I really appreciate all of the hits, comments, and kudos. Thank you! :)

**Chapter Nine**

“My Heart is Glowing Fluorescent (I Want You to Possess It)”

A week has passed since Juice joined the rest of the Sons in the Chapel, and the meet with the small, northeast Oregon chapter of the Sons of Anarchy is scheduled to take place the following day. Juice is looking forward to going on the run with Chibs and Tig. The meet is mostly courtesy; Chibs' goal has been to meet with the individual chapters' Presidents to assure them the Redwood edition of the Sons of Anarchy are heading in the right direction now that Chibs has taken over as President. Everything has gone smoothly thus far, and Chibs is looking to tick another meeting off his list.

This evening, the two of them are packing a small amount of supplies - extra clothes, the usual necessities - as they plan to stay overnight in the northeast Oregon charter's clubhouse. The ride is going to take eleven hours, and they had agreed they didn't feel like driving there and back in one trip. The Oregon chapter's President, a big, burly, bearded man by the name of Ruben Wolfe, had agreed to let them stay and had promised a fair amount of booze and pussy to meet their satisfaction. They were looking forward to the booze and inevitable party, but neither Chibs nor Juice voiced aloud their lack of interest in the croweaters. The two could sense neither of them were interested in the women, and both chalked it up to the fact that they were still recovering from Juice's prison ordeal - neither realizing their feelings for each other are equally shared.

Chibs is finding it increasingly difficult to contain himself around Juice. More than once he's woken with his dick hard and pressed against Juice's backside, and he's had to hurry out of bed to keep Juice from noticing. Other times, Juice has walked around the house without a shirt, and Chibs has found himself unconsciously licking his lips at the thought of touching Juice's deliciously tattooed skin. The more Juice returns to normal, the more Chibs finds it harder to hide his feelings, and he's afraid he's eventually going to do something he shouldn't. It doesn't help that Juice seems strangely okay with how Chibs holds him at night and how Chibs teases him almost flirtatiously. Chibs tries to hold himself together to keep from harming Juice, still unsure how Juice feels towards someone getting close to him in a more than friendly manner, but it's almost as if Juice wants him to push towards him. At times he's almost said something, but there's still the thought of Juice rejecting him. In the end, he always decides it's best to keep his mouth shut.

Juice is confused, naturally. He continues to sense that Chibs holds feelings for him, and at times he thinks Chibs is about to act on them, only to then change the subject or do something else. Sometimes, Juice thinks he catches Chibs staring at him hungrily, so he'll walk around, tattoos and bare skin showing, just to watch Chibs' eyes trail across his skin. Juice wonders what it'd be like to have Chibs care for him as more than a friend. After all, it's what he's always secretly dreamed of, but if he's honest with himself, he's afraid of what it will be like to have someone go for him that way. He still sometimes dreams of Tully, and the nightmares of Tully's touch still cause him to cringe at the thought of someone else going near him. He thinks it will be different with Chibs if Chibs really does like him, but he isn't sure. He's afraid Tully ruined him, this much he can admit to himself, and the thought scares him. So rather than asking Chibs what is going on, he keeps quiet.

As early morning dawns, and the meeting with Wolfe is scheduled to take place later that day, Chibs and Juice grab their backpacks, shrug on their cuts, and wait for Tig out in the driveway. Both seem a little out of it, and for Chibs, it's because his thoughts are lost within the day ahead and the idea of a croweater coming on to Juice. He knows Juice didn't seem interested in the women when Wolfe mentioned them over the phone, but he still can't shake the thought of Juice seeming happy if one goes after him. He's grown fiercely protective of the boy, and he's not sure he's willing to see someone else trying to have him.

Juice jumps when Tig's motorcycle pulls up. He's on edge, and Chibs has seemed strangely distant the entire time they've been awake. He notices that Chibs keeps staring at him but doesn't speak, and Juice wonders what his problem is. When he catches him staring again, this time with a glare, Juice can't help but question him, "What's your problem?"

"Nothin'," Chibs replies gruffly.

"Well why do you keep staring at me like that?"

"I'm not starin'," he answers. His voice is still rough, and he completely ignores the fact that Juice had caught him watching him multiple times.

Juice glares at him. He'd been looking forward to going on a run again, and he doesn't need Chibs getting an attitude with him. He doesn't need the panic of wondering if Chibs is mad at him; he wants to have a good day.

"Trouble in paradise?" Tig asks as he pulls up alongside them, eyeing their obvious glares towards each other.

Juice shakes his head, and Chibs gives a quick, "No."

Tig stares at them oddly, but chooses not to elaborate on the matter. "You both ready to go?"

This time, both of them nod and climb on their bikes in answer.

"Alright, let's get out of here then."

The three of them take off and quickly settle into the comfort of the ride. Juice is happy to feel the warm wind against his face, and he's looking forward to the long ride across the desert. This will be the longest one he's gone on in a long time, and he's ready for it. He quickly forgets Chibs' strange attitude and finds himself enjoying the motorcycle carrying him across the desert.

The sun is beginning to set when they finally pull up to Wolfe's clubhouse. On the outside, the building looks to be falling apart; it's old, made of wood, and covered in dirt and mud from the weather playing against its sides. It reminds Juice of the wooden saloons from old western movies, and he wonders what it will look like inside.

Wolfe steps through the door when he hears their bikes pull up. He's tall, burly, and looks more on the wild side - fitting for his biker persona. His long ginger beard is beginning to be flecked with grey and his tattoos are starting to fade, but his age doesn't stop him from looking fierce. His cut is well-worn and adorned with patches, and Wolfe appears to wear it with pride. Juice knows Ruben Wolfe has a reputation for keeping order on this side of Oregon, and he wonders if the wild, yet proud look of him is partly what keeps people at bay.

"Chibs," Wolfe nods towards them as they step off their motorcycles.

"Wolfe," Chibs nods back.

Wolfe steps forward and the two men shake hands, then Wolfe turns to stare at Tig and Juice. He nods towards each of them, then motions them to follow him inside. Juice is delighted when he sees the inside of the clubhouse is just as he'd hoped. Just as the outside had looked like something out of a western, the inside looks straight from a cowboy's saloon. The inside is entirely made of wood, and based on the rough shape of the tables and barstools, it seems like many bar fights have been had within the place. The bar is directly across from the door and appears well-stocked, and Juice notices with a grin a large sign that reads, 'The Saloon,' over the top of the bar. He feels like a cowboy in for a drink, and it feels so amusingly different from their own sweet-shop turned clubhouse.

Inside are the remaining members of Wolfe's Sons of Anarchy chapter, and all of them look similarly wild. Most are around Wolfe's age, but one or two appear to be closer in age to Juice. One lone boy wears the patch 'Prospect' across the bottom of his cut, and it's him Wolfe yells at to "round the girls and get the beer." Juice flinches at the same time the Prospect does, and Juice knows he'd hate to Prospect for this chapter. Wolfe seems like he'd be tough, but perhaps that's why they never seem to have much trouble on this side of the state.

Two blonde girls with big tits enter from the side of the bar and begin pulling beer from somewhere underneath the counter. Juice notices how the men watch the girls' tits bounce as they walk around the room handing out the beer, and the girls keep smiling like they've obviously been trained. When one of the blondes reaches Juice, he takes the beer, but he tries not to stare at her breasts. In the past, his eyes would have been all over her, but now with Chibs beside him, he finds he's really not that interested.

"Make yourself at home," Wolfe instructs them as he takes a seat on a barstool. He motions the girls away, and they disappear in the back. "So tell me, how's SAMCRO?"

"It's good," Chibs answers, "No more running guns, stayin' away from the drug trade. We're stable. No trouble."

"Good. No repercussions from Jax?"

"No, he made sure everythin' was right before he died."

"Good," Wolfe says simply. It's obvious he seems satisfied SAMCRO is all in one piece.

"Everythin' good on yer end?" Chibs asks him.

"No problems here. My men know how to keep things in order," he answers smugly, and Chibs, Juice, and Tig all know this is a pass at SAMCRO's history of not keeping things together. They choose to keep quiet rather than poke back. Wolfe's chapter is a good ally to have, and sometimes they have to ignore the jabs he takes at the other charters.

"Good," Chibs echoes Wolfe.

The talk turns to the various business Wolfe's charter has been up to lately, and his other members speak up randomly when they have information to give. Everything seems well in order, and Juice finds himself growing bored listening to the other men talk. Wolfe is the type that seems to like the sound of his own voice and this, added with how proud he is of keeping things in order, causes him to drag on seemingly endlessly. Juice finds himself wishing he was back home with Chibs or at least out on his bike, and he's happy when the talk seems to be winding down.

By the time evening has fallen, Wolfe orders in more women, and soon the place is crawling with bar-sluts. The croweaters seem familiar with the place and the men inside, some seeming to return to their favorite members. The alcohol has begun to flow steadily, and Juice finds women suddenly appearing on either side of him, some trying to hand him beer, others trying to touch him. He's suddenly powerless, and he isn't sure what to do in the situation. On one hand, their fingers caressing his skin, massaging his shoulders, and tits bouncing in his face stir old feelings of sleeping with any croweater in reach, but on the other hand, he doesn't know if he _wants_ to sleep with any of them. He flinches when one of the croweaters brushes her hand against the crotch of his pants, and warning bells suddenly go off in his head. This is definitely not what he wants, he realizes. He doesn't want them touching him, but he doesn't know what to do. There's so many of them.

"Juicey!"

Juice's head spins to look at Chibs. The odd anger from earlier seems to have disappeared from the older man, and he now seems to have another unreadable expression adorning his face. He doesn't look angry, but he does seem annoyed and his eyes flick towards the women crawling all over Juice.

"Let's go outside," Chibs suggests and motions for Juice to follow.

Juice feels relieved at having an excuse to get away from the women. He pushes their hands away, ignoring the annoyed looks they shoot towards him, and hurries after Chibs. Outside, the fresh air feels good compared to inside the clubhouse, and Juice takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. He can still faintly feel the touches from the women, and this causes him to shiver, trying to shake them away.

"Ye looked a little overwhelmed," Chibs grins at him.

"They all came at me at once," Juice replies, again trying to shake away the feeling of their hands on his skin.

"I saw," Chibs says, still grinning.

The truth was, Chibs had been watching Juice the moment the croweaters had begun pouring into the bar. Juice had always been a chick-magnet, and he knew the bar-sluts would gravitate towards him. Juice is young blood, fresh meat, and much more appealing than most of the old bikers that usually reside in the bar. It was inevitable they'd go after him, and Chibs at first could only stare helplessly as they touched him. He hated it, but he didn't know what to do. Only once Juice looked panicked did he realize he had an excuse, and he'd hurried to get him out of there.

"Come on, let's take a walk."

Juice nods and follows after Chibs. Chibs seems different tonight, and Juice feels it's important to follow. The older man is still staring at him oddly with an expression Juice can't quite read, and it's as if he's holding something back that he wants to say. Chibs seems to do that a lot lately, and Juice wonders briefly if tonight will be the night Chibs finally lets the words go.

The night sky overhead is flecked with bright, flickering stars, and they walk in silence, the bright moon and stars lighting their path as dirt kicks up around their shoes. They walk until the clubhouse lights are faint in the distance, and finally stop beside a single old, gnarled tree. Juice realizes he's still holding a beer bottle, and he sets it down on a rock beside the tree, and turns to stare at Chibs. The older man's eyes seek his face, and for a moment, Juice thinks he can read what's going on behind Chibs' eyes. Chibs seems different, and it's as if he doesn't want Juice out of his sight. It's as if he's afraid he's going to lose him.

"I'm not going anywhere," Juice whispers to him.

"'An what makes ye say that?" Chibs says softly.

Juice shuffles uncertainly, "You keep staring at me like you think I'm going to leave, but I'm not going anywhere."

"Ye will," Chibs tells him. His voice is still soft and there's a touch of sadness underneath. He's thinking again of the women touching Juice and how one day Juice will surely get over his fears and will find an old lady to take care of him. "Ye'll get an' old lady like one of those girls in there and then ye won't need me anymore."

"I don't want an old lady," Juice admits honestly. He's glad to have finally shaken the touch of the croweaters from him, and he realizes he can't stand the thought of another one coming onto him again. Instead, he thinks of Chibs and how happy he is to spend time with him each day, how perfect it's been sharing his home and bed. He knows, just like he used to, that all he wants is Chibs. Chibs is staring at him searchingly, and again, it looks as if he's holding back words. Juice wishes he'd just say them. He thinks he knows what they are now, but he just can't tell for sure.

"What do ye want then?" Chibs finally asks him even though he thinks they both know the answer.

Juice’s voice comes out soft, "You."

Chibs entire body seems to bend in relief as a low, possessive sigh breathes from his lips. He reaches up, fingers lightly playing against Juice's cheek, and Juice melts against his touch. He steps forward, other hand reaching to curl around Juice's side and pull him close. He leans in, lips hovering above Juice's mouth, and he breathes quietly, "Ye really want this?"

"Yes."

Chibs slowly closes the distance, their eyes closing as their lips touch and bodies come together seamlessly. Juice feels perfect against him, his lips so soft, so warm, everything he's dreamed of. The boy kisses him back, unafraid and seeming to want this even more than Chibs himself, and Chibs finds himself trying to pull Juice closer, wanting to taste and feel as much of him as he can. When they finally pull apart, Juice lets out a small sigh as if wanting more, and Chibs places another kiss against his lips before pulling back with a smile. They meet each other's eyes, and suddenly it's as if they can read everything, and they know this is what they've each wanted for a long time.

It's a long time before they speak. They take a seat on the ground with their back against the tree, and Chibs pulls Juice next to him, arm curled around his waist. Juice rests his head on Chibs' shoulder, and he wraps his arms around him, holding him tightly. They sit there comfortably under the stars, silent but knowing an entire world's worth of conversation has passed between them in that kiss. Chibs places a kiss against Juice's head, and Juice looks up to again meet his eyes.

"Is this why you saved me?" he finally asks softly.

"Aye, it is."

Juice burrows into Chibs' chest, and Chibs holds onto him tightly. "Thank you," Juice whispers, "For everything." 

Out there, under the stars, the world seems perfect, and for the first time in a long time, Juice feels entirely happy.

 

When they finally return to the clubhouse, they discover Tig trying to fend off a half-naked woman. The blonde croweater is drunk, and she'd flung her shirt somewhere to the floor. Her large breasts bounce as she continuously advances towards Tig, and his hands are in the air as he tries to block her from getting any closer.

"Listen, woman," he tells her as she makes a swipe towards his shirt, trying to pull it off, "I've got a lovely lady back home who I'd really like to not piss off by fucking you, so can you please just get away?"

The blonde either doesn't hear him or chooses to ignore him. She makes another grab for his shirt, giggling as she does.

"Jesus, lady," Tig grumbles. He finally gives up and pushes her backwards, then pulls his gun from his belt. He points it at her head, and her eyes go wide. "You see this, bitch? he asks, waving the gun in front of her, "I'm a good shot, you understand? Go!" She scrambles to her feet, tits flopping wildly as she runs from him. He laughs, shaking his head at the comical sight, and puts the gun away. That's when he sees Chibs and Juice have reentered the clubhouse, "There you two are!"

"Looks like yer having a bit o' fun," Chibs grins at him.

"Fuck, man. These guys like their women." He motions towards the men now slumped around the room, naked women passed out beside them and on top of them. Wolfe is sitting on one of the barstools, eyes half closed and barely coherent. A drunk croweater is sucking his dick, but he doesn't even seem to notice.

"Jesus," Chibs breathes, shaking his head with a laugh.

"Where'd you two go, anyway?" Tig asks as he steps over to them, dodging the naked bodies as he goes.

"Went for a walk," Chibs answers, "Juice needed some fresh air."

Tig glances over at Juice standing silently next to Chibs. The boy seems lost in his head, and a smile is on his face. Tig stares oddly up at Chibs, and he wonders if something more happened on their walk, "Did things, uh, finally come out?"

"Ye could say that." Chibs glances down at Juice and smiles. "Don't tell the Club," he says, looking back up at Tig, "Not yet."

Tig nods, "Whenever you’re ready, brother."

"Hey! You men nee' some wom'en? PROSPECT!" Wolfe’s drunken voice suddenly cuts across the room causing the three Redwood Sons to stare wildly at him. The Prospect comes scrambling into the room, stumbling over a naked croweater as he tries to pull his own pants back up to his waist. "Ge' these men so' ladies," Wolfe slurs to the Prospect.

"No," Chibs holds up his hands, "We're fine, thank you."

Wolfe stares at them crossly, "Yo' haven' been treat'd."

"Trust me, we're fine," Tig cuts in.

Wolfe frowns, "If yo' say so."

Chibs again glances down at Juice. What he really wants is to be alone with Juice, and he knows that's never going to happen at Wolfe's clubhouse. They had planned to spend the night and head back late next morning, but now Chibs wonders if they might as well head out now. "Ye want to go home?" he asks Juice quietly, and Juice nods. "What about you, Tigger?"

"Fine with me."

Chibs looks back over at Wolfe. The burly man has shoved the croweater away, and he's now attempting to drink some whiskey straight from the bottle. Most of it runs down his chin and into his beard, but he doesn't seem to notice. "It was nice seeing ye, Wolfe, but I think we'll be headin' out. Let us know if ye need anythin'."

Wolfe waves his hand at them, shooing them away. He apparently has no use left for them now that they're not interested in his women and alcohol.

"Alright, then," Tig says under his breath as they walk out the door. "That was interesting."

The men are exhausted when they return home. Tig bids them farewell and takes off to his and Venus' house, and Chibs and Juice make their way inside. The sun is high in the sky as they'd driven all night and through the morning, but they're ready to sleep. Chibs pulls Juice into his arms and places a light kiss against his lips, "Ya ready to crash?" he asks him.

Juice yawns and nods his head sleepily, and the two make their way back to the bedroom. Chibs pulls the curtains tightly closed to block out the sunlight, and then he settles into the bed next to Juice. The boy looks so innocent laying before him, and he smiles as he takes him into his arms.

"Goodnight, Juicey," he whispers, and Juice cuddles against him.

It all feels unreal, and for a moment Juice wonders how he could have gotten so lucky. Everything seems to have fallen into place, and for once it seems as if all he's ever dreamed of is actually coming true. He feels safe in Chibs' arms, and he's ready for whatever this thing between them has to bring. But...another thought crosses his mind, and he feels his heart sink slightly. While the kiss between them had been perfect, Juice is still terrified at the other things that come with being with someone. He thinks of how he'd flinched when the croweater had run her hand across his crotch, and thoughts of Tully sear through his brain when he thinks of being touched in those places. A blush stains his cheeks when he thinks of he and Chibs together, and while some day he thinks he'd like that to happen, he knows he's not ready right now. Tully's mark is still too deep, and he needs time to deal with it.

"Chibs?" Juice whispers into the dark of the room.

"Mmmm?" the older man replies, already half asleep.

"Can we...take this slow? I don't...I'm not ready to..." Juice's voice breaks off, and he hopes Chibs understands what he means.

Chibs reaches over and turns on the lamp next to the bed, then sits up to face Juice. "Look at me, Juicey," he tells him, voice serious.

Juice slowly meets his eyes. He's afraid he shouldn't have said anything. Maybe Chibs hadn't meant for their relationship or whatever this is to ever go that far?

"I will _never_ force ye to do anythin' ye don't want to do. Do ya understand?" Juice nods his head, but Chibs reaches up to cup his chin, holding him still and still meeting his eyes, "I've never been with a man before. I don't know what I'm doing. I'll be the firs' to admit that, but what I do know is that I care for ye more than I can ever put into words. We do things on _your_ terms, and _if_ you decide to go to those places, well..." he leans in and kisses Juice deeply, feeling Juice relax against him and push into the kiss. Chibs smiles against Juice's lips and pulls back, "...then I'll gladly go there with you."

Then he kisses Juice again, long and deep before they finally sink into a deep, comfortable sleep and all feels right with the world.


	10. I'm Not a Prophecy Come True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a head’s up, the chapter updates might be a little slower than usual if you hadn’t noticed because my family and I have gone off on vacation, so I’m not going to be sitting at my computer as often as usual.
> 
> However, and this is the totally exciting part, I am currently in Nashville for the Walker Stalker Convention and in less than twelve hours, I am going to be standing next to Tommy Flanagan to meet him and get my picture taken with him! *insert super fangirl scream even though I’m totally afraid I’m going to pass out from excitement when I’m standing next to him* I’m going to be soooo starstruck and it’s terrifying. So if I don’t post ever again, it’s because they had to scrape my fangirling, starstruck-self from the floor because I melted into a puddle at seeing Chibs in person.
> 
> *super-terrified-crazy-fangirl-scream*
> 
> Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It’s another happy one. :)

**Chapter Ten**

“I’m Not a Prophecy Come True”

_I was supposed to die._

The thought filters through Juice's mind, but he brushes it aside. He's focused on Chibs puttering around the kitchen and mumbling under his breath. A smile lights Juice's face as Chibs drops a spoon to the floor and curses loudly for the second time that morning.

Days have passed since their kiss under the stars, and while most things in their life feel the same, there's still some things they have to get used to. Mostly, it's the realization that their feelings for each other have been said and that they don't have to hide anymore. Still, even though they've been friends for a long time and have been living together for a while, it's still as if they're a new couple and everything is a new adventure to them.

At the moment, Juice is sitting in the kitchen as Chibs attempts to make him breakfast. The older man is standing at the stove trying to fry bacon and eggs, but he keeps breaking the yolk and burning the bacon. A string of Scottish insults flies from his mouth as he bursts another egg and the gooey yolk floods the pan. Juice can't help but laugh; he knows Chibs is trying his best to make them a perfect breakfast, but he also knows the poor man can't cook.

"Why don't you scramble them?" Juice chuckles, motioning towards the eggs in the pan.

"Because," Chibs whirls on him, waving the spatula in the air, "I wanted ta' make them sunny."

"Do you even know what that means?"

"Yes, ye little shite, it means the yellow bit is all together on top!"

Chibs face is comical, and Juice finds himself laughing even though he tries to hold back. The older man is frowning wildly, the scars on his cheeks accenting the frown, but the words flying from his mouth don't sound intimidating and the spatula waving in the air makes him look like some crazed housewife. It doesn't help that Chibs had dug a flowery apron from the depths of some long-forgotten cabinet and is wearing it over his dark shirt and pants.

"It's okay if we have them scrambled, though," Juice grins at him.

Chibs shoots him a glare and mumbles something that sounds like "feckin' shite," but then he scoops the goopy eggs all together to begin scrambling them.

Finally, Chibs settles into the chair across from Juice and the two dig into a breakfast of burnt bacon and very scrambled eggs. Juice smiles as he scoops the yellow mess into his mouth. The food looks like a disaster, but it still tastes good and he doesn't mind extra crispy bacon.

"Don't laugh," Chibs glares at him.

"I'm not laughing, just smiling." Chibs huffs grumpily which does cause Juice to laugh. "Seriously old man, it's fine."

The two eat in comfortable silence. Juice flips through the motorcycle magazine he'd brought from the living room, and Chibs scans the local newspaper. The Sons of Anarchy are mentioned in a small section on the cover from when they had donated money to a local charity organization earlier that week. Chibs has been trying to make a more positive name for themselves, and he's attempted to make kind donations and other happy appearances a frequent thing. He figures it's better than the locals seeing the fights that used to break out almost daily.

When they’re finished eating, Juice watches Chibs lay the newspaper gently on the table out of the corner of his eye. He can feel Chibs watching him, and when he looks up, he meet's the older man's eyes. "Can't get enough of me?" he grins cheekily.

"I was just thinkin'," Chibs answers.

"About what?"

Chibs blushes, an honest-to-goodness embarrassed blush, and he mumbles something unintelligibly under his breath.

Juice sets down the magazine, grin lighting his face, "What?"

"Nothin'."

"You're literally blushing," Juice pokes at him, "It can't be nothing." Chibs mumbles again and Juice only grins wider, "Speak up, old man."

"I'm not _that_ old," Chibs growls back, but the corners of his mouth twitch as he holds back a smile.

"I know, but you look cute when you're trying to be angry." Another blush colors Chibs' cheeks. Juice doesn't think he's ever seen Chibs this embarrassed, and he wonders what it is the Scot wants to say. "Don't change the subject, Chibby. What is it?"

Chibs' eyes turn down to stare at the table, and he mumbles, this time a little louder, "I was just wonderin' if ye'd like to go on a date with me?"

This time it's Juice's turn to blush. He hasn't been on a date in a long time because being in the Club meant there were always plenty of girls hanging around the bar just waiting for a quick fuck. There was never any need to romance them; it was just pick one or two or even three and be set for the night. He hasn't considered dating in years, and now the thought of going on one with Chibs makes him feel like a young high school boy getting the chance to go out with his first crush.

"Oh..." Juice mumbles under his breath, his face bright red.

"See, I told ye it was nothin'," Chibs grumbles, cheeks still tinted pink, and then he says more to himself than Juice, "Stupid for thinking it."

"No," Juice says lightly. "I mean, if you'd want to...I wouldn't say no...I mean, yeah...yes, let's go on a...date." His voice comes out awkward and he can feel his face burning as the embarrassed blush attempts to make itself a permanent fixture. He casts his eyes down to stare at the table, unconsciously imitating Chibs.

"So...it's a date then..." Chibs replies softly.

"Yeah..."

The two meet each other's eyes and their faces burn red.

xxx

After dodging around each other awkwardly for a few days, they finally had decided to travel into Lodi for their date. They don't wear their Sons of Anarchy cuts and instead dress naturally, Juice in a pair of tight black jeans and maroon pocketed t-shirt, and Chibs in a pair of blue jeans and a black long sleeved shirt. They wanted to be comfortable, but also didn't want to be recognized by identifying themselves with their cuts. While they do plan to tell their Club eventually, they aren't ready yet, and they also know that other locals MC's won't be accepting of their relationship. The biker world is still heavily masculine, and two males in a relationship is greatly frowned upon. But, without their cuts, they're just two normal men on a date and luckily, the state of California happens to be more welcoming than others.

The two casually stroll down the sidewalk. They'd parked their bikes in a parking garage far out of sight and had decided to explore the better parts of the city for a nice, carefree day. People sometimes stare up at them as they pass, Juice's head tattoos and Chibs' scars somewhat hard to miss, but mostly people pay them no attention. They had browsed through local shops, enjoying the warm sun as they walked, and had even stopped into a nice winery to sample some local wine. Neither are usually wine drinkers, but the sweet fruity liquid had tasted nice and they both agreed to pick up a bottle or two when they were back in the city and not simply walking around.

Now, as the sun slowly begins to set around them, they head towards a restaurant Chibs had found. Chibs glances over at Juice as they walk, and he can't help but smile. Juice has seemed so happy today, and as nervous as he'd been about asking Juice on a date, he's happy they had gone. The Sons have been such a major part of their life that sometimes they forget what it's like to spend a day outside of everything, and today has been a happy comfort.

Juice looks over at him and catches him staring. Chibs smiles, and without thinking, he reaches over and takes Juice's hand into his own. Juice tenses for just a second, surprised at the simple touch, but then he eases and curls his fingers into Chibs’. It's a simple gesture, but it somehow makes it all feel all the more real. A small blush colors each of their cheeks, but they don't pull their hands away.

The restaurant is a blend of formal and casual, and while their tattoos and scars stick out among the rest of the guests, the wait staff still treats them nicely. Juice tries a grilled chicken and pasta dish and some more wine, while Chibs opts for a medium-rare steak and a beer. The food is excellent, and it's a nice change from the sandwiches and half-burned food they've been eating at home. Juice can't help but laugh when he thinks of Chibs making them breakfast, and he wonders aloud if Chibs plans to try again anytime soon.

"Shut yer trap," Chibs grins at him.

They sink into comfortable conversation as they eat, and when they're finished, both are in entirely happy moods. Night has fallen, and their walk back to the parking garage is illuminated by street lights and pulsing nightlife. Someone catcalls them in the distance for holding hands, but they only grin in the person's direction. When they reach their bikes, Chibs glances in either direction to make sure no one is watching, and then he pulls Juice close, kissing him deeply.

"I love you, Juicey," Chibs whispers against Juice's lips.

The admission is obvious - everything Chibs has done for him has revealed his love, but hearing it aloud causes Juice's heart to soar. He wraps his arms around Chibs, pulling him in for a tight hug as he rests his head on Chibs' shoulder.

"I love you, too," he whispers back and feels Chibs hug him close.

"You're so goddamn perfect," Chibs murmurs. He doesn't deserve Juice after everything he and the rest of the Club did, but at the moment he doesn't want to question it. Somehow, he's ended up with this beautiful young man in his arms, and he wants nothing more than to hold him there forever.

Only when they hear footsteps heading towards a car parked near their motorcycles do they finally pull away. Chibs places a quick kiss against Juice's lips, and then the two are on their bikes heading back towards home.

 

"This was a good day," Juice says as he pulls his t-shirt over his head. He and Chibs are in their bedroom about to head to bed, and Chibs is already sitting back against the headboard while Juice changes. "Have you seen my sweatpants?" Juice asks as he tosses his shirt to the floor and scans his eyes around the room for his grey sweats so he can change out of his jeans.

Chibs doesn't answer. After their perfect day out in the city, he's infatuated with Juice and can't take his eyes off him. Plus, it doesn't help that Juice's tanned skin is in plain view now that his shirt has been cast to the floor. Juice's tattooed arms and muscular chest and abs are a perfect sight, and again he wonders how he's gotten so lucky to have Juice as his own. The younger man looks amazing, so different to Chibs' own scarred and worn body, and Chibs finds himself gazing longingly at him, wanting nothing more than to touch him, to taste his skin, and explore everything he has to offer.

Juice finds his sweatpants and changes into the grey cotton. He grabs a plain white tank top and goes to pull it on, but then he catches Chibs' staring at him and he pauses. It's obvious Chibs is checking him out, and Juice smirks, twisting the fabric in his hands. "Would you like it better if I left this off or something?" he grins, motioning towards the shirt.

Chibs licks his lips, voice coming out low, “I would.”

The shirt falls from Juice's fingertips, and the younger man climbs into bed next to the Scot. "I guess you like this?" The smirk is still on Juice’s lips as he motions towards his muscular chest and abs.

"Mmmm," Chibs sighs. He slowly reaches out, gently running his fingers across Juice's chiseled stomach. He feels Juice's muscles tense under his hand, and he stops, looking up to meet Juice's eyes.

"Go on," Juice breathes.

He eases as Chibs traces his fingers across his skin, tracing the lines of his muscles and the line work of his tattoos. Juice's skin feels hot against Chibs' fingers and the older man moves closer, wanting to touch more of him. Chibs mouth meets Juice's lips as his hands continue to play out across Juice's skin, and then he's tasting him just as he touches him, Juice's mouth hot as his skin and just as tempting. Juice whimpers against Chibs' lips as the older man's fingers play out across his chest, thumb brushing across a hard nipple, then back down his side and across his abs. Chibs is hard in his pants, and he can feel his dick straining against the fabric. He wants Juice to touch him, but instead a low moan escapes his lips as Juice arches up against him, Juice's hands pulling him down on top of him.

Chibs presses Juice against the bed, covering Juice's body with his own. Slowly, he trails his mouth from Juice's lips to his neck, and he lets his tongue taste the boy's skin. Juice moans when Chibs sucks at his neck, feeling the older man bite to leave his mark against his skin. Chibs hands are still roaming Juice's hardened muscles, and when he reaches the waistline of the boy's pants, he can feel the unmistakable outline of his hard dick through the cotton, straining to meet his hand. Chibs groans, biting at Juice's neck as he hooks his fingers into the cotton, slowly beginning to pull the pants down.

"Chibs..." Juice moans, feeling the older man brush his fingers against him through the cotton, "Not...not yet..."

Chibs stops, raising up to meet Juice's eyes. He can see the want reflecting in the boy's longing gaze, but he also sees fear still hidden there, and he knows Juice isn't ready. Not yet. He rolls onto his side, pulling Juice close to him and placing a kiss against the boy's lips.

"I'm sorry," Juice whispers, but Chibs kisses him again, silencing him.

"Never be sorry, Juicey. I promised ye we do this only when yer ready."

Juice nods against his chest, grateful to have found someone who's so willing to wait for him. He sighs happily as Chibs pulls the blanket over them and then reaches over to turn off the light. Darkness envelops them, and Juice is close to falling asleep when he hears Chibs speak into the darkness.

"Can I ask ye somethin', Juicey?"

"Yeah, Chibby," he yawns sleepily.

"Why me?"

Juice frowns in the darkness, and he wonders where the question is coming from, "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Chibs traces his fingers against Juice's hard muscles, again feeling the perfect young man beside him, "When ya could have anyone ye'd ever desire, why me?" Chibs has been wondering the question for the longest time, and seeing Juice there like that, so young and perfect compared to himself, he can't help but wonder why Juice would ever choose him when he could have any woman or man he wants. "I'm old. My hair's going grey. I'm not in the best of shape, and I'm not made of muscles. I've got damned ugly scars carved into my cheeks. Why me?"

"I like your hair!" Juice smiles into the darkness, reaching up to run his fingers through Chibs' long bangs, "And you're not really that old. And so what if you're not made of muscles! I think I've got plenty for both of us," Juice laughs and hears a small chuckle escape the older man's lips. "And..." Juice's fingers reach down to trace the scars cut deep within Chibs' cheeks, "...I love your scars. I think they're kind of sexy." Chibs laughs, but Juice counters back saying, "I'm serious!"

"Oh, Juicey boy," Chibs sighs with a smile.

"But Chibs," Juice says, suddenly serious, "You know what I like most of all?"

"What's that, Juicey?"

"You've always given me a chance. Even when everyone else has always given up on me, you're always there. Even if it takes a little while for you to show up, you always come back for me," Juice smiles and closes his eyes to the darkness, trying to hold back the tears that want to spring forward, "Even when I was supposed to die, you saved me, and now you've given me the chance to fall in love."

"Juicey..." Chibs can hear the happy sadness in Juice's voice, and he reaches up to brush away the tears he knows are there. "I love you, Juicey."

"I love you too, Chibby. I love you too."


	11. I've Just Been Goddamn Mean to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m terrible. I go on vacation and don’t post for several days, then come back and automatically throw a sad chapter at you. Whoops. But Chibs has some things he needs to get off his chest, and well, you can’t heal if you leave things bottled up inside, so here we go.
> 
> Also, on a happier note before we get into the chapter, I just have to say, the Walker Stalker Convention was absolutely amazing, and all of the celebrity guests went out of their way to make sure everyone was happy. And oh my goodness, Tommy Flanagan is legit the nicest person ever. Like seriously, ever. I was shaking soooo bad when I met him at his booth, and when we went to have the worker-lady take our picture with my phone, I was still super obviously nervous, so he put his arm around me and literally jerked me closer to him just to make me laugh, and then he laughed and was like, “Ha! Works every time!” cause I actually smiled and my nerves calmed down. Also, Ryan Hurst (Opie) is literally like the tallest dude ever, and he’s also super nice. And in terms of The Walking Dead, it turns out Norman Reedus and Jeffrey Dean Morgan are also legit super sweet people. So yeah, great experience and if any of you have a chance to go to any of the upcoming conventions, I’d definitely recommend it. :)
> 
> So, on that note, into the chapter we go.

**Chapter Eleven**

“I’ve Just Been Goddamn Mean to You”

It's amazing when living with someone how their stuff slowly begins to take over the home. Chibs had never considered himself to own an overabundance of stuff, but now that Juice has all but completely moved into his house, he realizes just how much he'd truly accumulated over the years. Suddenly, there's two of everything: two closets worth of clothes, two sets of furniture for each room of the house, two sets of everyday household items and necessities. As he and Juice slowly empty the younger man's house into Chibs', the two realize the amount of work that goes into moving and cleaning, and the reality of the fact that they're truly together finally sinks in. It's not Chibs' house anymore; it's Chibs and Juice's house, and despite the lack of space and sometimes clashing arguments of who gets to keep or move what, everything is okay. They're happy, and in the end, that's all that matters.

Living with Juice is different for Chibs. While Juice has never been in a truly serious relationship, Chibs has been married before. He and Fiona had lived together, had even had a child together, and despite being forced out of the situation, he'd lived with Fiona long enough to know what it was like living with someone. He remembers Fiona and all of her "girly" things cluttering his home, remembers her incessant need to plan things out and dominate the situation, remembers how, despite their once-upon-a-time love for each, their constant bickering began to drive them away long before Jimmy had ever entered their lives. After he'd killed Jimmy, Chibs and Fiona had tried to make things work, but after a short while even the long-distance separating them revealed how incompatible they were with being together. They'd made their divorce official soon after Jimmy’s death and officially severed all ties of them ever returning together.

With Juice, he'd expected the course to run similarly. Despite his obvious love for the boy and Juice's feelings for him, he expected the fights and bickering to begin the moment they moved in together, yet it hasn't happened. It's as if the love he thought he'd felt for Fiona had never been real, and this love he feels for Juice is now the only real thing. He doesn't mind the stuff Juice brings into his home, doesn't mind the small arguments they sometimes share because both know they don't mean the angry words said. Juice enjoys letting Chibs make decisions, and when they do clash over something, it's worked out and a compromise is made. Rather than a battleground, their home is a haven, and they enjoying returning home to it each day.

The main difference for Chibs, though, is that Juice is a boy. He never expected himself to fall in love with another man, and his past self would have scoffed at the idea of him ever entering a relationship with someone of the same gender. He used to enjoy the seemingly endless pussy that used to flow through the Club, had bedded many Croweaters in his life, but he doesn't miss it. Instead, the more days pass with Juice, the more he comes to realize how he should have acted on his feelings for the boy long ago. He's incredibly attracted to the young man, and his brain doesn't seem to notice the lack of tits and feminine qualities. Instead, he salivates over Juice's tanned, muscular and tattooed skin, feels his heart go insane every time Juice shoots him that heart-stopping smile, and enjoys the feeling of Juice's firm body pressed against his own. Whenever they kiss, he always finds himself trying to pull him closer, his hands wanting to explore, his body wanting to take him despite knowing he still has to wait. He's fallen madly, head-over-heels in love with the boy, and he hopes nothing will ever be able to separate them.

Yet...

A small, chewing piece of guilt has begun to settle deep in the pit of his stomach. When he lays his eyes on Juice, he sees the boy, the smile, the warm feelings oozing from his body, but he also feels the twinge in his stomach and the growing ache in his chest. Juice is happy, nearly recovered from the Club's abandonment and his time in prison, yet Chibs can't help but feel pain in knowing Juice had had to go through the horrors in the first place. He feels guilty because he's one of the reasons Juice had been forced to go through the pain.

_"If I were you, I'd get that gun, put it in my mouth, and pull the trigger."_

The first time he wakes up from a nightmare of his own, he's soaked in sweat and Juice is staring up at him, wide-eyed and afraid. Chibs' breath comes in heavy pants, his chest heaving as he breathes, and he can feel the tears drying on his face.

"Are you okay?" Juice had asked him, near-tears himself.

"Aye, laddie. Everythin's fine, go to sleep."

They had settled back against the bed, and Juice had huddled extra close to him, the boy hugging his arms around him and holding him close. Chibs had listened as Juice's breathing eased, while Chibs lay awake in the darkness. His eyes stare at the dark ceiling, but his mind is long gone from there. Chibs is lost within the nightmare he'd just woken from, brain forcing him to relay the images over and over again.

The dream had begun in the diner. He and Unser were sitting at the table as Juice made his appearance. In the dream, Chibs finds himself uttering the same words he'd said in the real world, for Juice to put the gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. But unlike the real world, Juice had listened. There, in the dream, in that diner, he's forced to watch as Juice stares at him with sad, dead eyes, much like the eyes he'd once had when Chibs had pulled him from prison. Juice is lost, broken, and he slowly puts the gun in his mouth as Chibs is forced to silently watch.

Chibs is thrown from the dream as Juice's blood splatters over him.

He knows the nightmare is related to the ever-present guilt that has settled into the pit of his stomach. He's happy Juice is back, so very grateful that Juice is willing to give him a chance, but he feels like he doesn't deserve it. Everyone who knows Juice knows he will do anything to make people like him. He'd easily throw all bad thoughts out the window just for a chance to fit in and to feel like he belongs to something. Chibs understands Juice had harbored feelings for him just as he'd felt for Juice, but after everything that happened, Chibs wonders if he deserves the boy. He'd given up on him, told him to kill himself, yet Juice came back to him so easily - just like he always does.

_He's too good for me._

The thought crisscrosses throughout his mind almost as frequently as the now reoccurring nightmare. Juice means the world to him, and he wants only the best for him.

And Chibs doesn't think he's the best for Juice, as much as he wants to hold onto him forever.

xxx

"We need to talk."

The words stumble from Chibs’ lips, and he watches as Juice's eyes go wide and fearful just as Chibs' heart sinks into his stomach. Juice is sitting on the couch in the living room, and Chibs is standing in front of him. Chibs takes a seat in the chair across from the boy, and this time it's him fidgeting nervously against the cushions. Nothing good ever comes after those four words have been said, and both he and Juice know it.

"What?" Juice's voice is a near-whisper, and he clutches the thin spare blanket tightly in his hands. He clutches the blanket to his chest as if the fabric can cover him and make him disappear. He'd thought everything was going perfectly between them. What could possibly have gone wrong?

"I can't do this, Juicey," Chibs heart is still in his stomach and his words are full of sadness. He's tired of watching Juice die every night in his dreams all because of words he'd said.

"Why?"

 _Why?_ Isn't that the million dollar question. Because Juice is too innocent, too perfect, too good for him and this world. Juice should never have been pulled into this life. All he ever wanted to do was please people and he could never please everyone at once. His desire to do what was good for everyone had nearly broken him. He needs a chance away from this madness - away from those people who chose to abandon him when he needed them most.

"I don't deserve ye," Chibs answers even though his brain is screaming to never let Juice go.

"I..." Silver tears are beginning to fall as Juice's voice dies in his throat, "I...don't understand."

Juice hugs the thin blanket closer. His head is beginning to hurt and a sharp pain beats through his chest as panic begins to take hold. He tries to think of what he could have done, but he can think of nothing. Only just yesterday, he and Chibs had been joking and contemplating taking a vacation together. They'd been laughing, had kissed, and when Chibs had pulled him close, Juice could feel the desire radiating off him, could tell Chibs wanted him but...Juice's heart sinks and he feels sick. He and Chibs still hadn't taken their relationship that far, Juice's fear of touch still too strong, but is that what it is? Chibs is used to having Croweaters throwing themselves at him. Is Chibs tired of waiting on him?

Images of prison and Tully's touch flash across Juice's mind, but he pushes them away. He doesn't want to lose Chibs, and if that's what Chibs wants, then he'll give it to him. "If you're tired of waiting we can...we can do it...if you want," he tells Chibs nervously, his body beginning to shake as sadness and panic takes hold of him.

"No...Juicey no," Chibs lets out a pained breath as the younger man begins shaking and crying in front of him. Once again, even though Juice is absolutely terrified of going those places, he'd offered himself to Chibs just to keep from losing him. Always, no matter the situation, Juice always thinks of others over himself. "That's not it, love. I promise ye."

His words don't help and leave Juice even more confused. Chibs has become his entire life. Why is Chibs trying to end it when everything had been going so well?

"W-Why?" Juice's voice shakes through the tears.

"I was terrible to ye, Juicey. Don't ye understand? You said I came back, but I should have never left ya in the first place. I told ye to...to..." The nightmare of Juice blowing his brains against the seat of the diner causes Chibs' body to shake and his words to falter. Tears threaten to fall, and he doesn't know how he can ever live with what he'd told the boy to do. "I told ye to kill yerself. To take that damn gun and put it in yer mouth. How do I live with that, Juicey?"

Juice's face goes white at the mention of their encounter in the diner, and he looks as if he's going to be sick. Chibs' words to him had been an ever-present thought within his mind in the prison and were one of the reasons he'd give up on himself. He'd never thought Chibs would ever come back because he'd thought his best friend wished him dead. Now that they have been together, he'd pushed them from his mind, but hearing them again...it hurts. It really fucking hurts thinking Chibs could have ever said that to him.

Juice closes his eyes and sucks in a deep breath of air. He tries to stop himself from crying, but with his eyes closed, he can hear the pained sob that suddenly leaves Chibs' lips as the guilt finally takes its hold over the older man. Juice opens his eyes and sees Chibs with his head in his hands, body shaking as terrible sobs echo from his lips and tears stain his hands.

Juice lets him cry. All this time, ever since Chibs had pulled him from prison, Chibs has been the strong one. He took care of Juice when Juice was broken, had dealt with Juice living in his home without speaking to him, had gone out of his way to ensure Juice could recover on his own terms. Never once has Chibs complained about the time it has taken Juice to return to normal or having to wait for them to take their relationship farther. Chibs is always the strong one, always the protector, and now it's Juice's turn to let him deal with what he's feeling inside.

Only when the tears begin to wind down and Chibs slowly looks back up to meet Juice's eyes, does Juice finally speak. He's stopped shaking, stopped crying, and the panic is already slowly leaving. He knows Chibs isn't going to leave him. Chibs needs him just as much as Juice needs him to keep sane. "Did you mean it?" Juice asks him quietly.

"What?" Chibs replies hoarsely.

"Did you mean it? When you told me to pull the trigger?" He's asking because he already knows the answer. He knows that the guilt Chibs feels and the love he's shown him reveals he'd never meant what he'd said. Chibs just needs to hear himself say it.

"No..." Chibs answers as another set of tears begin to fall down his cheeks. "I only meant to push ye away. I thought it'd get ye away from the Club. Away from all the madness. I..." Chibs takes a deep breath, trying to silence the tears that want to burst through, "I never wanted ye to die, Juicey."

The words are a relief as Chibs hears them escape his mouth. All this time he's felt guilty for the part he played in losing Juice, and he'd blamed himself for not taking him back in the diner. But at the time he'd only been doing what he thought was best. He'd never meant it, and he can see that Juice knows this.

"You gave me so many chances, Chibs," Juice gives him a weak smile, and Chibs knows that Juice forgives him. "You tried to help me, tried to give me ways out and ways to prove myself, but I fucked them up every time. Me. Not you. You can't blame yourself. In the end, I have to realize what I did, that _I_ am the one who failed myself. You only said what you did because you thought that I was a lost cause, and it's the truth. I _was_ a lost cause, and you pushing me away...at that point, I don't think there was anything left you could do. I wanted back in, but if you'd let me back then...I don't know if things would have ever been the same again."

Juice stands from the couch, letting the blanket fall from his fingers, and then he goes over to Chibs and kneels before him. He places a hand on each of Chibs' knees, and meets the older man's eyes, "But now, you've given me _everything_. I'm no longer that lost cause, and you've proved to me how much you care, that you'd do anything for me. So please, I'm begging you, please don't let this end."

"Juicey..." Chibs takes another deep breath, and he feels a calm settle over himself. He reaches down, covering Juice's hands with his own, "You're still too good for me."

"No," Juice leans in and places a kiss against Chibs' lips, "We're perfect for each other."

A small, contented sigh escapes Chibs' lips and he pulls Juice into his lap in the chair. He cups Juice's neck and pulls him in for a kiss and feels the younger man smile against his lips. Even after everything they've been through, even after the mess both of them made, they know that everything will always work out in the end. Chibs feels the ache of guilt stir in the pit of his stomach, and then the pain slowly ebbs away, replaced with something that should have been there all along.

Happiness.


	12. So What is This Thing Laced With

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish there was a PM or Poll option on this site because my question has nothing to do with this story, but I guess since neither of those exist, feel free to answer in the comment section below. I was just wondering how you all felt about real person fiction. As I mentioned in a comment on the previous chapter, I have some ideas floating around in my head after attending the Walker Stalker Convention, and I’ve been debating writing the ideas out (the general idea is that they involve the Sons of Anarchy/Walking Dead/Boondock Saints actors who attended the convention and romances/relationships/conflicts/etc. between them) but I know some people don’t like real person fiction for various reasons. Is this something you all would be interested in or should I stay away from real person fiction?
> 
> Now, related to this story, I honestly can’t for the life of me remember if anything ever came of Juice’s weed shop, so for the sake of this story, let’s just say it still exists. :)

**Chapter Twelve**

“So What is This Thing Laced With”

"What happened to my weed shop?"

After the scare of Chibs almost wanting to end things between them out of guilt the day before, Juice desperately wants something to ease his head. He hasn't smoked in months, since before he was put in prison, and the thought comes to him that morning about whatever happened to his supply within the shop.

Chibs glances up at him from his spot across the kitchen table. He feels bad for scaring Juice yesterday, but the guilt had built up so much that he'd spoken without really considering what he was saying. Of course he'd never end things with Juice. He had just felt so terrible from the guilt and the bad dreams that he wasn't thinking straight. Now, he shrugs at Juice's question and answers, "I don't know. I guess it's still how ye left it. Why?"

Juice shrugs, but there's a smile playing across his lips. "No reason," he answers with a grin.

"Do ye still have a key?" Chibs can see where this is going, and honestly, he's not opposed to joining Juice if the younger man wants to make a trip to the shop.

Juice reaches into his pants pocket and withdraws his keyring. The keys jingle in his hand, and he raises them in the air with a smirk. One small silver key is between his fingertips, and he nods towards it, "What do you think?" he grins, flashing Chibs his signature smile.

They make plans to go check out the shop once they've finished their late breakfast and showered. Once they're clean, they make their way out to their bikes to head into town. Juice is antsy. He's afraid someone might have broken into the building and robbed or trashed the place since it was well-known that he was locked up. It comes as a relief, however, when they pull up to the building and see everything still seems intact.

The two park their motorcycles at the curb, and Juice heads over to the door with Chibs behind him. The key slips easily into the lock and turns with a _click_. He grins when he pushes the door open and sees everything is just how he'd left it.

"Fuck yes," he breathes, eyes alight with happiness at the prospect of raiding his own stash. Chibs follows him inside, and they lock the door behind them, not wanting anyone to drop in unexpected.

The inside of the store is a swarm of colors and drug paraphernalia. Dark blue shag carpet covers the floor while lightly colored wood paneling covers the walls. Bright psychedelic posters hang around the room and plastic beads in various colors hang from the ceiling. The glass display cases around the room are full of different colored bongs, bowls, hookahs, and other contraptions ranging from plastic to heavy marble. On top of the cases sit rolling papers, small figurines, and informative pamphlets. Next to the cash register is a large candy dish filled not with candy, but marijuana leaf keychains. The store looks like a stoner's paradise, and Juice gazes around the room in happy wonder that everything is still there.

Chibs shakes his head with a grin as Juice bounces off and disappears into a back room behind the counter. When he returns, Juice is stuffing a bag into his pocket, wide grin lighting his face.

"Ye get what ya need?" Chibs grins at him.

"Yeah," Juice smiles back and pats his pocket happily.

They leave the shop and lock it back up behind them. One day Juice might get it up and running again, but for now, he's fine with just leaving it be.

The two return to their bikes and move to head back home when Chibs suddenly holds up his hand to stop Juice from riding off. He’s still sorry for scaring Juice the day before, and he’d like to do something fun to make it up to him. They were already planning a vacation for in the future, but for now, Chibs wonders if Juice might like to get a hotel room to get them out of the house and have a change of scenery. And perhaps...no, Chibs wants to take things farther with Juice, but he knows he can’t. Not until Juice is ready.

Juice turns to stare at Chibs oddly. He's anxious to get home and dip into the stash in his pocket. "What man? I'm ready to go," he snaps, voice a little more forceful than he'd meant.

"Christ lad, I just wondered if ye'd want to get a hotel?"

Juice's expression softens and once again his eyes light up happily, "Really?"

"Aye, if ye can wait long enough for us to get a room."

"Yeah," Juice grins at him, "How's come though?"

Chibs shrugs, "Eh, thought it'd be a nice change,” and then he adds jokingly, “And this way my house won't have to smell like weed."

Juice raises his eyebrows at him with a grin, "Your house?"

Chibs rolls his eyes, "Ours, ye little shite."

The two make their way to a slightly larger city outside of Charming. Before reaching the hotel, they decide to make a quick stop at a liquor store and grab some beer and other drinks to take with them. Might as well have some fun, they figure, and when they reach the hotel, they're satisfied with their choice. The hotel isn't fancy, but it's a lot bigger and nicer than the typical run-of-the-mill motel the Sons usually stay in. It's three stories with a well landscaped front and large parking lot at the entrance. Inside, the lobby is large and decorated with cheap, but tasteful plants and paintings. The receptionist eyes them cautiously when they step inside, but they check-in with no problem and receive the card key to their room.

Their room is on the third floor at the end of a long hallway, and when they step inside, they're pleased to find a spacious king size bed, small living area complete with a couch, chair, and table, and large flat screen TV across from the bed. Next to the TV is a mini-fridge with a microwave sitting on top, and the two load the fridge with the beer and drinks they'd like kept cold.

Juice plops down on the bed and with a wide grin pulls the baggie out of his pocket.

"Impatient, are ye?"

Juice shoots him a glare, "After you nearly giving me a heart attack yesterday, I think I'm due for a little recreational use."

Chibs frowns at him, "I'm sorry, Juicey."

The flick of a lighter echoes in the room as Juice sets the flame against the joint he'd just rolled. "It's okay, Chibby," he says as he takes a grateful drag. "I know you were just dealing with some stuff." Juice's face breaks into a grin and he takes another hit, then stares up at Chibs. "Your turn?" he questions, holding the joint out to Chibs.

"Aye," Chibs takes a long drag, then passes it back to Juice. He feels himself ease, and he can't help but smile, "Thanks, Juicey."

They take turns with the weed, letting themselves get dopey and lightheaded, before finally stubbing it out and going to the fridge for a beer. Each take a bottle, and the cold liquid feels good against their tongue. "This was a good idea," Juice grins, motioning around him at the room.

"Aye," Chibs says again with an equally wide smile.

Several beers later, the two have a good buzz and are beginning to feel hungry when they realize they didn't bring any food. "Fuck," Juice laughs, "How could we forget the munchies?"

Chibs pulls out his phone with a laugh and waves it at Juice, "That's why delivery exists."

They order a large pizza and feel their stomachs rumble after Chibs pockets his phone. "What can we do until the food gets here?" Juice grumbles and pats his stomach. He lays back against the bed, feeling the cool embrace of the mattress. He's still smiling, and he folds his arms behind his head comfortably.

Chibs turns to stare at him and raises his eyebrows. Juice seems happily content with the room, and as he lays there, Chibs notices how the bottom of his shirt has ridden up his stomach to expose the deep cut of his abs. He can't help but stare, mind lost in fantasies of what he'd like to do to the younger man, and he licks his lips as he answers, "I can think of several things I wouldn't mind doing."

Juice can hear the desire in Chibs voice when he speaks. He raises his head to meet Chibs' gaze to find the older man staring at him hungrily, "Chibs..."

"I know, lad," Chibs sighs, forcing himself to calm himself, "Yer just so damn sexy."

Juice doesn't know what to say, and he watches as Chibs rises from his chair to grab another beer from the fridge. For a moment he considers giving in. He knows Chibs will never hurt him, and he can't deny his own desire he feels for the older man, but there's still something that holds him back. He's wondered if talking to Chibs about it would help him grow comfortable with everything, especially after Chibs finally bared his own guilt the day before about what had happened to him. If he'd just talk about Tully, about everything that happened in prison, it might make it better, but Juice is afraid of what Chibs will think if he hears it all. What if Chibs no longer wants him if he knows what all was done? Juice feels tainted, unclean from Tully's horrible touch, and he's afraid Chibs won't want something that was used and abused time and time again.

Chibs settles back into one of the chairs, beer in hand, and Juice rests his head back against his arms. Minutes pass and silence fills the room. Chibs drinks, while Juice debates pulling out the bag and rolling another joint, when finally they hear a knock at the door. Juice sits up in bed while Chibs goes over to answer. The pizza delivery boy stares at them oddly when Chibs answers the door. The smell of weed is obvious in the room, but one harsh look from Chibs silences any words the boy might have said. Chibs takes the pizza, hands the boy a generous tip, and then closes the door.

"Finally!" Juice exclaims as Chibs sets the pizza on the table.

They dig in, their stomachs rumbling again as they bring a pizza slice to their mouth. The pizza is greasy and loaded with meat and cheese and it tastes heavenly to their beer and weed muddled brains. They eat their fill, and then they're rummaging through the fridge again, this time pulling out some rum and Coke to mix. The rum and Coke tastes good after the pizza, and as their glasses empty, so do their minds. The food had dulled their buzz, but the rum brings it back and by the time Juice rolls another joint, the two are lightheaded and full of giggles. 

"This was a great idea," Juice smiles, echoing his words from earlier.

 

Night has fallen outside and the two of them have kept a nice buzz going throughout the evening without becoming entirely drunk. At some point they'd both settled up in the bed, their backs resting comfortably against the headboard so they could watch the TV in front of them. They're both nursing a beer, letting the alcohol wear off slowly without losing the buzz entirely. There's only one humorous problem, and Juice is yet to decide what to do about it. For some reason - and he doesn't know if it's from Chibs calling him sexy earlier or purely just the alcohol's effects on him - but he's feeling incredibly horny. Chibs has been teasingly flirting with him as the night wears on, and Juice has found himself flirting back. More than once he's accidentally found himself getting a hard-on from Chibs' words, and he has to cover himself with the blanket to keep it from being obvious. He doesn't think Chibs has noticed, but if things keep going in this direction, Juice wonders how the night will end.

“Fuck, I’m horny,” Juice finally grins around the mouth of his beer. He takes a drink, feeling Chibs stiffen beside him. The words had come out louder than he’d intended, but between the buzz and the insane desire building inside him, he doesn’t care.

Chibs sets his beer on the nightstand beside the bed, then turns to look at Juice. It had seemed like Juice had been flirting with him, actually flirting, all night long, and when he meets Juice's eyes, it's as if Juice is silently begging him to act. Chibs feels the same desire from earlier curl within him, and before he can stop himself, he growls, "Put yer drink down."

Juice obeys, and then Chibs has covered his mouth with his own, tongues and lips fighting in a furious kiss. Chibs finds the hem of Juice's shirt and rips it over the younger man's head with a growl, pulling back just for a moment to take in Juice's muscular skin. "Fucking perfect," he groans, raking his fingers down Juice's chest before meeting his lips in another hard kiss.

Juice reaches out and slowly tugs at Chibs' own shirt. Chibs breaks the kiss and fixes Juice with a confused stare. "Take it off," Juice tells him nervously, "I want to feel your skin when you kiss me."

A low moan escapes Chibs' lips as he lets Juice remove his shirt, and then he covers Juice's body with his own, loving the feeling of their skin pressed together. Juice can feel Chibs through his jeans, and he grinds against him, eliciting another groan from the older man. "Careful, lad," Chibs moans, nipping at Juice's bottom lip. Juice only grinds against him again in reply, and Chibs reaches down, holding Juice's hips still with his hand, "I can feel ye through yer pants, Juicey, and ye feel fucking amazing."

"Fucking touch me then," Juice groans.

Chibs has to hold back from ripping Juice's clothes off then and there. A low, furious growl groans from his lips and his fingers play against the zipper of Juice's jeans. Juice arches up against his hand, and Chibs slowly pulls the zipper down. He leans in, placing a kiss on the skin above the waistline of Juice's pants, and then he begins to pull them down, trying to be gentle when all he wants to do is take the boy as hard and fast as he can. He throws the pants to the floor, and then moves to the younger man's dark black boxers, seeing the hard outline straining against the fabric. He hooks his fingers into the fabric, begins to pull when...

"Wait..."

A deep sigh falls from Chibs’ lips as he lets his fingers fall from the boy's hips. He closes his eyes, counting slowly in his head as he tries to calm himself, knowing he shouldn't have let this come this far. They were only caught up in the moment. Of course Juice still isn't ready. He opens eyes, turning to meet Juice's face. "I'm sorry, Juicey. I shouldn't have let that go on."

Juice's expression is different this time though. He's not tense, and his face is flushed like he'd been enjoying every second of it. Only his eyes reveal an emotion other than desire, but even they don't seem fearful. The buzz from the alcohol and lightheadedness from the weed has left them, and all that remains in his expression is that of wanting to tell the truth.

"No, I want this," Juice tells him, "But I have to know you want it the same."

"Trust me, Juicey, I want ye very badly."

"You won't though," Juice sits up in the bed, scooting out from under Chibs. He grabs the blanket and pulls it over him as Chibs moves to sit at his side. "Not after you hear it all."

"What do ye mean, lad?"

Juice fingers the threads on the blanket nervously. He has to talk about this. There's no way he will ever be able to move past what happened to him in prison - everything Tully did to him - if he keeps it inside. He has to tell Chibs so he knows what he's getting into, even if it means Chibs will no longer want him. There's no other way. "Yesterday, you scared me because you held your guilt in and then almost let it ruin us," he begins, "Today it's my turn to talk. About prison."

Chibs feels his heart sink. He's known all along that what happened to Juice inside would have to come out eventually. He just hopes he can handle what he has to hear.

Juice meets Chibs' eyes, and this time the younger man's expression is full of sorrow. He's thinking back to memories he'd pushed aside and tried to forget, but slowly they all come forward. He takes a deep breath, then opens his mouth to begin, "It all began when I was moved into Solitary..."


	13. Please Don't Replace Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have to say that this is probably one of my favorite chapters. I don’t know why because the subject matter is uncomfortable and sad, but I felt so many emotions when writing this.
> 
> Time for some closure.

**Chapter Thirteen**

“Please Don’t Replace Me”

The entire atmosphere in the room has changed. The desire and happiness that had pulsed around them has evaporated into sorrow. Chibs clenches his fists against the sheet and grits his teeth as Juice begins to speak. He doesn't know if he can handle what he's about to hear.

"It all began when I was moved into Solitary," Juice begins. The boy sits back against the headboard and hugs his knees up to his chest. His eyes are focused on the bed in front of him, and his voice comes out dull and lifeless. "I thought it was time for me to kill Lin, so I brought the weapon I'd been given. It was just a small shiv, but I knew it'd get the job done. Two guards led me down the hall, and I knew something was wrong when they put me in Solitary. They said they'd 'let Tully know'. I didn't know what they meant, but I knew it wasn't good. I stared at the shiv and thought about killing myself. There were many times later when I wished I'd gone ahead and done it."

Chibs shifts in the bed beside him. Out of the corner of his eye, Juice can see Chibs' knuckles are white from his tight hold on the sheet. He can't bring himself to meet Chibs' eyes, so he continues to stare at the mattress in front of him.

"It began the next night. I was trying to sleep when I heard the door open. Tully came into my cell and told me what he wanted in exchange for protecting me so that I could get to Lin. I told him no. I tried to fight him off, but he pinned me down and told me to hold still. He said there was no use resisting. I knew he was right."

Juice pauses as the memories come back to him. He remembers the darkness in the cell and Tully's voice in his ear. He remembers the weight of the man pinning him down as Tully took what he wanted. He's tried so hard to forget but now all he feels is Tully's probing touch.

"He came back almost every night at first. It hurt. At first I couldn't sit up in the cell and could only lay down. My pants were stained with blood, but no one asked questions because Tully paid them all off. I didn't try to resist. One day a guard brought me a present from Tully. It contained a book of love poems, drugs, and some Vaseline. Tully liked to read me the poems. The drugs were to dull my senses. The Vaseline was to make it so he could fuck me easier."

Again, Juice pauses and closes his eyes against the memories assaulting his head. A pained breath of air escapes his lips, and then he reopens his eyes, knowing he has to continue.

"The Vaseline helped. It didn't hurt as much when he actually decided to use it. The drugs helped me pretend he didn't exist. But he did exist, and he always came back. I wanted to die. Everyone had left me. I was alone except for when Tully visited my cell. When I finally killed Lin and talked to Jax, I thought it was finally over. Jax told me my death would be quick. The idea of death made me happy. _I wanted to die_."

 _But I didn't_ , Juice thinks, and the memory is painful.

"Two guards beat me up and put me in the infirmary. Lin's men were mad at what I did. They raped me. I didn't resist. I was used to it. When I was put back in my cell, Tully came back just like he always did. I told him I wanted to die, but he wouldn't kill me. He said I was too good of a plaything. He was mad because I wanted to die and took the drugs away so I couldn't ignore him. I put hope in Jax's promise of death, but it never came.” Juice hugs his knees closer to him. “I gave up.”

Chibs is silent beside him, but Juice still can't bring himself to look at him. He's ashamed of himself for giving up and for wanting death.

"I lost everything. My Club, my friends, my family, my freedom. Even you, my closest friend, had abandoned me...” Juice notices Chibs flinch beside him, but he continues speaking, “...I didn't even have control over my body because Tully always took what he wanted. So I disappeared into my head. I didn't care about the real world because the real world didn't care about me. Every single person I ever loved had given up on me. Eventually even Tully got bored of me. He left me in my cell to die alone because I would no longer talk to him when he fucked me. I waited for death to take me. Then you came."

Finally, Juice looks up to meet Chibs' eyes. Chibs doesn't speak, but Juice can see the tears silently falling down Chibs' cheeks.

"Even when you saved me, I wanted to die," Juice tells him. "My body didn't feel like my own. All I could feel was his touch and him inside me. I felt disgusting and unclean. I worried that you would feel the same way about me, that I was dirty and broken." Juice's gaze doesn't waver when he finishes speaking, eyes remaining on Chibs, "I _still_ worry you will think I’m just the broken trash left by a rapist."

Chibs remains silent. Juice's words have broken him inside, and he doesn't even know how to begin picking up the pieces. He doesn't know how Juice has been able to heal as much as he has because the boy was put through more than anyone should have ever had to deal with. Most importantly, a deadly rage towards Tully has settled inside him. The Aryan leader's life is forfeit, and no one will be able to stop him from putting the man to death.

Slowly, he reaches out and gently takes Juice's hand into his own. He knows he has to at least show Juice there's nothing wrong with him, that they haven't come this far for Chibs to abandon him. "I don't think you’re broken," Chibs tells him softly. "There's nothing wrong with ye. Nothing will stop me from loving you."

Juice seems to breathe in relief beside him. He nods his head, accepting Chibs' words. "I'm okay now, though, you know?" Again, he meets Chibs' eyes. "I needed to talk about this, but I've been so afraid of putting it out there. But you know, it's not so bad letting the words go." Chibs squeezes his hand reassuringly, and Juice continues, "As long as you're okay with this, about what happened, then I can get better. I can deal with it. I've _already_ dealt with it."

"I'll never be okay with what happened to ye, Juicey," Chibs says, "Because it should _never_ have happened to you. But as far as you worrying about me not wanting ye, there's nothing to worry about. You're _mine_. As it should have always been."

Juice nods and gives him a weak smile. Chibs pulls Juice in for a hug and feels the boy relax against him. Gone are the days when Juice would tense in his arms. Now, Juice only seems to find comfort there, and Chibs hopes that now the words are in the open Juice can finally allow himself to finish his recovery.

Peace settles over them, Juice there in Chibs' arms, and all seems well...until Juice's next words hit Chibs like a hammer to the chest.

"What happened to Jax? After he died?"

Chibs' body tenses, and Juice immediately feels the difference in the older man. He pulls away, eyes narrowing in confusion as he meets Chibs' eyes. Chibs' face has gone pale, and there's panic written in his expression. Chibs knows he can't lie, not after Juice had just revealed everything that had happened to him, but he wishes he doesn't have to say the words that he has to say.

"We buried him."

"Unmarked grave?" Juice's voice is flat. He already knows the answer.

"No."

Juice sets his jaw, forcing back the tears that want to spring forward, "Where?"

"In the cemetery, next to his father."

Juice bites his lip, nodding his head as the anger inside him slowly builds, "Perfect. Just fucking perfect." It was always the same. Wonderful, amazing Jax could never do anything wrong. The great Jax Teller could make a thousand mistakes and the entire world would turn a blind eye. As long as Jax was fine, the rest of the world could rot.

The rage explodes.

"Fuck you, Chibs. Just fuck you!” Juice’s voice is booming fire as he finally gets the words off his chest, “That fucking piece of shit killed Jury, got the Mayhem vote, killed his own goddamn mother, and then fucking killed himself, and you fucking pieces of shit decide to bury him next to his goddamn father? All while you leave me to rot in prison and get raped over and fucking over again! You fucking piece of shit bunch of fucking hypocrites!"

Juice jerks away from Chibs as the older man reaches towards him. He gathers his keys and storms over to the door.

"Juicey boy, wait. Please..." Chibs calls weakly after him.

Juice whirls on him, "Fuck you, Chibs."

He exits the hotel room and slams the door behind him.

The receptionist glances up at him as he storms past in the lobby. Tears are streaming down his face, and she asks if he's okay. He mumbles a quick, "fine," then rushes through the doors out into the parking lot. His step is wobbly, and in the back of his head he curses the alcohol they'd drank that night because he knows he can't drive, but he also knows he can't go back to that room. He finds their motorcycles in the parking lot, and then he collapses there on the ground, sinking into himself as the tears fall freely and he hates himself and the Club.

He doesn't know how long he sits out there. His eyes are swollen from crying and his vision is blurred, but eventually he hears the sound of footsteps slowly walking towards him. When Chibs appears before him, Chibs' strong arms wrapping around him in a tight hug, the tears fall again, and Juice lets them go, needing to get it all out. The two sit there in the parking lot, Chibs with Juice in his arms, Juice with his face pressed against Chibs’ chest and deep, sobbing tears escaping his lips.

"How did you know I was still here?" he finally chokes out, voice muffled against the fabric of Chibs' shirt.

"We'd been drinkin'. Knew ye wouldn't chance driving and getting arrested."

Juice nods against Chibs' chest. His head hurts from crying, and he just wants to go to sleep, but he has to ask. "Why?"

Chibs lets out a deep sigh, "We just couldn't do it. We just couldn't leave him in an unmarked grave." He hugs Juice close. "The police signed his battered body over to us for burial. The plan was to dump him in a hole somewhere as the Club’s customs said he deserved. Myself, Tig, and Happy dug the hole..." Chibs sighs again, shaking slightly at the memory, "...but we couldn't do it. Jax was like our son. He was the lifeblood of this Club, and we had known him since he was a little boy..." Chibs voice breaks. There’s unbearable pain inside it, and it's hard for him to finish, "He was our little boy, Juicey. We just...we just couldn't do it."

Juice can feel Chibs' tears fall against him. He understands, and as much as he wants to be mad at Chibs and the Club, he knows he can't. Jax was his friend, too. All of it ended so badly.

"I want to see him," Juice's voice interrupts the darkness of the night surrounding them. "His grave, I mean. I want to say goodbye."

Chibs nods and holds Juice tight, "Tomorrow. We'll go there tomorrow."

xxx

Morning brings clouds and dreary weather. The grey sky looks as if it could rain, and Juice feels it's fitting for the day ahead. He and Chibs get ready in silence, and when they finally go down to their motorcycles a light rain has begun to fall.

"Do ye want to wait for another day?" Chibs asks him.

"No," Juice shakes his head, "I want to do this now."

The ride to the cemetery is cold and the rain sticks to his skin. He's shaking slightly when they arrive, and he doesn't know if it's from the cold or the nerves at coming to say goodbye. They park their bikes a few rows away from the Tellers and decide to walk the remaining distance. Juice stuffs his hands into his jacket pockets and walks in silence, Chibs walking behind him. He's shaking, and he knows now it's the nerves because he's terrified of seeing the grave of his friend. He debates turning back, but he forces himself forward, knowing this is the final piece of closure he needs.

Chibs hangs back when they reach the grave and let's Juice walk forward on his own. The ground in front of the grave has begun to flatten and grass has started growing again in the place where he was buried. His headstone is simple like his father's with a small cross at the top and 'JACKSON NATHANIEL TELLER' etched underneath the cross. His birth and death dates follow his name, and then underneath reads simply, ‘ _A Loving Father and Son_.’ There are no flowers, no decorations, and unlike his father's, the Sons of Anarchy reaper is absent. Juice knows this was the Club's way to distance themselves from Jax.

"It's so bare..." Juice breathes, and a feeling of sadness washes over him.

Jax may have a marked grave next to his father, but he has no other recognition to who he was in life. The Club was all he ever knew, and it's as if it doesn't exist in death.

"I feel bad for you," Juice whispers to the air. Jax lost everything while Juice was given a second chance at life. All of the anger he'd felt at Jax having a grave has turned to sadness, and Juice realizes he's lucky to have been able to return to the world for a chance at moving past everything that happened to him. Death is so final. Jax will never see his boys grow old, will never see how the Club he loved so dearly has been able to escape the madness, will never be able to fall in love again. He's simply...gone.

Chibs steps up next to Juice and says softly, "We burned his cut. We wanted to keep the Club out of his grave."

Juice nods, but doesn't speak. A mixture of relief and deep sorrow is inside him, and he knows he's come to terms with what happened to Jax and himself. He's done dwelling on the memories and the past, and he's ready to move forward with whatever this new life has to offer.

"I want to bring flowers next time we're here," Juice looks over at Chibs and nods towards Jax's grave, "He doesn't deserve it to be so bare."

Chibs nods his head, "Alright, Juicey."

"Let's go home."

Chibs wraps his arm around Juice's waist and pulls him close. They walk away from the graves, back towards their bikes, and Juice glances briefly over his shoulder at the life he's left behind.

"Goodbye," he whispers, and then he leans into Chibs' side, happy to have the man so ready to walk beside him.

xxx

Death is a final, yet sometimes necessary thing. As their life returns to normal, Chibs knows one thing remains to settle his mind. He mentions it once to Juice, and Juice tells him only to do what he thinks is best. Chibs knows the best answer because he will accept nothing less. It has to be done.

One week after their visit to the cemetery, Chibs and Juice settle into bed for the night just as a figure silently slips down the cold metal halls of Stockton. There are no echoing footsteps, just silent movement through the darkness as the figure seeks his destination. His destination comes as a lone cell at the end of the long hall, and here he slowly withdraws a single key from his pocket. He inserts the key silently into the lock and slips inside.

His target is asleep on the cot inside the cell. The silent figure reaches into his pocket and pulls from within a sharp, pointed object. He moves to the sleeping man and in one quick motion plunges the sharp point into the sleeping man's neck. Blood pours from the wound as the man's eyes burst open.

Ron Tully gasps for air as his hands reach for his quickly bleeding-out neck. The silent figure is already slipping out of his cell, and Tully is left to gasp in the darkness as his body shakes and then goes limp from loss of blood. His body shudders one last time as a final breath of air escapes him, and then he sinks into death's embrace.

Back in their bedroom, Chibs holds Juice tight and promises no one will ever hurt him again.


	14. I Surrender (Embrace Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so let’s just blame Persona 5 for my delay in posting. Haha, alright, so...can’t really blame the game although I have been being lazy and playing it since I got it last week (it’s amazing by the way!) but I’m also in the process of moving from our apartment into a house, not to mention this chapter was being extraordinarily stubborn about being finished, so there’s just been a lot going on lately. So if there’s another delay, just know that the next chapter will always be up eventually.
> 
> Anyway, I’m actually starting to get super sad with this story because I realized I have less than ten chapters to go, and I’m not going to know what to do with myself when I can’t write for this story anymore. I have tons more story ideas, but this story is like my baby. Ugh...I’m just going to pretend an end doesn’t exist right now.
> 
> I really hope this chapter doesn’t disappoint. It was very stubborn, but I’m satisfied with how it turned out.
> 
> EDIT: The ending of this chapter was slightly expanded on 6/28/2017, so if you read it before this date, please feel free to read the expanded version.

**Chapter Fourteen**

“I Surrender (Embrace Me)”

Life is going well for Chibs and Juice. The weather is getting warmer, the days sunnier, and the warm atmosphere reflects into the home. At the moment, the two have settled into the living room, Chibs laying back on the couch while Juice sits in the chair with a game controller in his hands. A bright smile lights Juice's face as he takes the lead in the game he's playing. It's a multiplayer shooter, and he'd explained to Chibs that he's playing against others online, but Chibs barely understands most of Juice's "gamer lingo." Instead, he watches with a smile as Juice's game name flashes across the screen, signaling he'd won the round.

Juice turns, eyes alight as he meets Chibs gaze. "I won!" he grins in excitement.

"I see that," Chibs chuckles.

Juice flashes him another bright smile before turning back to the screen to start another round. Chibs knows Juice is in a good place, and it's as if their trip to the cemetery several weeks back had been the final thing necessary to ease him of the pain he'd felt inside. He and Chibs had returned several days later, and just as Juice had said, he'd brought flowers to lay on Jax's grave. He'd seemed at peace, finally, and Chibs is happy to have Juice back to the happy young man he once was.

Sounds of fake gunshots filter through the speakers again as Juice's game resumes. Chibs watches as Juice becomes lost in the game, contented smile etched upon Juice's face as he enjoys having a chance to play. Juice had always been one for video games and had been the reason the Club usually had the latest models of video game consoles. He'd often play when he had the chance and could usually talk some of the other members into joining him. Even Chibs had sometimes joined him in games of Mario Kart as the simple racing game was something even he could understand. Those were fun times, times when everyone was still a family and could enjoy each other's company. It was when they were still a brotherhood, and the Club meant the world to them.

Bittersweet memories of times past fill Chibs’ mind as he reminisces, and for a moment a pang of sorrow fills him. He misses his brothers, and it's times like these that he wishes things never turned the way they did. Still... A faint smile tugs at his lips as he stares at Juice, and he can't help but feel glad he's still got Juice by his side. He misses his brothers, but he'd be lost without Juice. He's happy he's here.

"Chibs...?"

"Hmm?" Chibs looks up to see Juice staring at him, and he realizes he'd been intently focused on the boy without meaning to be.

"I love you," Juice says and he gives him a small, embarrassed smile.

Chibs smiles back at him, a feeling of warmth tugging at his heart, "I love you, too, Juicey."

Juice grins and turns back to his game, and Chibs shakes his head in happy wonder. Sometimes Juice catches him by surprise, and it amazes him to know he's ended up this lucky.

Another round begins on the TV, and Chibs glances at his phone for any missed texts when his eyes catch sight of the date. Something flickers in the back of his head, and for a moment he feels as if he's forgetting something when suddenly, it comes to him: Juice's birthday! He hadn't realized how much time had passed since bringing Juice home, and it hardly seems possible that Juice's birthday could have crept up on him, but seeing the date causes him to realize the boy's birthday is only a few days away.

He opens his mouth to say something to Juice when something holds him back. Juice hasn't mentioned his birthday to him, and Chibs wonders if it'd be fun to surprise him. He could invite Tig and Venus, and they could enjoy a small party in their home. Chibs isn't much for party planning, but surely it wouldn't be too hard to buy some food and drinks for them to share and a few decorations to throw around the house. And... Chibs pauses, debating his next thought. Perhaps he could invite Happy, too. He'd stop there and not go to the rest of the Sons, but at least maybe Juice would enjoy having Tig, Venus, and Happy there.

That is, if Happy will agree to go.

xxx

For the first time in many months, Chibs is truly nervous. He pulls his motorcycle into the driveway of Happy's mother's house and slowly removes his helmet from his head. He gently sets it on the seat of his bike, fingers twitching as he considers placing it back on his head and driving off, but he forces himself to move forward. He'd come to the realization that he could invite Happy on the pretense of wanting to do something nice for Juice, but how was he to stop himself from accidentally doing or saying something in front of Happy that might give away their relationship? He'd considered not inviting Happy, but the more he dwelled on the matter, he began to realize they're going to have to tell the Sons about their relationship at some point. Chibs has no intention of ever letting Juice go, and while he doesn't have to tell all of the Sons now, Happy can be the place to start.

Hence the ridiculous, terror-filled nerves.

He has to force himself to move forward to the door, and the closer he gets, the harder his heart pounds in his chest. Happy doesn't know he's coming, and since it's for Juice's surprise party, Juice doesn't know he's here. He'd told the boy he had to go out for a while, and as far as Juice is concerned, he's at the store. No one will know what happened to him if Happy decides to kill him.

Finally, at the door, Chibs raises his hand to knock. His fist hovers over the door, and he takes a deep breath, steadying himself before knocking against the wood. In the distance, a dog barks in the neighborhood, and then it goes eerily quiet. Chibs licks his lips nervously and forces himself to breathe. Any moment Happy will open the door.

Instead, the door opens, and Happy's mother peeks out at him. Where Happy is tall, strong, and bald, his mother is short, with a full of head of stringy brown hair, and a frail frame. She's dressed in a loose pink floral print nightgown, and it takes a minute for her searching eyes to recognize him. She nods her head as if remembering and says softly, "You want Happy?"

"Aye, ma'am."

Again, she nods her head and backs into the house. Chibs waits silently in the doorframe, his nerves building again, when Happy finally appears. The tall man stares at him oddly. It's not often Chibs personally calls on him at his mother's home, and he wonders what possessed him to come. He folds his arms in front of his chest and fixes Chibs with a hard stare, "Something wrong?"

Chibs shakes his head, "No. I just want to ask ye something...and tell ye somethin'."

Happy frowns. He knows it must be important for Chibs to come all this way to ask him something personally. "What?"

"Juice's birthday is coming up," Chibs begins, figuring he'd best get to the point. "I'm going to give him a small party. Tig and Venus will be there. I wondered if ye'd like to come."

"Hmmm." Happy's arms remain crossed in front of his chest, and the hard expression is still on his face. He'd not stupid; he knows there's more to the story.

Chibs is silent. He's trying to figure out how to say his next words as delicately as possible, but he knows no matter what he says, Happy will still probably take it badly. Finally, he settles on just being blunt. "I also wanted to let ye know that Juice an' I are in a relationship."

"Hmm," Happy grunts and the frown deepens on his face.

Silence settles between them, and aside from the frown, Happy's expression is blank. Chibs doesn't know if he should continue talking or back away slowly because Happy's silence is often deadly. The man doesn't look angry, but he's notorious for lashing out unexpectedly and this seems to be a situation where anything can happen. It's no secret the MC world's distaste for relationships such as Chibs' and Juice's, and it doesn't help that Juice had not so long ago been an extraordinary problem for the Club. While Happy has been cordial towards Juice lately, that doesn't mean he's willing to extend his blessing over Chibs and Juice being together - especially when Chibs is supposed to be the Club's strong president, not a boy-loving pansy.

Happy still doesn't speak, and Chibs realizes he's not going to get anything out of the man, not today. Happy needs time to process, and while that means there's still a chance he will come after Chibs to kill him, there's nothing more Chibs can do at the moment.

"Well..." Chibs begins uneasily, "The party is Saturday at eight. If ye'd like to come, yer welcome. But at the moment, I'd appreciate it if ya didn't tell the rest of the Club what I told ye."

Again, Happy only grunts in response.

"Alright, well...later, brother," Chibs nods goodbye and moves back towards his bike. He doesn't know if Happy is going to go after him, but at least the words are out in the open.

Back on his motorcycle, Chibs takes off towards his next destination. He'd been trying to decide what to get Juice as a present, and it had taken him awhile to make up his mind. Juice is easy to buy for in the sense that he'll always accept booze, weed, video games, motorcycle parts, anything he enjoys, but Chibs wants to do something different. This birthday is special. Juice has had such a rough time, and now that he's finally in a happy place, Chibs wants to do something Juice won't expect. Plus, this will be the first birthday that the two of them are together as a couple, and Chibs wants to make up for all the time that they should have been together in the first place.

An idea had come to him while he was in the shower, and he realized he had the perfect solution. He and Juice had already been jokingly planning on taking a vacation together even though they never knew when they'd actually go, and Chibs realized a vacation would be perfect. It would be a chance for them to get away, to spend time together and away from the town, and have a chance to relax. It'd be perfect.

Chibs had called a travel agency in the city and made an appointment, and this is where he's headed now. He plans to meet with the travel agent to plan the perfect trip, and he can't wait to give Juice his present.

xxx

Saturday arrives and as the two slowly wake in their bed, Juice mumbles softly into Chibs' shirt, "It's my birthday." His face colors slightly as if embarrassed for bringing it up, and Chibs only smiles.

"Is it, lad?" He decides to play dumb and glances over at the date on his phone, "Ah, aye, it is."

Juice nods sheepishly and burrows into Chibs' side. "I wasn't going to say anything but..."

"But it's yer birthday," Chibs finishes for him.

Juice grins, "Yeah."

Chibs can't help but laugh, "Guess I'll have to take ye somewhere later, won't I?"

"Only if you want to."

Chibs pulls Juice into a kiss and murmurs against his lips, "I do."

They make plans to go out to a small dinner in the city later, and the plans fit perfectly into what Chibs had already planned at his home. He, Tig, and Venus had already decided Chibs would need to get Juice out of the house, and then Tig and Venus would come by to decorate while they were gone. Then, when Chibs and Juice returned home, they'd arrive to decorations, food and drinks, and Tig and Venus there to welcome them. Chibs knows it's nothing extravagant, but he also knows Juice will appreciate his friends being there for him.

As late afternoon rolls around, Chibs and Juice slip into comfortable casual clothes and take off for the city. Chibs pretends to lock the door, but instead he leaves it open and as they disappear down the road, Tig and Venus arrive at the house. Venus has outdone herself, and she proudly carries in the large amount of cake, cupcakes, cookies and other snacks into the house while Tig follows behind with both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. Venus begins making a display of the food on the kitchen table, then orders Tig to begin decorating. Tig proves hopeless, and after seeing him with a bunch of tattered and tangled streamers, Venus snatches them out of his hands.

"Darling, you're useless."

Tig beams at her, "I never said I was a decorator, love."

Venus rolls her eyes, but there's a smile playing against her lips, "Go blow up some balloons. I'll do the streamers."

"Sure thing, doll," Tig grins and smacks her playfully on the ass.

She swats his hand away with a laugh, and the two set about finishing decorating the house.

Eight o'clock draws near, and just as Venus finishes attaching the final decoration to the wall, she and Tig hear the sound of two motorcycles pulling up outside. "They're here!" she breathes, and the two hurry into the living room to turn off the light.

Chibs and Juice's voice carry in from the outside, and Juice seems to be chattering on about how good their dinner was. Both seem in a splendid mood, and Juice tells Chibs he had a great time. Chibs says something back, and both laugh, and then the doorknob turns as they open the door.

Venus flips on the light just as the door springs open. "SURPRISE!" she and Tig shout cheesily and watch as a huge smile spreads across Juice's face.

Juice stares from the two of them, to the decorations, then to Chibs, and he's practically beaming from ear to ear, "Really?" he grins, a laugh escaping him as he motions towards the decorated house.

Chibs shrugs, an equally large grin adorning his face, "O' course. Happy Birthday, Juicey."

Venus and Tig had overdone themselves decorating. The house is filled with multi-colored balloons, and streamers are twisted and hung across all the openings. A large 'Happy Birthday' sign is stretched across the wall over the couch in the living room, and various small 'Happy Birthday' signs and other decorations are scattered among the living room and kitchen. The entire kitchen table is covered in snacks, from a large cake to delicious homemade fudge. A large punchbowl filled with fruit punch - and spiked with vodka as Tig happily points out - is on the counter, and the fridge is stocked with beer and other drinks.

Juice is all smiles as he takes it all in, and it means the world to him that Chibs and his friends had gone to the trouble to do this for him. Chibs pulls him in for a hug and plants a kiss on his lips. "Happy Birthday, love," he whispers. "I hope yer happy."

Juice smiles and kisses him back, "Yes, I love it."

The four of them begin milling about the kitchen gathering food onto birthday themed paper plates and filling cups with the vodka-infused punch, when suddenly there's a small knock at the door. Juice looks at them oddly, not expecting anyone else, and he can tell by the look on their faces that they weren't expecting anyone else either. Chibs frowns and sets down his plate, then goes over to the door. He opens it slowly, not sure what to expect, when a smile can't help but break across his face.

Happy is standing in the doorway with a large platter of cookies in his hands. He looks at Chibs, then stares past him towards Juice, Venus, and Tig in the kitchen, then back at Chibs. He holds out the platter, and says simply, "My mom made cookies," and then he moves past Chibs to head to the kitchen.

Chibs lets out a happy sigh of relief as he closes the door and heads back to the kitchen to find Venus thanking Happy as she takes the cookies from him, and Happy turning to pat Juice on the shoulder as he wishes him a happy birthday. Chibs smiles as he watches from the entryway into the kitchen, heart full of happiness as Juice laughs and Tig and Venus joke playfully with him and Happy tries not to be awkward but only succeeds in making them laugh more as he says odd things. 

It's as if they're a family again, one big, awkward, happy family, and as Juice pulls Chibs in with a smile, Chibs knows their world has begun to build again.

 

It's late when the party begins to settle down and Tig, Venus, and Happy slowly begin heading home. Finally, as their friends bid them goodbye and Chibs shuts the door behind them, he knows he's ready to give Juice his present. He motions for Juice to follow him into their bedroom, and once they're there, he tells Juice to stay put. Juice raises his eyebrows in confusion, but he's still full of smiles. The day had been perfect, and he can't imagine what else Chibs has planned.

Chibs rummages through the bottom drawer of their dresser, then returns to Juice's side. A plain envelope is in his hands, and he pauses before saying, "Happy Birthday," and holds it out to Juice.

Juice stares at him oddly as he takes it, "What's this?"

"Open it."

Juice slowly turns the envelope over in his hands and breaks the seal. For a moment, Chibs is nervous as he waits for Juice to open it. He wonders if his idea is stupid, that Juice will think him dumb, and he shuffles nervously on the spot as Juice slowly pulls the two pieces of paper out of the envelope.

Juice stares silently at the two tickets in his hand, and he looks up at Chibs in confusion. "What is this?" He holds up the tickets as if he doesn't believe his eyes, "Why does it say cruise?"

Chibs smiles, trying to force away his nerves, "We'd been talking about going on vacation. I thought you might like it if we actually went."

Juice waves the tickets in the air, grin tugging at his lips, "Wait, so this is for real?" The grin breaks out across his face.

"We leave next week for the cruise. It ends in Hawaii, and we'll spend a week there."

Juice's mouth falls open in shock, and his eyes are shining bright in happiness. "Seriously?"

"Aye."

Juice stares wide-eyed up at him, "Oh my god."

Juice is in shock. He's frozen on the spot, his expression full of happy wonder and surprise. No one has ever done anything like this for him before, and he never dreamed he'd find someone who'd care enough about him to do this. He doesn't even know how to begin to thank Chibs, and all he can think about is how in a week, the two of them will be on a cruise on the way to Hawaii.

"Oh my god," he says again in wonder.

"So ye like it?"

Juice nods, finally finding his words, "Yes. It's perfect, Chibs. Thank you."

Chibs smiles, "C'mere, Juicey."

Juice steps towards him and Chibs pulls him in for a kiss. The boy melts against him, and Chibs holds him close as the kiss deepens. Juice is warm in his arms, and he can feel the happiness in his kiss. In that moment, everything seems perfect.

The tickets slowly flutter to the ground as they fall from Juice's fingers, and Juice wraps his arms around the older man. He breaks the kiss and looks up into Chibs' eyes. His heart is pounding in his chest, and he doesn't know how to voice the words that want to come out. The day has been perfect, Chibs is perfect, and he wants him. All of him.

Finally.

"Now?" Juice whispers, his voice barely loud enough to be heard. He hopes Chibs understands what he wants, so afraid he won’t be able to speak again through the nerves, the nervous excitement pulsing through him, but a low groan escapes Chibs as the older man catches Juice's lips in another kiss and understands what he means.

"Yer sure, lad?"

Juice meets Chibs' eyes and though his heart is still pounding, he knows this is exactly what he wants. "Yes," he breathes, and Chibs kisses him again, and the two fall back against the bed.

Their mouths work in a furious kiss as shirts come off and belts come undone. Pants and shoes fall to the floor, and Chibs takes in the sight of Juice before him, all tanned skin and muscles and perfection. Juice is shy, hesitant as they touch and explore, but Chibs lets him take his time. The older man loves the sight of him, the feeling of every inch of his skin, loves the soft gasps that breathe from the boy's lips as he licks and bites and claims his skin. There's no stopping this time, no whispered waits or soft utterances of no. Juice is firm muscle beneath him, and when Chibs finally enters him his words come out as a breathless moan. Their worlds rock together, no longer hesitant, as tongues taste, fingers scrape, and their bodies join in heated, unstoppable lust for each other.

When Chibs finally cums inside him, Juice pulls him close, lets him ride it out as their mouths meet in another kiss and Chibs finally claims him as his own.

They lay beside each other, naked bodies pressed together as they pull the blanket over them. Juice settles into Chibs' warm embrace, and he feels Chibs place a kiss against his forehead.

"You're mine," Chibs whispers to him, and Juice nods as he presses his head against Chibs' chest.

"I'm happy," Juice replies softly, breath warm against Chibs' skin, and Chibs hugs him close.

He's come a long way, and this happiness is the new truth, the new normal. He no longer feels distant, but instead is a part of this world, and for the first time in his life, he feels as if someone truly cares for him.

Most importantly, he no longer hates himself.

Juice is happy with who he's become, and when he slowly falls into sleep his dreams, though once nightmares, are filled with the happy life he has left to live.

 


	15. Whatever We're Faced With

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, what a delay! I really did mean to get this chapter to you all sooner, but I had a bit of a problem as we discovered we couldn’t transfer our internet when we moved (there’s apparently no internet coverage where we’re now at out in the country.) I’d been holding out hoping there’d be a work around, but unfortunately, nope. So, I’ve had to go with plan b: posting from my phone (thank god for cellular data!) even though this is a little difficult. In this case, please excuse any formatting errors that might happen when I post.
> 
> This is a short chapter, but it’s setting up the final stages of the story. We’re on the home stretch! Also, feel free to check out my bonus “I am a Nightmare: Deleted Scenes” story collection I’ve posted where I’ll be including random scenes that didn’t make it into this story. There’s just a Happy scene right now, but I plan to add more later.
> 
> Hope you like where this is headed. I’m happy to be back!

**Chapter Fifteen**  
“Whatever We’re Faced With”

The morning after Juice's birthday finds Chibs and Juice's naked bodies tangled under the blankets as they sleep. Sunlight gently filters in through the window, and both begin to stir. It's Chibs who wakes first, and the older man can't help but stare warmly at the younger man beside him. He never dreamed he'd ever find himself here, with Juice naked in his bed, and his heart warms at the realization that their life together has only just begun. Their first time last night had escalated into multiple times as the night wore on, and Chibs had enjoyed the chance to explore Juice's eager body. Now, as he watches the peaceful rise and fall of Juice's chest as he sleeps, he finds himself looking forward to more chances to explore in the future.

Juice's eyes lightly flutter open, and the younger man meets Chibs' eyes. His cheeks color slightly in an embarrassed blush as he remembers the night before, and a small noise escapes his lips as he averts his eyes. It's then that he catches sight of the blankets now pooling around Chibs' and his own waist, and their lack of clothing sinks in. Another small noise whimpers from his lips, and the embarrassed shade of red deepens against his cheeks.

Chibs can't help himself. A small laugh escapes him, and he reaches out, catching Juice's chin in his hand and turning the boy's face up to look at him. "Ye okay, Juicey?" he asks, though he knows Juice is fine. Though the boy might be blushing more than a teenage girl, Juice is yet to untangle himself from Chibs, and he seems at ease in the Scotsman's presence. "Don't worry laddie," Chibs can't help but add, and then he fixes Juice with a devilish grin, "I can honestly say ye were the best I've ever had."

Juice's face burns scarlet, though he can't stop the laugh that escapes his lips, " _Chibs_."

"Yes, Juicey?" Chibs asks angelically, as if oblivious to Juice's embarrassed state.

Juice shakes his head in exasperation, trying not to indulge in Chibs' attempts to embarrass him, but then Chibs continues with a sly smile, "But did _you_ have fun, Juicey?"

Juice's face is still bright red, and Chibs' question only makes it burn brighter, but he can't ignore the fact that he enjoyed himself immensely last night. "Yes," he blushes.

Chibs dips his head and catches Juice in a kiss, "Good."

The kiss, innocent at first, begins to deepen, and soon Juice forgets the blush coloring his cheeks. Though neither had been with a man before last night, Chibs is skilled with his motions and quickly learned what Juice enjoyed. It doesn't take long for the older man to draw moans from the boy's lips, and then Juice is clawing him close, all innocence and embarrassment forgotten.

"Fuck me," Juice groans, digging his fingers into Chibs' back as the older man hovers over him.

"Already planned on it."

The sex is rough this time, unlike last night when Chibs had tried to be gentle, and this time when he cums, it's to Juice calling his name. That sound, the loud innocent call of his name through the boy’s breathless moan is what does him in, and he catches Juice in a kiss, biting at the boy's lips and tugging at the skin. His teeth draw blood and the sight, plus Juice's uncontrollable moan pushes him over the edge.

" _Fuck_..." The word tumbles from his lips just as Juice again cries out his name, and he feels Juice cum beneath him.

He falls to Juice's side, and this time the younger man tries not to be embarrassed despite the familiar blush creeping upon his cheeks. Chibs runs his hands across Juice's skin, then reaches up to brush his fingers across the boys swollen lips. They come away stained with blood, and he grins sheepishly, "Sorry, lad. Got a little carried away."

Juice blushes and lowers his eyes. "I don't mind," he mumbles. "It felt good when you did it."

The admission causes another stirring in Chibs, and he can’t control the low growl of his voice as he murmurs, "I'll remember that."

The two lay in silence. Last night, they'd had sleep ahead of them to erase the need for awkward small talk, but now, they have the entire day ahead. While the two are still comfortable next to each other, neither know what to say next.

Finally, Juice can't help but laugh. "We're a mess," he grins, and Chibs chuckles beside him.

"Aye. Join me in the shower?"

Juice nods, and the two slip out of bed and head towards the bathroom.

xxx

Though he'd never admit it out loud, deep down Chibs had been afraid of what might happen to his and Juice's relationship once it progressed this far. He'd figured it would go one of two ways: either the two of them would attempt to make it work but memories of prison, despite Juice's closure, would inevitably keep them from drawing close, or their relationship would fizzle, as many do, after the two decided this wasn't what either of them wanted. Yet, much to Chibs' happiness, neither of these prove to be something to worry about.

As the week progresses and their vacation draws near, Chibs and Juice only seem to grow closer. It's as if the final barrier between them has been broken, and there's nothing left to worry them. The two can easily be themselves, and it feels as if they have always been together. A happy calm now exists in the household, and instead of worry, the two begin growing excited for their upcoming vacation.

It's the day before the two are to take off on their cruise, and Chibs and Juice are busy packing their bags for the trip. Juice is a walking bundle of excitement, and he can't seem to stop smiling. His signature grin is plastered to his face, and his eyes shine brightly every time he sees Chibs.

"I can't believe you're really taking me on vacation," he says for about the hundredth time when Chibs walks into the bedroom in search of another shirt. He flashes Chibs a wide smile, and Chibs notices the boy is nearly fidgeting out of excitement.

Chibs is happy his present for Juice has gone over so well. The Sons of Anarchy never had the opportunity to take a real vacation, and any time they traveled outside of Charming it was on Club business -- and the business always came first. Though the booze and croweaters were usually plenty, none of them had the chance to explore and truly enjoy themselves. But now, Chibs and Juice will have the chance to take time for themselves and forget the Club. For once, they will be free.

Faintly, Chibs notices Juice is still talking, and he turns to stare at the boy with a smile. Juice is in the middle of packing his suitcase, and he's chattering happily as he folds his clothes neatly into the luggage. His chatter isn't directed towards Chibs, but instead he's going over all of the things he'd like to do on the cruise and once they get to Hawaii. It's as if he’s the old Juice and an entirely new person all at once. The same hyper energy that used to exist in the boy is there, but there's also something different.

Chibs watches in fascination as Juice finishes packing, the boy still talking animatedly to himself, and then Juice turns his eyes to meet Chibs' watchful gaze. "What?" he asks, face breaking out in a grin.

"Nothing, lad. Ye just seem so happy."

"I am." The admission seems obvious as Juice says it, and Chibs smiles at him, though there's still something different the older man can't quite place.

"That's good, Juicey. I'm happy."

Juice flashes him another smile, and then the boy goes back to searching the room for more things to pack. Chibs watches him a bit longer, enjoying the happy peace that surrounds him, and then he leaves Juice to his packing. There's something nagging at the back of his thoughts, and he feels it's important for him to figure out what it is.

Outside the bedroom, Chibs finds himself walking down the hall into the living room and sinking into his familiar spot on the couch. He glances at the TV remote, debating turning on the television for background noise as he usually does, but then decides he'd like to gather his thoughts on his own. He knows this strange feeling stems from Juice and the boy's happy behavior this past week, but he can't quite place why the feeling exists. Juice has been happier than normal, naturally with the upcoming vacation, but there seems to be something else.

For a moment, Chibs wonders if it's because the two have taken their relationship to the next level, but he knows that can't be it. The two were already so close that it wouldn't have changed Juice's behavior this much. No, something else exists.

Chibs' mind returns to his earlier thoughts of having free time from the Club while they're on vacation and how exciting it is for them to have a chance to explore. The two of them are looking forward to some alone time, and it will be nice to leave his Presidential duties behind for a couple of weeks. For that matter, during their vacation, they can pretend the Club doesn't exist. They'll be free to be themselves, with no worries to bring them down.

Perhaps that’s it, the chance of freedom.

_Is that why Juice is so happy?_

Juice has seemed to enjoy being back with the Club, but is it simply because the Club feels like home? Is it because the Sons are all Juice knows? Perhaps the only reason Juice was so willing to return is because it was the only familiar piece of life he had left to cling to, even though that piece of life represents so many bad memories. Is it possible that what he really needs is to get away from it all?

Everything Chibs has done these past several months is because of the Club. Every ounce of rehabilitation towards Juice’s recovery is because of what the Club did to him and how it failed him. In the beginning, the Sons of Anarchy was Juice’s lifeblood, but in the end, it became his downfall. In the end, he almost died because of his blind loyalty to its members and the thought that they’d save him from prison if he’d do the one final thing they asked. Yet, they’d left him to die -- and he would have died if Chibs hadn’t saved him.

In that moment, Chibs wonders if Juice can truly be happy in a Club that so terribly failed him, if what he needs most is to leave the Club and live life away from its ever-present hold.

And then, the most important thought crosses Chibs' mind.

_If Juice would leave the Club, would he follow him?_

The answer comes easily.

_Yes._

The Sons of Anarchy have represented a massive part of both Chibs' and Juice's lives, but for the first time, Chibs realizes the Club is not the focus for him anymore. He has his life to live and a wonderful person to live his life with. While the Sons represent his past, Juice represents his future. And at the moment, his future is all he cares about.

"Chibs?"

Chibs glances towards the bedroom as Juice's voice carries down the hall. "Juicey?"

"Have you seen my extra toothbrush?"

Chibs grins, his thoughts fading for the moment, "What do ye need an extra toothbrush for?"

"In case I lose my main one!" Juice hollers back at him as if the answer is obvious.

The older man chuckles and rises from the couch, "Hold on Juicey, I'll help ye look."

He makes his way back towards the bedroom, sure he'd seen an extra toothbrush lying around somewhere in the master bathroom. Thoughts of Juice and freedom from the Club still sit at the back of his mind, but at the moment he pushes the thoughts aside. Eventually, he'll ask Juice if the boy would ever consider leaving the Sons of Anarchy, if that would make him happy, and if it does, he knows he'll go with him.

But at the moment, he has a vacation to look forward to.

And an extra toothbrush to find.


End file.
